


Bassline Of My Life

by broken_outlaw



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-23
Updated: 2011-10-27
Packaged: 2017-10-24 21:17:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 46
Words: 49,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/267982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/broken_outlaw/pseuds/broken_outlaw
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The story of love, heartbreak, self discovery and overcoming obstacles in life. An Adommy story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sleepless

**Author's Note:**

> This work is completely fictional. I own no characters. It's from my own whack mind.

"10 minutes till showtime guys!" one of the stage managers shouted at anyone listening.

Adam was pulling on his purple jacket before looking over at Tommy.  
"You ready, man?" he asked.  
Tommy sat in a chair, his elbow resting on the makeup bench and his head resting on his hand. Even under all the black eye makeup, his eyes began to fade shut every now and again. He looked over at Adam, and managed a smile, before using all his strength to push himself up out of the chair and grab his bass from the corner of the room.  
"Yeah im ready" he replied.  
Adam brushed a last glittery brush of eyeshadow on his eyelid before smiling in the mirror, but glancing over at Tommy.  
"You sure you're ok? You look knackered" he asked, concerned.  
Tommy fitted his earpieces in and flicked his blonde hair out of his eyes. His fingers ran up and down the neck of his guitar.  
"Yeah just not enough sleep…i'll be ok once i get out there."

The tour had certainly taken its toll. For over three months they had been on the road, with over 70 shows. A day off was rare, and in the last 24hrs they had flown 3 continents and performed a show in each. The lack of sleep, jetlag and time difference was fast setting in for all of the crew - but Tommy being the smallest in the band, and not used to this fast paced lifestyle was finding it the hardest.

Adam threw him a brief smile before walking over to him. He traced the neck of Tommy's guitar slowly. "Just two more shows and then we get a break…you eaten something?" he asked.  
Tommy looked briefly at Adam before looking down. Adam looked at him knowingly giving him a 'you-have-to-eat' face before opening his mouth to say something.  
"Everyone to stage!" interrupted the stage manager.  
Adam's eyes were still fixed on Tommy, but he turned slowly, grabbed his hat from the bench and placed it on his head before making his way to stage.

The music began, the lights glared out and Adam launched into Voodoo. Tommy stood at the back of the stage, strumming his bass in the shadows. He wasn't even aware of the chords he was strumming, instinct took over and his fingers just seemed to find the right notes - even though tommy's eyes were looking around the stage. He just wasn't feeling it tonight.

Fever played and Tommy slowly moved to the centre of the stage for the act. He tried to toss his hair back a few times to try and look into the song, but deep down he felt lifeless like he was a puppet and someone was just tugging the strings above him, causing his fingers to move down the guitar. As Adam wrapped his arm around tommy's shoulders, Tommy rested his head under Adam's chin.  
"Would you be m m mine?" sung Adam. He placed a hand on Tommy's chin and pulled his face up to his and planted a delicate kiss on Tommy's lips. The crowd went wild.  
As Adam walked away, Tommy sunk back into his mindless playing. He watched Adam dancing on the other side of the stage and wondered where he found his energy.

The colours and Adam's quick moves made Tommy dizzy, and he tried to focus his eyes back on the guitar. Was it heating up out here or was it just him? He stumbled slightly but found his feet, noticing Adam watching him out the corner of his eye. When the song stopped, Adam left the stage for a quickchange and Tommy followed to change his guitar.  
"Tommy" Adam called, as two people helped him remove his jacket and change into a vest. Tommy moved over to him.  
"You alright?" he asked. It seemed like the hundredth time Adam had asked him. Tommy pulled his guitar strap over his shoulder.  
"Im fine" he faked a small smile. Adam didn't look as convinced as he had hoped he would be. He reached out a hand and sat it on Tommy's shoulder. Tommy's gaze travelled to the floor.  
"Look at me" Adam told him softly, moving his thumb so that Tommy looked up. Tommy stared at him, his brown eyes tired under the black makeup. Adam stroked his thumb under tommy's eye softly.  
"Stage!" came the familiar call.

"Ohhhh you make me wanna listen to music again" sung Adam. The bright lights fiery red and yellow. He looked to Tommy and Tommy began his solo. His hands sliding up and down the guitar. he bent his knees and flicked his hair around. He had to look awake. Flick flick flick. He tossed his head around and felt his blonde hair fall repeatedly over his eyes. He could feel the beat of the drums under his feet, and he watched as the smoke machine in front of him puffed billows of smoke under him. His head began to ache. He could see Adam dancing on the other side of the stage watching him. Boom boom boom…the drum under his feet. He listened as his bass pumped out the noise he was so familiar with, he swished his head around fast, to see what Adam was doing. But black spots filled his vision. he blinked a few times, his head still swishing in time. More black spots.  
His world was growing darker.  
His fingers stopped sliding and he felt his knees give out under him  
….and then the world was black.


	2. My Secret

Adam watched as his bassist fell to the floor, the bass guitar crashing as it hit the floor with him, and the thud as Tommy's body hit the stage in a rush.   
Adam rushed over to his side. "Stop the music!" he said sharply into the microphone before switching it off. He sat down beside Tommy on the stage and placed a hand on his friend's shoulder, shaking him slightly to try and wake him up.   
"Tommy? Tommy can you hear me?" he asked. His voice panicked and quiet.   
Monte set his guitar down and came rushing over too. "Adam you need to get him off this stage away from everyone. Get him backstage" Monte told Adam.   
Adam nodded, yet he wasn't sure if he could comprehend the words that left Monte's mouth.

Monte bent down and in one movement picked Tommy up and carried him backstage. Adam followed and watched as Monte lay Tommy's lifeless body on a couch backstage. Adam hovered over his friend, panicking now as the reality set in. "Tommy!" he half shouted.   
Monte remained calm "we need to try wake him up" he stated, and began checking Tommy's eyes, pulse and any sign of life.   
A small noise escaped Tommy, and his head flopped to the side.   
"Tommy" Adam repeated, his hands holding Tommy's head gently. Tommy's eyes fluttered a few times before they slowly opened. He blinked, dazed and confused and unaware of the environment around him.   
"Wha What's happening?…..Adam?" he asked sleepily.   
Monte rushed away to get some water.

Adam kneeled beside his friend, his forefinger slowly stroking tommy's face.   
"You fainted, glitterbaby." he said softly.   
Tommy blinked again, his eyes becoming wide and panicked. "On stage? Adam im so sorry…" he began stressing out, trying to push himself up.   
Adam slowly helped him into a sitting position, he leaned tommy's back against the wall, then slumped down to kneel in front of him.   
"You eaten today?" Adam asked, cautiously. Tommy still looked out of it, his head hung to one side.  
"No" he answered quietly.  
"You gotta eat man. This tour is brutal, but you gotta keep eating and try and keep sleeping otherwise you're ganna crash and burn" Adam told him. Tommy nodded knowingly. Adam placed his hand on Tommy's knee, rubbing it slowly in reassurance.   
"You rest up back here…" his eyes suddenly focused on Tommy's brown eyes, usually so bright, now just dull circles under the eye makeup. The image made his heart sink. It was his tour, he should've been looking out for everyone in the band, making sure everyone else was good…making sure Tommy was good. He felt selfish all of a sudden and withdrew his hand. Adam seemed to sink into himself.

"I ruined your show" Tommy said quietly, his eyes met Adam's. Adam opened his mouth to say something then closed it again.   
Tommy felt guilty - he'd let everyone down, the band, the fans, Adam. He just wanted to curl into a ball and hide in a dark room.   
"You gotta go out there and carry it on".   
Adam looked up at him, battered by inner turmoil. "I'm sorry, Tommy" he almost whispered.   
Tommy looked confused, and then Adam was gone.

After sitting in the chair and sipping on the water Monte had bought him, Tommy retreated to the bathroom to go and freshen himself up. He looked in the mirror at his worn out reflection. He'd never felt so tired and lifeless before. He didn't even recognize the zombie looking back at him.   
Slowly, he dug into his pocket and pulled out a small canister of pills. he poured them into his hand and shifted the tiny red tablets around in his hand. "2 more days" he repeated, and threw the lot into his mouth, swallowing them back with a gulp of water. He gasped for air afterwards, running his hands under the water. He suddenly felt calm again and somehow awake.   
He heard the door open and quickly shoved the remaining pills back into his pocket. Noone had to know.


	3. Scars You Left

"Anyone seen Tommy?" Adam asked as he came off stage from the encore. The crew backstage shook their heads.   
"Maybe he went back to the motel" Monte stated.  
Adam nodded "maybe".

Monte placed his guitar into its bag and zipped it up. "Don't think I've ever had a band member faint on stage…first time for everything i suppose" he laughed. Adam was in the other room changing into his jeans.  
"Yeah…this tour takes its toll on people in different ways" Adam called back. He emerged from the room looking as much as anyone 'normal' in downtown LA could look. "I should've been looking out for him. i should've known he wasn't coping", he felt sad again.   
Monte hoisted his guitar bag onto his back. "Tommy's a crazy cat, he has two speeds - super high and super low. You gotta remember this is all new for him. He wasn't in a band before this, this is his first big tour. You've been doing it for years, we've all been there. Its just finding that balance."   
Adam nodded in agreement.

When they got back to the motel, Tommy was sitting watching old japanese cartoons on TV. His face spread into a grin as he was sucked into the show. Adam smiled as he swung open the door.   
"You're looking better" he stated. Tommy looked over at him, smiling.   
"Yeah im good now." he replied, his eyes moved back to the TV.   
Monte and Adam looked at each other and pulled a face at how sucked in Tommy was.

Adam put his bags down and went and sat down on the couch next to Tommy. He kicked his legs up onto the table and sunk into the back of the chair. Tommy looked over at him, his face animated, his eyes wide and full of enjoyment. Adam laughed. "What?" asked Tommy, the goofy grin still spread on his face.   
"You're just….different." Adam replied, "One minute you're sprawled out on the stage and the next you're sitting here watching your cartoons cracked out on coffee". Tommy laughed.   
"Coffee's good….hey man im sorry i ruined your show" his tone dropped slightly. Adam shrugged.   
"You didn't ruin anything. Don't worry about it…although Monte's ganna get shit for carrying you offstage. That'll be on TMZ tomorrow". The two laughed.   
"God im beat" stated Adam, yawning and stretching his arms, "I think im ganna go to bed". Tommy nodded, his eyes going back to the TV.  
"I'm ganna stay up for a bit". Adam shrugged   
"Ok then. night" and he pushed himself up from the couch and made his way to his room.

Tommy watched as the clock struck 4am. He was still wide awake, even though the cartoons had died off and now gameshows were just playing on every channel.   
Marilyn Manson "leave a scar" suddenly blasted in his ears, and Tommy fumbled around to find his phone ringing. he picked it up, wondering who on earth would be calling at such a time.

As he took the call, his heart dropped.   
The phone fell out of his hands and Tommy felt his body grow still in shock.   
He stared into space for a good half hour before standing up and making his way to the bathroom. He didn't bother to turn on the light in the darkness, but leaned over the sink, staring into the mirror.   
His breaths were heavy and slowly turned into sobs.   
His eyes erupted as tears fell down his cheeks, his makeup running quickly.   
His hands gripped the sides of the sink…."gone…not coming back…never again" kept repeating in his mind.   
He found himself shaking, his whole body like an earthquake. Uncontrollable.   
He felt angry and confused, his eyes darted around the room, blind in the darkness.  
"Aggh!" he yelled and threw his fist into the mirror in front of him. The glass shattered in one and Tommy stared in shock as blood poured out of his knuckles, cut by the glass.

There was a thud and footsteps and the frantic fumbling for the light switch in the darkness.   
Adam stood in a tshirt and boxers, his eyes not fully adjusting to the light as it flooded the room "What the hell, tommy?" he mumbled. But he quickly woke up as he took in the scene.   
Tommy fell to his knees, his eyes wide and staring into space, one hand clutching his other bleeding hand, his whole body shaking but no sound would come out of his moving mouth.   
"Shit, tommy!" Adam crouched down beside his friend, careful not to step on any of the shattered glass lying around. Cautiously, he wrapped his arms around his friend and held him feeling every sob and trying to calm the shaking body that was TommyJoe.   
"He's gone" the words escaped Tommy's mouth so quietly, that Adam thought he was imagining things.   
"Whose gone?" he asked.

Tears bubbled in Tommy's eyes, but he remained focused on the wall in front of him. The blood from his hand now pooling on the floor around him. "My dad…" he whispered.


	4. Here We Wait

Adam looked over at Tommy's hand and panicked. He grabbed a towel from the rail beside them - not caring that it was white - and quickly grabbed tommy's hand and began wrapping it around roughly and tightly.   
"Fuck" he cursed, "ok tommy, you need to keep it raised for me, can you do that? i need you to keep it up".   
Adam sucked in situations like this. Monte was the logical one who would know what to do.   
Adam tried to recall the first aid he had learnt back in high school. Tommy just sat in the middle of the room, still shaking - blood and shattered glass all around him.   
'Need to get him out' thought Adam. With all his strength, he pulled tommy to his feet and led him into the lounge and sat him down on the couch. Tommy wasn't listening, and he flopped his arm to his side.   
"No tommy, keep it UP!" ordered Adam, he grabbed tommy's arm and raised it slightly. 'ambulance' thought adam. Not wanting to leave tommy, he saw tommy's phone wedged down the side of the couch and grabbed it and dialed the number.

As he hung up the phone, he kneeled down in front of Tommy and tried to capture his focus."Tommy, its ganna be ok. Theres people coming…they're ganna help." But Tommy didn't seem to be listening or registering a word Adam was saying.  
"Gone…not coming back…never again" muttered Tommy.

Adam grabbed the cellphone again, dialing Monte's number.   
Monte answered sleepily. Adam had completely forgotten the time. "Adam…Wha…?" Monte began.   
"Monte, Tommy's….somethings happened. i need you to meet me at the hospital. i don't know…." Adam began to panic "i don't know what to do, Monte. Theres blood and theres glass and…Aw fuck!"   
"Whats happened?" Monte suddenly sounded wide awake.   
"I dunno, man. somethings happened to tommy's dad. hes not talkin….but hes just gone nuts. just meet me at the hospital…the ambulance is coming…." Adam trailed off, glancing at Tommy. "Hes shaking, Monte. What do i do to stop him shaking?" Adam was shaking now too. He had no idea how to help his friend. Monte still sounded calm - he always seemed to be calm even in the worse situations.   
"Adam, i don't know whats happened…..blankets, get a blanket and keep him warm. How far away is the ambulance?" came Monte's reply. Adam bit his lip. Tommy was now rocking back and forth, his eyes darting around the room frantically as if searching for something but never quite focusing.   
"I dunno….like 5minutes maybe". Adam could feel tears pricking at his eyes.   
"I'll see you at the hospital" and with that Monte hung up.

Adam stared at the phone for a minute before putting it down. He sat down beside Tommy and rubbed his hand down Tommy's back.  
"Its ok Tommy" he said - not sure if he was reassuring tommy or himself.   
Tommy was cold, his shoulders tense, his body rising and falling with long pauses and then breathless sobs. Adam pulled him close, supporting tommy's head and burying it into his own chest. The white towel was now red and dripping as Tommy's bleeding knuckles seeped through the fabric. The blanket that Monte had suggested slipped Adam's mind.

He jumped in surprise when the door flew open and two ambulance officers barged through the door. They pushed Adam away and both sat down examining tommy. Adam sat to the side, trying to hold back his tears, a lump in his throat. "What happened?" asked a woman. Adam tried to focus.  
"I don't know…i heard a crash and found him on the bathroom floor. The mirror was smashed and his hand cut up….he said something about his Dad…..i dunno, his Dad's been sick…" he trailed off as tears caught up to him.   
As the two officers carried Tommy off into the ambulance, Adam followed them and sat in the back with Tommy. He looked over at his bass player - who now appeared as a scared little boy, searching for something that wasn't there - instead of the bass player he knew.

Adam didn't know the exact moment that Monte got there, but as he felt his guitarists' arms wrap around his shoulders, Adam broke down. His sobbing uncontrollable, his hands flailing. Monte sat him down in a half hug and reached awkwardly for Adam's hand. Tommy was the one who comforted people. He gave the best hugs and knew how to make everyone smile when the mood was down. Monte was the logical one, it wasn't his area. Nonetheless, Adam took the hand and interlocked his fingers in Monte's, his knuckles turning white with the tightness of the grip. And together like that, they sat and waited.


	5. Shards Of Glitter

A nurse emerged after about an hour. Adam stood up as she approached.   
"Is he ok?" he asked quickly.   
The nurse nodded and read through her clipboard "TommyJoe's….." she began  
"bandmates, friends and family" Monte finished. The nurse nodded again and ushered the two to sit down again.   
"He's fine, hes resting at the moment. He was in shock more than anything, and lost quite a bit of blood from his hand…but he's ok. He'll probably be out for another hour or so, though and maybe a bit groggy when he wakes up." the nurse suddenly looked awkward, "does Tommy take any medication that you two know of?" she asked.   
Adam looked at Monte and they both shook their heads.   
The nurse wrote something on her clipboard "We found ecstasy in his system….a contributing factor to the panic attack he seems to have had."   
Adam and Monte both looked shocked.   
"Has there been anything abnormal about his behavior leading up to this? He been sleeping & eating properly?" the nurse questioned.   
Everything seemed to piece together now like pieces of a puzzle.   
"We've been traveling a lot, so with the different timezones he hasnt been getting a lot of sleep. He fainted at our show last night…just went down on stage. I dunno about eating." Monte explained, he turned to Adam.   
Adam was cradling his head in his hands, smearing his fingers down his face. "He hasnt been eating. I swear hes been living on coffee for the last week or so…" Adam filled in, he suddenly was angry at himself "How could i have not known! Ive been living with the guy for months. I should've picked this up!" he was almost shouting.   
Monte rested a hand on Adam's shoulder "just calm down, adam. Noones blaming anyone. We just gotta stay strong for Tommy".   
Adam nodded.

The nurse wrote more down on her clipboard. "Ok, well i'll come out and let you know when hes awake and up for visitors. In the meantime, i suggest the cafe downstairs, y'all have been here all night". Monte nodded and thanked the nurse as she walked away.   
Adam's head was still buried in his hands "Fuck" he whispered.  
'Come on, man, lets go get some coffee. You wanna change clothes or anything? i got some spare clothes in the car." suggested Monte.   
Adam nodded, he was still dressed in his tshirt and boxers, not really what you want to be seen in by the paparazzi if they turned up. Not that it mattered to Adam at a time like this.

Adam slowly changed and then Monte took him to get coffee at the cafe. Adam questioned ringing Tommy's Mom, but thought to leave it until they had seen Tommy, not wanting to worry her further, especially since as far as they knew, something had happened to Tommy's Dad. A nurse appeared after a while and smiled at them. "You can go and see him now".

As they entered the room, Tommy looked so pale under the white bedsheets of the hospital bed. His eyes still dark with makeup - but smudged slightly. His hand was heavily bandaged at his side and a tube connected to his other hand. Adam rushed to the seat beside the bed and reached out a hand to Tommy's unbandaged one. Tommy's eyes fluttered open, he smiled when he saw Adam looking back at him - although Adam's eyes were filled with concern and worry.   
"Hi" Tommy whispered hoarsely.   
Adam smiled too, happy that he wasn't shaking anymore and that Tommy's eyes were actually focusing on something now and that the beautiful smile was back.   
"Hey" replied Adam, "How are you feeling?".   
Tommy adjusted his position, and carefully sat himself up. He still looked tired, but his breaths were normal and he looked relaxed.   
"I'm hanging in there" came the reply, Tommy reached his hand out and found Adam's again. He wove his fingers through adam's and traced the eye of hours tattoo with his thumb. "Im sorry, Adam" he whispered.   
Adam shook his head, "Don't be sorry…i should be sorry. I should've been looking out for you." He wanted to ask him about the drugs, but couldn't bring himself to do it. He looked briefly away, but Tommy knew him too well.  
"Tell me" Tommy stated simply. Adam looked pained. He didn't want to offend his friend.   
"The nurse told us something about you….about why you've been so….so…." he couldn't find the right word.   
"Out of it?" tommy asked. Adam breathed out. "So you know then…about the drugs?" Adam nodded slowly.   
"Why?" Adam asked tentatively. It was Tommy's turn to breathe out.   
He looked at Adam straight in the eyes "because everyone else was handling it…everyone else was just living on this crazy schedule like it was nothing. You were all dealing with it and i just…..well i wasn't. And they helped….IT helped. When i took it i just felt alive again, and i could keep up." His honesty made Adam want to cry.   
"But you could've talked to us, glitterbaby. We would've helped. We've done this shit before. We forget how hard it is. God Tommy, im so sorry!" he willed himself not to cry. Tommy looked away. "Don't be sorry. it was a conscious decision that I made. It wasn't anyones fault. Noones to blame."

He went to reach out with his other hand, but remembered the bandages. He looked down at it sadly, "My Dad died" he said quietly, and he occupied himself by playing with the top of the sheet. And Adam got it now.   
"Ohhh tommy…" and he reached out and pulled Tommy into a hug - for the first time realizing how frail Tommy's body actually was.

As he pulled away he focused on Tommy's face and watched as a single tear trickled down his pale face. Adam reached out and brushed the tear away with his thumb - for the first time realizing how beautiful Tommy really was. He smiled to himself. Now wasn't the time to start thinking things like that.

"I'm ganna book you a plane home" stated Adam, sitting back in the chair.   
Tommy looked surprised. "No, its ok. I'll sort it. I don't know if i wanna go back there yet. Mom is already ganna be cut up about all of this…." he paused, not being able to bring himself to say the words, "stuff. If she found out i was in here…it would just send her over the edge. She doesn't need that. I don't wanna walk in like 'hi mom, your fucked up drug addicted son is back oh i was in hospital…fainted a few times etc".   
Adam smiled but with concern "you're not fucked up" .   
Tommy smiled slightly. "Yeah i am, you're just too nice to admit it." Adam gave him a warning look and Tommy went quiet.   
"When do you get out?" Adam queried.   
"When they're sure im not going to kill myself" came the reply. Tommy laughed faintly at Adam's dead serious face. "in the next couple of days" he finished. Adam nodded.

A nurse came in with a plate of food and sat it in front of Tommy. Tommy smiled at her sweetly, but as soon as she left the room he made a face at Adam "What the hell is this?" he asked looking at the babyhood styled meal.   
Adam couldn't help but laugh "want me to go get you some real food?" he asked.   
Tommy smiled "yes please" he smiled sweetly.   
Adam stood up and went to get some food at the cafe.   
"Oh hey Adam" Tommy called. Adam spun around. "I'll pay for it by the way".   
Adam was confused. "Pay for what?".   
Tommy smiled, "No, the mirror."   
Adam laughed "oh don't worry about it. its sparkly…like giant shards of glitter."   
Tommy laughed too "you know how i love glitter." was his reply.   
Adam smiled knowingly, 'that i do, glitterbaby. that i do".


	6. Not A Project

"I dunno…about 5minutes away maybe" Adam was walking down the street, holding his phone to his ear and trying to ignore the cameramen in front of him.   
He smiled as the reply from the other end spoke to him "Ok see you then" Tommy was sitting in a booth in a restaurant, his hair falling over his eyes and his foot tapping under the table. He glanced out the window and watched as vans and cars pulled up and paparazzi jumped out of them. He smiled slightly, knowing Adam wasn't far away. He picked up the menu and his eyes began to scan the page.

"Adam! Adam!" came the screech of cameramen as the restaurant door flew open and Adam entered the room. He waved to the paparazzi, made the peace sign with his fingers before moving over to sit across from Tommy.   
"They're nuts, you know" he stated as he sat down and pulled off his jacket. Tommy smiled.   
"How you been?" asked Adam, he put his hands on the table and clasped them together, his eyes intent on Tommy.   
He watched as Tommy pulled his legs up onto the soft leather of the seat and tucked them under himself. "Good….sleeping a lot." he replied.

Adam watched Tommy's hands as they fidgeted with the cutlery sitting on the table. His eyes weren't focused on Adam, but he concentrated on moving the fork and the knife around in the serviette that wrapped around them. "Hows everyone back home?" Adam asked. Tommy stopped playing with the cutlery and now shifted his attention to the chain of his watch.   
"Fine…they're all fine. They're all holding up pretty good. Funeral's on Friday….i should really go but…i dunno", his hands were erratic, now spinning the watch round his wrist. Adam watched intently. He reached out his own hand and placed it over Tommy's, lightly forcing his hands to stay still.

Tommy stared at Adam's hand then looked up at his face. "Just take as much time off as you need" Adam told him soothingly. Tommy nodded slowly. "We should order something" suggested Adam, and he moved his hands and scanned his eyes over the menu.

Both men ordered and then waited for their food. Adam observed Tommy, taking him in. He was sure that the already slim man opposite him had lost weight. Now that Adam had freed his hands, Tommy went back to fidgeting, this time with the cuff on his shirt.   
When there food came out, Tommy barely touched his, instead he picked at it with his fork and spun it round the plate. He looked awkward, whether it was from the flashing of the photographers outside the window or not, Adam wasn't sure.

"You wanna go somewhere else?" suggested Adam, his voice full of concern.   
Tommy shook his head "no, heres fine. its fine" he replied quickly.   
"Is 'fine' the word of the day?" Adam asked teasingly. He thought he saw a smile tug at the corners of Tommy's mouth.   
"I don't want to go" Tommy piped up.   
Adam was confused "go where?". Tommy's eyes looked down, and Adam clicked.   
"I think you should go…do you want me to go with you?" he asked.   
Tommy was talking about the funeral. He felt exposed at that moment, he could hear the concern in Adam's voice, he knew that everyone just wanted to help him, but Tommy wished that he wasn't in a situation where help was needed. He checked his watch '3:45pm'. He could squeeze in a quick fix now if he was lucky.

"Tommy?" adam was staring at him, breaking his train of thought. He looked at him like he was a nutcase, a project, something that needed to be taken care of or supervised.   
"Bathroom" Tommy breathed and he pushed himself up out of the chair and hurried off to the mens room. Adam watched after him. It hurt him to see how much Tommy was being torn apart, with his Dad gone, everything just seemed to be eating him up inside.

A waitress came and took away their plates - Adam's empty, Tommy's with only 2 mouthfuls taken from it.

When Tommy didn't arrive back after 10minutes, Adam left the table and went in search of the bathrooms. Tommy was standing at one of the sinks, his hand buried in his jeans pocket and his eyes wide, like a deer stuck in the headlights when he saw Adam walk in. He quickly withdrew his hand and busied himself washing his hands.   
Adam gave him a knowing look and walked over to where he was standing. He leaned over the sink beside tommy and put his head down "Tommy" he sighed.   
Tommy didn't say anything, he fixed his eyes on his hands, soaping them up probably a little too roughly than was necessary.   
"Pass it here" came Adam's voice, and Tommy watched as Adam put his hand out, expecting Tommy to place something in his hand. Tommy pulled at the towel, drying his hands. He couldn't look at Adam and he found his eyes darting around the room.   
He pushed his hand into his jeans pocket again, and cupped his hand protectively around the canister of pills that sat there. He could feel Adam's expectant eyes on him.   
"Let me help you" came Adam's voice in a pleading whisper.   
"you cant help me" Tommy forced out of his mouth.   
Adam's eyes were sad, he dropped his hand to his side and looked at Tommy helplessly.

They stood there awkwardly for a minute. Adam took in Tommy's awkward almost shy stance, his face tortured under his long fringe, his eyes searching. Adam reached out to pull tommy into a hug, but Tommy ducked out of the way and walked towards the door, his hand still in his pocket cradling his pills.   
"I don't want your help, Adam!" his tone was a lot harsher than he had meant it to be and he instantly regretted it, "Im not a project!" he almost shouted. Who was this cruel person who had seemed to have taken over his body?

Adam was visibly hurt, he stood with his back to Tommy, still staring at the spot that he had stood.   
He heard the door slam behind him…and Tommy was gone.


	7. Flashing Lights

"Just call me when you get this…im sorry."   
Adam put the phone down after leaving what felt like the hundredth message on Tommy's phone.   
Monte walked out to the balcony where Adam was sitting and placed his beer down on the table "Still no reply?" he asked.   
Adam shook his head "I don't know what to do anymore" he explained.   
Monte pulled a dont-ask-me face "He'll probably be at Terrance's party tonight. Give him room, man. He has to sort this out in his own time. None of us can sort it for him." came his sensible reply.   
Adam nodded, skulking back the red bull that was sitting on the table in front of him "i just want to make it all go away for him".

____

 

The lights flashed, there was glitter everywhere, the music pumped so loud that everyone had to shout at each other.   
Adam arrived with Drake, but even with his eyes and hair all glittered up for the party, he just wasn't in the mood. He craned his neck over the heads of people to try and see if he could see Tommy….he couldn't.   
'Come on, lets go and dance!" suggested Drake. It was their first night together for a little while, since Drake didn't tour with him. Adam felt Drake's hand around his own and followed as Drake pulled him into the crowd and let the music take control of his body. Adam - usually big on dancing - stood awkwardly half bouncing on the spot to try and look amused.

After about 10minutes, Drake grabbed his lovers hand again and pulled him out of the crowd and into the cold air outside. "Whats up, Boo?" he asked. His voice sounded slightly disappointed, and Adam felt half guilty knowing that he was ruining Drake's good time and bringing down the mood. The two leaned over the balcony, staring up at the stars.  
"Sorry, im just thinking about…never mind." he didn't want to bring down the mood anymore than he already had, and even though Tommy and Adam were strictly friends, Drake still got annoyed when Adam would go on about other guys.  
'i flew all the way over here to see you, and you're just not you tonight, man. whats up with you?" Drake asked his voice slightly annoyed.   
"Its nothing. im sorry" said Adam and he turned and planted a kiss on Drake's neck. Drake frowned, but grabbed Adam's hands and kissed him back. As Drake tugged at adam's jacket and allowed his hands to move up and down his back, pulling Adam closer to him as their lips smashed together, Adam attempted to loosen up a bit. Drake pulled Adam's jacket off and it fell to the ground as he tilted his head to the side, exploring Adam's mouth.

There was a car horn that beeped twice and the flash of headlights in the distance before the two broke their kiss and watched as the gate below the balcony swung open. Adam's heart skipped a beat when he saw the blonde mass of hair that was Tommy walking towards the house with two girls on either side of him. Both wearing skirts much too short for their long legs and tops not containing much.   
Tommy smiled sheepishly as both of them leaned into his shoulders as he walked. He paused as they got to the end of the steps, noticing Adam and Drake at the top. he glanced up before whispering something to the two girls sending them both rushing up the stairs past Adam and into the party. Adam stepped aside as one of the redheaded girls pushed past him. Tommy climbed the steps taking two at a time, and stopped when he reached the top. Adam was staring at him, and Drake tightened his grip on his hand.   
"Adam. Drake" Tommy acknowledged, bowing his head slightly and with that he walked past the two and disappeared into the flashing lights in the next room.

Drake sent Adam a look before slowly trailing a hand up Adam's chest lovingly "You wanna go somewhere a bit more private?" he asked seductively. Adam gently pushed his hands away. "Lets go back inside and dance, yeah?".   
Drake looked disappointed, but shrugged as the two went back into the glitter stained room behind them.

As they danced together, Drake lightly grinding up Adam's body in time with the beat of the drums, Adam caught a glimpse of Tommy's blonde hair in the distance. He was leaning against a wall as one of the girls he had arrived with trailed kisses up his body. Tommy flicked his head around, his eyes looking down at the brunette as she moved her hands up his waist, running them up his chest and then resting them on the wall on either side of Tommy's head. He had a sheepish looking smiling on his face as the woman planted a kiss on his lips before lacing an arm around his shoulders and whispering something in his ear. Tommy nodded and followed obediently as the woman led him away from the party.   
He glanced back over the dancefloor as he left, catching Adam's eyes for a second eye as Adam watched on in a stunned shock from the middle of the dancefloor.


	8. Fear To Care

Adam woke up in Drake's motel the next morning. His head sore from excessive alcohol from the night before. Everything was a blur from the moment after Tommy left. He'd danced and drunk and then found himself pulled into a taxi where they had gone clubbing in town. He couldn't remember what time it was when the two of them had stumbled back to the motel - but from his pounding head and groggy feeling he figured it wasn't that many hours ago.

Drake appeared in the doorway, a towel wrapped around his waist, holding cups of coffee in his hands. He placed one cup on the bedside table near Adam. "Wild night last night, eh?" he grinned. Adam sat himself up and reached over putting the coffee cup to his lips. The smell of caffeine made him feel sick, but he drunk it down all the same.   
"Fuck, whats the time?" he asked, suddenly jolting back to reality.   
"Like 10" came the reply. Adam groaned, gulping down the rest of his coffee and jumping out of bed finding his clothes on the floor "I gotta get to the studio". Drake nodded and watched as Adam pulled his shirt on.   
"Right away?" he asked, hoping the answer would be no. He didn't seem to have much time with Adam these days. It was music 24/7.   
Adam shimmied on his pants and found his belt under the bed "yeah meant to be there by half past" came his muffled reply. Drake sighed, but Adam was already pulling on his shoes and moving towards the door.   
"I'll catch up with you later, babe" he called as he grabbed his keys and shut the door, leaving Drake still standing in the hallway with his half full cup of coffee.

Adam backed out of the drive and high tailed it down to the studio. He saw the paparazzi in his rear view mirror in a silver van behind him, and did his best to throw them off by taking the back routes. As he stopped outside the studio, he pulled some mascara and eyeliner out of the glove box and did a quick job of makeup before pulling a jacket over his head and keeping his head down before pushing his way past the flashing cameras into the dimly lit studio.   
"Adam, you decided to join us!" was Monte's greeting as he entered the room.   
Adam threw his keys and jacket into the corner "yeah sorry guys".   
He almost walked straight past Tommy who was sitting on a chair in the corner, his head resting on his hand drinking a red bull slowly.

Adam suddenly felt mad for unknown reasons, and glanced his way before walking towards the sound booth. He roughly put the headphones on and waited for the music to hit. They recorded two songs before taking a break. Monte arranged the chairs in the studio into a circle and pulled out a hefty looking sandwich and started munching on it. "Big night last night, eh TJ?" he asked Tommy through a mouthful.   
Tommy smiled in the corner, now swapping his red bull for a bottle of water "yeah could say that" he chuckled back.

Adam sat down in a chair, his arms folded in front of him, leaning back and tipping dangerously on the chair. The more he looked over at Tommy the angrier he seemed to get.   
"Who were the two sluts?" mumbled Adam, his eyes bearing into Tommy. Tommy looked taken aback, his face barely visible in the dark room and his eyes sleepy without makeup.   
"'Scuse me?" he asked.   
Adam pulled a face "the two girls you were with" he clarified.   
Tommy moved his hand up to his face and tucked his blonde fringe behind his ear, it fell back into his face almost immediately and he didn't bother to try it again. "They're friends of mine" was his reply.   
"Bet they are" stated adam sarcastically.   
Monte looked from one man to the other "Adam's whats your problem?" he asked. Adam didn't take his eyes off Tommy.   
"So thats your style now is it? you just shack up with some two sluts you barely know and fuck both of them at random parties? I thought you were better than that." Tommy looked shocked and slightly hurt.   
"What the hell? What i do and who i sleep with for that matter doesn't really concern you." he shot back.

Adam crossed his legs and bought his chair back to its four legs. Tommy looked over at Monte, trying to decide if Monte was going to have a go at him too. Monte was staring at Adam shocked by his outburst.   
"Adam" Monte stated. He gave him a what-are-you-getting-at look.   
"Fuck this" cursed Tommy, standing up and kicking the chair back into the circle with his foot.   
"yeah go back to your sluts then" Adam shouted after him. Tommy turned and looked into Adam's eyes trying to read him.   
"They're not sluts" Tommy said calmly but with a point.   
"Yeah maybe thats just you" was Adam's reply.

Tommy opened the door letting a stream of sunlight and photographer flashes fill the room. He slammed the door behind him.

Adam kicked Tommy's chair in front of him, hearing the crash as it hit the floor.   
"What the fuck was that?" asked Monte, obviously pissed off that the afternoon's recording wasn't going to happen anymore.   
"They were all over him at the party just out there for anyone to see" Adam stated, looking over at Monte.   
"Well whats it to you?" asked Monte with an annoyed tone. Adam didn't say anything, he just looked at Tommy's chair on the floor.   
"Its nothing to you" Monte answered his own question.

"I get that he's messed up at the moment but thats totally not like him. Like they were basically just standing there fucking in the hallway" Adam whined to Drake. Drake sat across from him, annoyed as well   
"Its his life, he can do what he wants with it…god Adam since i got here it's Tommy this, Tommy that. Who gives a flying fuck?".   
Adam sat sulking in his chair. "You almost sound jealous" Drake threw out there.   
Adam looked up at him and pulled a face "pfft of what?" he asked.   
"I dunno, man. But im getting pretty sick of you going on about him"

Drake shot Adam an annoyed look before grabbing his keys and walking out to his car. Adam watched as he drove away.

He sat there in silence tracing the mosaic patterns on the table with his finger. Even he couldn't work out why he was so mad about it. Drake was right, it was Tommy's life, why should he care what he chose to do with it? But as Adam scrolled down his messages in his blackberry, his finger stopped on a photo txt from Tommy from a few days before. He opened it up to see a photo of Tommy & Monte smiling back at him. It was sunset so their faces were only half visible in the lighting - but the blonde tips of Tommy's hair glistened in the light.

Adam smiled at the image before scrolling down to read the message:

"Got the nation but missing the glam. See you soon babyboy - TJ".

And in that moment Adam realized that even though he shouldn't care - a big part of him seemed to be caring too much.


	9. Lusting A Third

Tommy pulled the guitar over his shoulder. He was cracked out on red bull and pumped from his last hit.   
Adam strolled right past him when he arrived, grabbing his jacket from the hook. "Didn't think you'd turn up" he stated without looking at Tommy. Tommy busied himself in twisting the tuning pegs on his guitar. "Im not ganna let the rest of the crew down and the fans down just coz you're in a pissy mood" was his reply.   
Adam admired Tommy's dedication to the fans and to the band. He knew he'd been a jerk yesterday.

He buttoned up his coat before looking over at Tommy. He smiled at how Tommy had done his eyes - a streak of white glitter coming from the corners. "What?" asked Tommy. He tried to sound civil, even though he was annoyed at the comments Adam had made the day before.   
Adam laughed "You're very glam tonight". Tommy smiled now too, the tension between them now slowly disappearing   
"Thanks".

As Fever began to play, Adam did his usual saunter down the steps and wrapped his arm around Tommy. Tommy leaned back and flicked his hair out of his eyes and looked up at Adam, playing to the crowd. Adam looked down to him, and for the first time he looked at Tommy in a different way. Those big brown eyes piercing out of the black shapes Tommy had brushed on were looking up at him, and for a moment Adam was captured by the sheer beauty of Tommy. He let the hand with his microphone fall to his side, and wrapped his other hand around Tommy's neck and pulled him in for a kiss. His eyes shut and caught up in the moment, it wasn't until Tommy moved his guitar in a way to gently push Adam away that Adam realized he had missed a good 3 lines of the song and he should be singing now.   
Tommy was focused on playing his bass but shot Adam a slightly surprised glance before Adam broke out of his trance and went back to singing the words of the song.

As Adam danced to the rest of the song, he left the stage for his costume change. As he waited for makeup to touch up his eyes, he sneaked a glance of Tommy in the corner switching his guitars.  
He was looking at Tommy in a way he hadnt ever looked at him - with lust. He pushed the feeling out of his head and drew his eyes away.  
'He's in your band…you're with Drake….' Adam told himself '….its just for entertainment. you got caught up. theres nothing there, you're imagining things'.

The stage call came, snapping Adam back to reality.

Adam and Drake watched Tommy through a gap in the door as he drew two pills out of his pocket and swallowed them. They exchanged glances but neither of them said anything.   
Tommy came out of the room smiling, unaware that the two people straring back at him had seen anything out of the ordinary "Ok im ganna go meet up with Cam for lunch" he announced.   
Adam smiled back "Ok, say hi for me" and he watched as Tommy walked out the door.

"Still addicted to that stuff, then?" asked Drake sounding bored. Adam nodded, a pained expression spreading across his face.  
"Ive tried taking it off him. its not use. its best to kind of just leave it." was Adam's reply.   
Drake picked up the remote and began surfing the TV for anything half watchable. "Theres always rehab" suggested Drake suddenly.   
Adam looked over at him. He thought about the idea and then nodded.   
"We ganna do something special tonight? Its my last night in town" Drake changed the topic. Adam perked up a little   
"Yeah sure. we can go hit some clubs or…" "i was thinking more something quiet and romantic" interrupted Drake, "like the beach". Adam looked surprised. He loved the beach but he hated the water.   
"Sure" he mused.

As they lay on the beach looking out at the ocean, Adam trailed his finger through the sand, drawing patterns as he went. Drake wanted love tonight, Adam could tell. he kept sneaking kisses and running his hands over Adam's body. As the sun began to sink in the sky, Drake rolled over, his hands running up adam's sides, his kisses becoming more urgent. Adam began to relax as Drake unbuttoned his shirt and tossed it into the sand.

A flashing interrupted them and Adam caught a glimpse of a cameraman hiding in the distance.   
"Fuck" cursed Drake, rolling off Adam and shaking the sand out of his top. Adam sat up, annoyed that their privacy had been interrupted. He tried yelling at the photographer to get him to leave them alone. When he didn't, Drake got up, his top unbuttoned and clumsily chased the photog down the beach, threatening that he would call the police if the man didn't leave. He returned breathless, a few minutes later.

"Im sorry" breathed Adam. Sometimes being famous wasn't all it was cracked up to be.   
"Its ok" was Drake's reply, "pick up where we left off?" and he buried his face in Adam's neck. Adam tilted his head allowing Drake to run his kisses up his jawline. he closed his eyes.

"I think rehab's a good idea" breathed Adam, his head still on one side. Drake stopped, and pulled away   
"what?" he asked, annoyed.   
"For tommy" came the reply.  
"Fuck, Adam" cursed Drake, crossing his legs now and watching the waves in front of them.   
"I reckon it'd be good, you know" continued Adam.

Drake was pissed off, he picked a shell up from beside them and threw it towards the shoreline.   
"Can we just have one fuckin' night where he isn't part of our relationship?" questioned Drake, "like honestly adam, its like we have a 3 person relationship here".   
Adam's head looked at Drake "im sorry….im just worried, Ya know?"   
Drake wasn't convinced "why do you care so much? like actually. He wants to shag some chicks at a party then why not?….unless….unless you'd rather him shagging you" Drake was now staring at Adam, his head titled, his expression annoyed. Adam looked down, unsure of what to say.   
"oh fuck, you love him don't you? You've got to be fuckin' kidding me…" Drake caught on. He went to stand up, buttoning his top as he did so.

Adam avoided his gaze, busying himself with his patterns in the sand. "I just…i don't want to lose him" Adam said quietly.   
Drake sent him a glance that bore into his soul "Yeah well maybe you should've thought that through before you lost me". And with that he walked back up the beach, leaving Adam sitting alone in a ridiculous hat and shorts as a photographer nearby clicked his camera to capture the moment.


	10. Walking A Straight Line

Tommy ran his fingers through his hair, staring at his reflection in the window. It just wouldn't sit right tonight.   
He watched as Adam slumped into the couch across the room , tipped his head back and closed his eyes. "Staying in tonight?" queried Tommy.   
Adam opened his eyes, but kept his head back "yeah".

Tommy decided his hair just wasn't going to do what he wanted it too no matter what, he spun around to look at Adam. "I thought Drake would be coming over" he thought aloud. He was now playing with his tie. Everything just seemed to be falling out of place today.   
"We broke up" Adam replied simply, he flopped his head forward, running his own fingers through his hair.   
"Oh..." was all Tommy could say.   
Adam had been with Drake for over a year now, and they always seemed content and very much in love from what Tommy saw. He knew better than to question why, "You ok?" he asked instead.   
Adam sat back in the couch "Yeah". He didn't want to talk about it - especially not with Tommy.

His eyes looked over at his bassist and his mouth spread into a smile as he watched the smaller man struggle with his tie.   
"Here let me" Adam offered, and stood up and walked over to Tommy. He unfolded the tangled tie and lightly pulled it before looping it and pulling tight. He patted Tommy's chest as his fingers glided down the fabric to straighten it out.   
"Thanks" smiled Tommy - feeling stupid for not being able to work it out himself. Adam's hand lingered, still holding the bottom of the tie, before letting go. He stared at the fabric before retreating his hand back to his side and tearing his gaze to the window.

Tommy watched him, confused and feeling slightly awkward just standing in the middle of the room. He turned quickly, not being able to find anything else to say. "I'll see ya later tonight" he called as he walked out. Adam stared after him - wondering if Tommy had noticed how much Adam had wanted to just pull the tie off.

____

"Why haven't you called? We're worried about you?" Tommy sighed at the frantic voice on the other end of the phone.   
Iim fine, Mom. Been busy with the shows and everything….you know how it is". He was sitting in his friend's dining room, looking over at her as he tried to cut the phone conversation short. He mouthed an 'im sorry' to his friend, pointing at the phone. His mother's voice rattled on   
"Don't work too hard…i thought you would've come home last friday. People were asking after you…" her voice trailed off.   
There it was. The line Tommy had been waiting for, that kick to the stomach he was hoping to avoid.   
Tommy looked over at his friend sitting across from him who tapped her watch, signalling that she had somewhere to be. He threw a hand up, ushering her that it was ok before standing up and grabbing his coat. "Mom, i gotta go" he told the voice on the phone and hung up rather abruptly.

"Everything ok?" Mia asked, she was looking at him concerned.   
"Its fine. Look, i'll let you go. It was good catching up" he leaned over and gave her a half hearted hug before finding his way to the door.

As he stepped out into the fresh air, he realized how late it was. He began to briskly walk back to the motel, avoiding how cold he was in his thin t-shirt. The sun had just gone down, and he felt around the pockets of his black jeans to check the time. He'd left his phone. Not bothered, he kept walking.

Three young guys dressed in thick sweatshirts were kicking a soccer ball around the street ahead of him. As the ball bounced across the road, one of the guys turned to look Tommy's way. He whispered something to his friend who was now kicking the soccer ball like a hackie sack, the two snickered amongst themselves. Tommy kept his head down, ignoring them.

"Hey look at this, Jo! Come over here, check this out!" one of the guys yelled to his friend across the road. A dark skinned man smiled as he shot a glance at Tommy.   
"Hey faggot!" called the other guy. Tommy kept his head down.   
"Oi! we're talking to you!" the other guy shouted. Tommy looked up briefly, but kept walking. He heard footsteps as the larger guy out of the three began walking towards him. He stood in Tommy's path   
"Anyone got a fag?" the guy yelled to his friends obnoxiously. Tommy tried to sidestep him. "Hey where you goin? hang on a minute" and the guy put his hand out, touching tommy's shoulder and giving him a slight push. Tommy stumbled slightly, bumping into another guy behind him.  
"Sorry…" began Tommy, but realized it was one of the guys that had had the soccer ball at the start. He instantly wanted to take the apology back.   
As he turned around, the bigger guy tripped him, and Tommy fell to the ground. He landed putting all his weight onto his hands, but stopping himself from falling flat.   
There was a sharp pain suddenly in the side of his face and he watched as a Nike sneaker withdrew and then walked away, laughing as it went.   
There was a last wolf whistle from one of the guys as he shouted "whose a pretty boy, now?". Tommy looked up from behind his blonde hair that had fallen over his face, and watched as the three men walked away, their laughter echoing in his ears.   
"Im straight!" he called back, but his voice was so quiet as he lay there on the ground that not even the bird that landed in front of him could've heard it.


	11. Strictly Entertainment

Adam was sitting out on the verandah, a glass of wine in one hand and his dead blackberry phone in the other. It was dark out, and he watched as the stars began to peep their heads through the black clouds.  
It was strange for him to be by himself - no cellphone beeping, no phone ringing, no Drake, no band behind him. He wasn't sure if he liked the eery silence.

He took off his glasses and headed back inside. As he closed the sliding door, he heard the other door open and then bang shut. Excited that he was no longer alone, Adam quickly put his blackberry on the table and then turned around.

Tommy stood before him, his arms red, his head hung low, a slow stream of blood bubbling from his bottom lip and a cut above his left eye. Adam looked at him in shock "Tommy, what the fuck happened?" he asked, suddenly panicked. He rushed over to get a closer look, his hands finding the sides of Tommy's head as he gently moved his hands examining the cuts to his friend's face.   
Tommy stayed silent, his eyes bearing into Adam's as the taller man slowly dropped his hands back to his side.

"Fuck Tommy, you're freezing!" concern was written all over Adam's face and he began to take his own jacket off and drape it around Tommy's shoulders. Tommy had forgotten about how cold he was, his throbbing lip and stinging eye had kept his mind away from his bare arms, but now that Adam said it, his skin suddenly filled with goosebumps. Adam led him over to the couch, holding his own jacket over Tommy's shoulders. Tommy walked with a mild limp, the pain in his knees beginning to wake up from the cold.   
"Its fine, just some little punks" mumbled Tommy finally. Adam wasn't convinced, he busied himself in eyeing up the cut above Tommy's eye again. He shot Tommy a tell-the-truth glance. "Its nothing, honestly" and Tommy stood up and moved towards the bathroom, remembering halfway there that there wasn't a mirror in there anymore.   
His hands were stinging from when he had tried to break his fall. He didn't want to talk about it, but he heard Adam's footsteps behind him and felt Adam's hand on his shoulder as he spun him around.

"Talk to me" Adam pleaded with him. Adam watched as Tommy's big brown eyes slowly looked up at him. They were filled with sadness and Adam couldn't help but reach out and touch Tommy's bleeding lip gently, before retreating his hand and staring at his now blood-covered finger. Part of him thinking that if he simply touched it, it would magically go away. Tommy's sad eyes widened, and he seemed to snap into action, turning his head and storming off to his room.   
He slammed the door behind him and sat down on his bed, hugging his knees to his face.

He could hear Adam on the other side of the door - he just wouldn't quit!   
Jjust piss off" growled Tommy but his voice broke as tears bubbled at his throat. He heard Adam's fingers lightly slide down the other side of the door. He was obviously just standing there waiting to see if Tommy was going to let him in.

Tommy placed his own shaking finger to his lips, observing the damage. There was a shuffling noise from the door.   
"They called me a fag, ok!" Tommy shouted, but his voice still came off as quiet as tears ran down his face. He listened as he heard Adam's back slide down the other side of the door and the quiet slap as Adam's hands moved down his face, smearing his makeup.

There was silence on both sides of the door.

Tommy's stinging, blood-stained hand buried its way into his pocket and drew out the oh too familiar pills - the last one. He popped it into his mouth, not caring that he had no water. Adam heard the popping of the canister from behind the door. He drew his own head out of his hands, and leaned his head back onto the door, making a slight thud "Im sorry, Tommy" he breathed.   
With that he heaved himself up off the floor, one hand lingering on the hard wood of the door before he turned into his own room and shut the door.

Tommy emerged from his room an hour or so later. He went to the bathroom and dabbed a wet cloth over his eye and lip. He heard the quiet creak of Adam's bedroom door opening, and he moved to stand in the doorway. Adam looked terrible - his hair a mess, his eyes puffy from crying, his jeans unironed and crinkled at the bottoms.

He opened the fridge and drew out a bottle of wine, drawing a glass from the top cupboard and placing it on the bench. He paused, feeling Tommy's eyes watching him, but didn't turn around. "Want one?" he asked instead.   
Tommy stayed in the doorway, his head resting on the doorframe - still holding the damp cloth to his lip "Why not?" he replied.

He watched as Adam pulled the cork out of the bottle effortlessly and slowly poured two glasses of red wine. He moved Tommy's glass to the side, instead of going over and giving it to him. He then took his own glass and sculled it back in one lot.

Tommy moved from the doorway and cautiously picked up his glass from the benchtop. He watched as Adam's eyes shifted to look at him. Adam carefully placed his now empty glass on the bench again, and began to pour another. He licked his lips as he gulped down half the glass, before looking back at Tommy. Neither of them really knew what to say.

"Im real sorry about what happened" Adam broke the silence. Tommy took a small sip from his glass   
"Its not your fault." he said quietly.   
Adam's eyes were now focusing on his drink, he swished the liquid around, watching the whirlwind effect that it made as it moved.   
"When i was in high school," Adam began, "There were these three guys who were just jerks. I would go to school late to avoid them. Everyday it was 'fag', 'queer', 'homo' you know the story. But you learn to deal with it, because judgmental people cant dim your shine and in the end - its just words." Adam looked up at Tommy now. "Ive been that kid on the ground…i know what its like. But when they walked away and they called me shit or they came back to get that second boot in, my stomach would do a somersault because i knew that i WAS a fag…and at the time, i thought that that would be my life. I thought that was what it was like when you didn't fit in, when you didn't fit the norm…and i feared that life. I didn't want to lie on the ground everyday, treated like skum because i was different." Adam took another sip of his wine. "I wouldn't wish that life on anyone. Especially when the person is wrongly accused…" his voice trailed off and he watched as Tommy sat his glass down on the bench.   
"I make my show about love to show all those kids lying on the ground, that its ok. That even only for one night, they can dust themselves off, pick themselves up and for once they can be the winners - they can kick the bullies for once if we prove that this life…this tiny aspect is ok….but tommy, if the entertainment means that you are going to get this kind of treatment….if it means that you have to go through what i went through…i wouldn't wish that on you. not for anything in this world."  
Tommy looked at him, those sad, conflicted eyes again - "i told you its nothing…i don't wanna change the show just coz i got a couple of bruises…. coz then they win, right? Plus its just for entertainment….now can we just talk about something else now?"

Adam nodded slowly. As he filled his wine glass one last time, the words repeated in his head: 'just for entertainment'.


	12. Wrapped In The Party

"Happy Halloween!" Dressed in a top hat, with full facepaint and a slash-styled outfit, Adam popped out from behind the door.   
Tommy laughed, using his fingers to smudge his own lipstick down his chin, grinning with his vampire fangs he had just bought. "Ready to go?" asked Adam.   
He was like a little kid when it came to halloween. Easily his favorite holiday of the year. Tommy nodded, combing his hair quickly with his fingers.

As they sat in the car, Adam began to laugh. "What?" asked Tommy, grinning himself.   
"Two vampires in a black convertible driving down LA….this'll be good for the gossip mags tomorrow", Tommy laughed too. He began fumbling with the car stereo, flicking through the radio stations.  
"If one of my songs comes on, it goes off" warned Adam.   
Tommy smiled again "oh come on, Adam, i know how you like to rock out to your own songs late at night….i heard you" he said teasingly. Adam pulled a face but then burst out laughing "ohhh stop it there…i love this song!"   
Katy Perry's peacock rang through the car, and Tommy spun the dial to turn the volume up.   
"I wanna see your peacock cock cock!" sung Adam, bouncing around in the drivers seat. He swished his head around causing his top hat to fall off.   
Tommy laughed and picked it up, placing it on his own head   
"Whatya think?" he asked posing slightly and pursing his lips into a pout. Adam glanced over at him briefly before turning his eyes back to the road.   
He leaned his head back and laughed "i love it….are you brave enough to let me see your peacock?" he asked as he sung along with the words.   
Tommy laughed once again "You're such a douche" he said playfully, he removed the hat from his head and sat it in his lap, running his fingers through the feathers stuck to the top.

Adam was still dancing around in his seat and Tommy couldn't help but join in "Come on baby lemme see watchu hiding underneath!" he sung along. Adam laughed as they both sang along to the chorus. As the song came to an end, Adam turned the volume down, still smiling in his seat as they sat waiting for the light to go green.   
"Seems so long since I've partied! i love halloween!" his voice was excited and Tommy nodded in agreement.

As they pulled up at the venue, Adam turned off the car and turned to Tommy. "Hat?" he stated, putting his hand out.   
"Oh i dunno….i thought i looked quite good in it, i was ganna keep it for myself" joked Tommy, holding the hat close to his chest.   
Adam's face curled into a smile as he reached over and snatched it back "behave kitty!" he stated as he opened the door and got out of the car.

Terrance came running outside to greet them, already drunk and still holding a bottle in his hand "Ready to par-tay?!" he asked, rushing over to give Adam a hug "Love the costume!" and he eyed up Adam's outfit.   
"Yours too!" he replied excitedly.

They were handed drinks as they entered the party scene - complete with hanging skeletons and ripped flowing sheets from the roof. It was dark and lit with UV blue lights as well as the lazer show near the stage where a band dressed as skeletons were rocking out an electric guitar solo.

Sasha appeared grabbing Tommy's hand and they disappeared somewhere into the crowd. Terrance pulled Adam into the moshpit and began to dance, and before he knew it, Adam was letting loose too, his hands in the air doing some ridiculous krumping motion. After a while, Adam could already feel the alcohol taking over his body and drenched in sweat from dancing, pulled himself out of the crowd to go and find another drink. He saw Tommy & Sasha sitting up near the bar and greeted them both with hi fives. Tommy had had a few now too, and his words were beginning to mix together.

"Come dance, glitterbaby!" Adam shouted over the music. Tommy downed a shot, passing one to Adam. He downed his too, and Sasha waved at them to go on without her. Adam grabbed Tommy's hand and lifted it above his head so as not to lose him in the crowd. He pulled him to a clearing in the middle of the mosh and began to move his hips and wave his arms around again. Tommy flicked his head around, attempting some distorted version of Michael Jackson's thriller dance.  
Adam laughed "woo!" he yelled to noone listening. He ducked down to the floor and body rolled his way up, brushing against Tommy as he went. Tommy just smiled and laughed along, even pulling out some grinding dancemoves of his own.

As their gap in the floor got smaller, the two got closer together "Who needs Drake when i got you!" yelled Adam. In his drunken state, Tommy didn't register but instead kept swaying his hips to the music, not caring when Adam's hands began to sway with him.

'If i had you' suddenly blasted through the speakers. Everyone cheered, apart from Adam who groaned but began singing all the same.   
Hands all reached from him to pull him up on stage. He stumbled up and was passed a mike, but his words were slurred and he was dancing more to the music in his head than the music that everyone else was singing to.   
"If i had you….." and the crowd sung back at him, pointing at the ceiling and fist pumping along.   
"Glitterbaby!" Adam called, reaching out his arms to pull Tommy up onto the stage with him.

Someone handed Tommy guitar - not realizing it was an electric and not a bass, but Tommy was not in the state of mind to take any notice, he looped the strap over his shoulder and began playing all the wrong notes, flicking his head around as Adam looped an arm around his shoulders.

The crowd was singing the song, Adam slurring along with them. "If i had you dododododo you dodododo!" Adam pointed at Tommy, an excited expression on his face   
"I just want you!" and in a quick blur of events Adam pushed his lips into Tommy's, his arms rushing down tommy's back as he pulled the bass player into him. With his already blurred vision, Tommy was not aware of what was going on…and after the past couple of days, it didn't feel that bad to be loved…even if it was by Adam.   
As Adam snaked his arms up Tommy's chest, slipping his tongue into Tommy's mouth….Tommy let him.


	13. Exposed

Tommy groaned and rolled over in the bed, pulling the sheets up to his face. He could feel the light streaming through the blinds on his eyelids. Rubbing his eyes, his eyes flickered open and took in the room.   
Wait. This was not his room.

He rolled over to see Adam sleeping soundly beside him.   
Shit! Suddenly he was wide awake.  
"Fuck fuck fuck!" he chanted to himself, pulling a duvet around him and scrambling out of the bed. Adam stirred slightly, his eyes flickering before they opened. His eyes then landed on Tommy and widened.   
"Aw shit" was all he could say.

Tommy stood wrapped in the duvet, his eyes wide in that deer-stuck-in-the-headlights way. Adam willed himself up in the bed, wrapping the sheets around him. He buried his head in his hands.   
"We didn't…did we?" Tommy asked, his face pleading and stressed.   
Adam looked up at him briefly, his left on eyeliner smudged and his mascara streaky under his eyes "Oh god" he muttered.

Tommy pulled the duvet around him tighter and turned and walked - almost sprinted out of the room into his own, slamming the door behind him. Adam stayed sitting up in his bed, willing the hangover away and trying to remember what the hell happened. He put his feet on the ground and pulled the first clothes he could find out of his drawers and roughly put them on - not caring if they didn't match. Fully clothed, he sat back down on the bed, pulling the sheets up over him and hung his head.

He briefly remembered being on the stage and as blurred as the memory was, he could remember stumbling into a taxi with Tommy. Straight Tommy. Bass player. "Fuck!" groaned Adam into the sheets.

He grabbed a glass of water from the bedside table, not knowing how old it was, and gulped it back - trying to expel the throbbing headache. And it was then that the memories just seemed to flood back one by one…standing in the hallway laughing as he walked into the wall, trying to walk a straight line. He remembered his hands finding Tommy's in the dark - after failing to find the lightswitch. How Tommy had looked at him with those big brown eyes and smiled - he'd never looked so cute in his life. The urgent kisses - and then the undying need to feel skin to skin. Adam shook it out of his head. They'd been one night stands in the past - but not like this. His mind instantly leapt to Tommy.   
"Shit!" he cursed and willed himself out of the bed, stumbling a little when he stood up again as the headache reminded him it was still there. He went to the kitchen and gulped back two more glasses of water, before switching the jug on. 'Caffeine' he told himself. But this was more than just any hangover.

He stared down the hall at Tommy's closed bedroom door. He felt unclean and sick - half from the alcohol wearing off, and half because of the guilt overtaking him as he realized that he had had sex with his straight best friend.

Tommy sat with his back leaning against the door. His head in his hands, still wrapped in the duvet. This wasn't him - this wasn't what he did. He was straight. He drilled it into his mind 'straight straight straight' he told himself.   
Everytime he closed his eyes, his own memories would flood back. He could still feel Adam's hands on his sides, his lips touching his, their bodies close. He didn't remember the words or the actions, just the touch.

He pulled his jeans out of his drawer - kicking his bed briefly at the realization that his other jeans and his other clothes were in Adam's room. He swung open his bedroom door, instantly thinking kitchen and coffee. He paused when he saw Adam leaning over the sink. He went to backtrack, but Adam turned around.   
The two stared at each other in silence for a few minutes.

"Shit, im sorry, Tommy" Adam broke the silence and tore his eyes away. Tommy just stood there, not knowing what to say, not knowing what to do. He felt so exposed, even fully clothed.   
"What do you remember?" Tommy asked cautiously, not sure if he wanted to hear the answer or not. Adam looked at him with a pained face.   
He read his mind "I don't think you want to know what i remember".

It was like Tommy had been hit in the back of the head, and his head flopped forward as Adam silently confirmed that more than just touching and kissing went on last night. His stomach did a somersault and he ran his hands down his arms - trying to shake off the feeling of Adam's arms that still seemed to be there.

Adam bit his lip. "i Uh…umm…i" Adam started, but the words just wouldn't come out "…sorry" he finished and walked quickly out the front door.   
Tommy stood staring for a while, before retreating back to his room - wondering how long he could just stay hiding under a duvet before anyone found him.


	14. Confusion In Comfort

Adam sat in Monte's house, his fingers drumming on the glass table. Monte sat across from him and handed him a steaming mug of coffee. "Thanks". Monte stared at Adam up and down.  
"Things got pretty crazy last night, i hear" Monte pryed. He hadnt been at the party, but Terrance and the crew had rung him this morning and filled him in on some of the craziness that went down. "So you and Tommy….spreading the love to outside of the show now are we?" he joked.   
Adam shot him a serious face. "Oh shit, Adam" and threw him a disapproving face.  
"I slept with him" Adam blurted out. Monte's mouth fell open in shock.

Adam couldn't think of anyone else to tell - usually Tommy was the one he spoke to, and if not Tommy, then Drake, but he wasn't around anymore. But he had to tell someone, it was eating away at him. "Fuck" cursed Monte, and Adam watched as Monte ran his hands down his own face, taking it in.  
"It just….it just happened" Adam tried to justify, but even to him it sounded lame. Monte scratched his head, trying to figure this whole thing out - not really that amused that Adam had dumped this on him first thing in the morning.   
"Wheres Tommy now?" Monte asked seriously. Adam put his coffee back on the table, not sure if it was the caffeine making him feel ill, the hangover or the situation.   
"Hes at home" was the reply, by home he meant the motel/apartment they had for this leg of the tour.   
"And he's taking it…?". Adam tried to look Monte in the eyes, but the guilt took over and his gaze travelled to the ground   
"He's freaking out and trying to work out what the hell happened". Monte raised an eyebrow   
"Well shouldn't you be around there working it out with him?" he questioned.

It seemed logical - thats what Monte did - honest and logical. He didn't do sympathy or the whole talk-you-through-it drill. Adam nodded, but he still wasn't sure what to say to Tommy. He quickly realized that Monte wasn't in the mood to help him.   
As Adam went to leave, Monte called after him "He's straight, Adam….Remember that".

Tommy searched his pockets. Nothing. He went to his backpack. Empty. Panick seemed to slowly seep into him, but he willed himself not to let it get to him. He went to Adam's room and knelt down on the ground, finding his jeans on the floor and fumbling round in the pockets. He didn't even hear Adam come in, and jumped when he saw Adam standing in the doorway watching him.

He ignored Adam and found his top and searched that too. Nothing. Adam watched as Tommy frantically scanned the floor.   
"What're you looking for?" he asked cautiously. Tommy was now patting the pockets of the jeans he was wearing again. Adam clicked.   
"There isn't any left" he commented. Tommy was still searching, his expression changing as his hands became erratic. Adam wasn't sure what to do…Tommy in withdrawal mode was a new thing - one that he wasn't really prepared for.

"Fuck!" cursed Tommy loudly. He tried patting all his pockets once again in case something magically turned up. Adam's only thought was to stop him before he got out of control. Without thinking, he knelt down beside Tommy and folded Tommy's arms into his sides, restraining him and pulling him to his feet. Tommy moved with him, standing up, but his hands still flailing.   
"There's none left" Adam repeated as calmly as he could.

All of a sudden, Tommy squirmed out of his grip and swung around throwing a wild punch, hitting Adam in the face. Adam swung around with the force, clasping his cheek in his hand, checking for blood. He looked up at Tommy with a shocked, pained expression. Tommy just stood there, frozen on the spot, his hands at his sides, not believing what he had just done.   
Adam wanted to swing a punch back, but as he straightened himself up, he watched as Tommy's whole body just began to shake uncontrollably. "Tommy you're shaking" Adam stated, moving his hand from his face and now looking at Tommy. Tommy's mouth was moving but no sound was coming out. He looked down at his hand with a shocked expression then back at Adam.   
The pain from the punch seemed to disappear as Adam became consumed in helping Tommy. He placed his hands on Tommy's shaking shoulders, attempting to calm him. Then slowly enveloped Tommy in a hug, pulling him close.   
"Tommy, its ok. We'll get through this" he whispered reassuringly. He planted a small kiss on Tommy's head - not thinking of anything but to comfort him.

After standing there for a few minutes, the shaking began to seize, and as Tommy began to wake up from the panic, he buried his head in Adam's shoulder and gripped Adam's back - not wanting the warmth and the comfort to go away.


	15. That Someone

Adam watched Tommy, sitting on the couch. Tommy sat on the sofa, wrapped in a blanket, holding a mug of steaming coffee to his lips.  
"You ok?" Adam asked cautiously after a little while. Tommy nodded slowly. He had finally stopped shaking, but he still felt cold, even as the hot coffee ran down his throat. He tried to avoid Adam's concerned gaze on him, hoping that if he didn't recognize it, the questions wouldn't be asked and Adam would look away. It didn't happen.

Adam tilted his head to the side "I don't know what to do" he sighed honestly. Tommy looked down at the floor, the carpet was fast becoming his favorite thing to look at these days.   
"You don't have to do anything….you cant do anything" was Tommy's quiet reply. His voice didn't even seem familiar as it escaped his own mouth. He looked over at Adam, frowning as he saw the red mark on Adam's face where his fist had crashed into him an hour or so before.   
"I want to help" was all Adam could say, it really wasn't as bad as it looked and in the commotion of the previous events, he had almost forgotten about the punch.

Adam moved now to sit on the sofa beside Tommy, curling his legs under him and resting his head on his hand. Tommy shuffled uncomfortably under the blanket, his mug now empty but he still sipped at it, hopeful that more would appear.   
"This is my fault" stated Adam, and he pulled a loose thread out of the blanket. Tommy shifted again nervously. "It was my stupid tour that got you into this mess. I should've been looking out for you, but i was too wrapped up in my own shit. Then your dad…" he saw Tommy flinch slightly at the mention. Adam paused. "You didn't go…. did you?" he asked. Tommy looked down at the familiar carpet again and he shook his head. "…and then it was my idea to go to the party and i kept the drinks coming and i lost control and took advantage. I put you in a situation that you weren't comfortable with. I should've stopped myself. I shouldn't have gone there…" anger crept into Adam's voice. He wanted to take everything back - go back to the days when they would all be hanging out on stage having a good time. When a 'massive' tour only meant 20 shows around America. When Tommy was healthy and their friendship rich.   
"Then why did you?" asked Tommy quietly. Adam opened his mouth to speak but closed it again, not really expecting the question. He wasn't sure what to answer and he looked around the room, hoping something would jump out and shout it for him.   
"Why'd you break up with Drake?" Tommy asked suddenly, his eyes still not meeting Adam's. Adam bit his lip and he wondered if Tommy had caught on. Tommy turned to look at him then, raising an eyebrow expecting an answer.   
"He just wasn't the one" Adam picked his words carefully. But Tommy was still staring at him, wanting to hear the real story.

Adam watched as Tommy's eyes bore into his, his lips sitting perfectly in his face, and even after his ordeal - he still looked perfect.   
"I…I wasn't in love with him anymore" every sentence seemed like an effort - like fitting puzzle pieces together when someone had removed the corners from the set. Tommy sat still watching him. He looked extra slim in his black t-shirt and dark jeans. Adam took in the shaved side of Tommy's head - the hair growing longer and in need of a haircut.   
"Truth for truth" Tommy stated. Adam looked confused, still trying to fit words together in his head. "I didn't go to Dad's funeral because i knew i wouldn't be able to deal with it. All the relatives, Mom…everyone there asking questions. I didn't want to face that. So i just avoided the whole thing. Because i cant go breaking mirrors, cutting my hand or crumpling into a heap when everyone else is unstable too. It was better for everyone if i just stayed away." Tommy finished. Adam looked at him with sad eyes. "Now its your turn" Tommy stated, and his eyes fixed on Adam, pointedly. Adam drew circles with his finger on the hem of the blanket, careful not to touch Tommy through the fabric.  
"I broke up with Drake because i was in love with someone else…" he breathed. He felt Tommy grip the blanket and pull it around him tighter. He'd said it now. It was out there. He was admitting out loud to himself what he already knew was true. And slowly, he tore his eyes away from the blanket. He closed his eyes as he looked up, and slowly opened them, setting them on Tommy. The big brown eyes he loved so much were staring back at him. He tried to read Tommy's expression. Scared, vulnerable and confused….but even to Adam it was clear that as he admitted it to himself and put it out in the open….Tommy knew exactly who the someone else was.


	16. Hiding The Truth

"Where are you, man?" asked Adam, his mind first panicking, but calming himself down.  
"Im….im in rehab" came the small voice on the other end of the phone. Adam had to tell himself to close his mouth as it dropped open   
"What happened?" he asked quickly.   
"I Uhh…i checked myself in. I wanna sort my shit out before i go back home for christmas". Tommy sounded relaxed on the end of the phone, but there was a slight hint of nervousness under his breath.   
"Do you need anything? I can bring you something if you need it…I can come visit…" started Adam - not really sure how to take the news. He was happy that Tommy was getting help, but they hadnt spoken much over the last day after their conversation and he knew that with Tommy in rehab now, he couldn't just simply go home at the end of the day and sort things out.   
"I don't need anything…everythings fine. They're all really good here, its decked out real nice. Theres a pool…and a garden" continued Tommy. He heard Adam laugh slightly on the end of the phone.   
"A garden?" Adam repeated, "since when are you into gardens?" he teased.   
Tommy smiled into the phone "I dunno…theres some cool birds" and then he laughed too, realizing how ridiculous it sounded.   
"Haha ok then, birdman. I'll come visit a little later on. I got interviews and whatnot to do today but i'll make sure i call in" came Adam's reply.   
Tommy could hear the smile in his voice. "ok…but you dont have too".   
"i'll see you later" Adam interrupted and Tommy heard the phone beep as Adam put the phone down.

Tommy looked out over the gardens, admiring the peace and quiet, the smell of the freshly mowed lawns that stretched for miles and the way that the leaves of the trees danced in the wind. It was like being in a different world - after living in the city for years. He sat in a cane chair on a verandah, still holding his cellphone in his hand. He'd checked himself in for two reasons.  
#1 - he felt he owed it to his Dad. He hadnt gone to the funeral, but felt that he could pay his respects by getting himself clean. He liked to think that his Dad would be proud of him making such a bold choice.   
#2 Things were strange at home. Tommy knew that HE was the someone else that had caused Adam to call it quits with Drake. To be honest, it hadnt shocked him. Adam was always quite touchy onstage - it was part of the act, but lately the feverish kisses and onstage acts of 'getting the crowd pumped' as Adam would put it, had gotten a little bit more risque. Tommy knew how Adam looked at him. The searching look he would give him, and how his eyes would always travel up and down Tommy's body, as if exploring him. And right now, he didn't know how he felt about that. Adam was a loving person - it was just who he was. When Tommy was down and out, it was Adam who had been with him - Adam who had taken him to the hospital or held him when he just needed to be held. Before the drugs, it was Adam who Tommy would ring in the middle of the night to talk about some girl who had stood him up at a bar. And Tommy was grateful that he had such a great friend - but he just wasn't sure if the 'more than a friend' card was something he could handle. Tommy was straight after all. He liked girls - he'd always been with girls. But overtime he closed his eyes, it was Adam's hands who he could feel on his body and it was Adam's lips pressing against his own. Tommy couldn't help but feel safe and comforted when he was around him….but that didn't mean he loved him….did it?

Tommy shook his head. "You're a drug addict" he told himself out loud….and thats what he put it down to. The drugs messing with his mind and his emotions…. Which bought him to his third reason for checking in - to clear his head and try to shake the thoughts of Adam that always seemed to be invading his mind away. But as he placed his phone on his lap, he realized that it was one thing to get Adam out of his mind…but another to stop Adam from thinking about him.


	17. Alone

Adam put his bags down on the table and sat himself across from Tommy. He removed his sunglasses before drawing a box of chocolates out "i got you these" and he passed the box to Tommy. Tommy ran his fingers over the box, smiling  
"you didn't need to get me anything" was his reply. Adam shrugged and ran his fingers through his black hair. He was tired after a long day of interviews and press conferences. He watched as Tommy curled his legs up in his seat, folding them under him - even surprising himself at the lack of space he could fill if he tried hard enough.

"How long you in here for?" Adam asked. He looked out at the sweeping lawns, like Tommy, this wasn't familiar to him. Tommy shrugged   
"As long as it takes…I wanted to uh thank you for helping me out the last couple of months - you know, giving me time off…just being there".   
Adam looked taken aback "You don't have to thank me, Tommy. Its what friends do". Tommy smiled but shook his head  
"Yeah i do. You've been real good to me and I've totally just taken it for granted. Now that i'm in here you don't have to worry anymore, you don't have to ring me every half hour to check that im still breathing. You're off the hook!" and Tommy laughed "No more punches to the face, either" he added.   
Adam smiled back, but he was confused. It sounded like Tommy was trying to cut him off - he was making it sound like he had been a burden and now he was setting Adam free. But Adam didn't want to be free…  
"It hasnt been like that" Adam told him. He really didn't know what he wanted to say - but that hadn't been it.

A ringtone broke the silence, and Adam patted at all his pockets before drawing out his blackberry "Sorry, tommy, i gotta take this" and he went to sit up, answering the phone as he walked away.

Tommy watched after him and watched Adam's expressions as he spoke on the phone. The way his face creased as he laughed, and the way he kept looking back through the screen door at Tommy, mouthing "im sorry". He knew that that meant Adam had been called somewhere and had to go. But he understood that Adam was busy. As Adam hung up the phone, he slid the screen door open again   
"I have to go…im really sorry. I'll call you?" he really did look apologetic as he got his things together, walking as he spoke.   
"Its fine" smiled Tommy, and Adam was gone.

As Tommy sat out on the verandah he watched as Adam walked out over the sweeping fields - the only one out there at this time of night. The glitter from his jacket shone in the last glints of sun as he picked up his phone, dialed a number and put the phone to his ear once again. Tommy watched until the trees blocked his vision…   
And then Tommy was alone in the cane chair - hearing the birds around him, and realizing that for a while now, this was how it was going to be.


	18. Mistletoe temptations

It was the beginning of December and Adam waited in the centre of the mall, hoping nobody would notice him. He smiled when he saw Tommy walking towards him and in his excitement, pulled him into a hug as he got closer "Hey!" and Adam couldn't wipe the smile off his face.   
He hadnt seen Tommy in a little over a month now - Adam had been touring and Tommy had been in the rehab facility getting better.

Adam smiled as he stepped back and looked at Tommy. He looked healthier than he had in months - his hair cleanly shaven underneath and his fringe freshly cut in a jagged way, so it still fell over his face. He was wearing a black hoody and grey jeans with a slight acid wash appearance to them. He had purposefully put the effort into putting just a little bit of lipgloss and black eye shadow on today - not in the extreme way he usually did for the glamnation tours - but enough to still make his brown eyes pop and give his lips a little bit of a shine. 'Stunning' was the only word Adam could think of to describe him, but he didn't say it out loud.

For the last month he had been busy trying to convince himself to get over Tommy, and after not seeing him for so long, he thought he had just about got there. But when Tommy appeared out of the crowd of people and walked towards him, all the feelings came back, and Adam wasn't doing a very good job at containing his excitement. "Its busy" stated Tommy, looking around the mall. Christmas tunes played on the muffled speakers and everywhere you turned there was tinsel and christmas trees in shop windows. He wished that he hadnt left his Christmas shopping this late, but Adam had suggested it, and they had both decided it would be a good way to catch up and get their shopping done at once.

They walked into one store and Tommy watched as Adam excitedly grabbed a Santa hat with flashing lights and bells and placed it on Tommy's head. Tommy laughed under the weight of it and watched as Adam drew out his phone and snapped a photo.   
"That doesn't leave your phone" warned Tommy. Adam put his phone back in his pocket, double-checking that it was indeed on silent.   
"We have to buy it! It suits you so well" he told Tommy excitedly, already searching the shelves for another and walking up to the counter with it.   
"If i have to wear one, then you do too!" shouted Tommy after him, and he picked up a green elf hat complete with pointy ears and tossed it at Adam. Adam laughed as he placed both hats on the counter and drew out his card to pay for both.

As they walked out the shop, Adam stood in front of Tommy and carefully placed the santa hat on Tommy's head - smiling as Tommy cringed as he pulled it over his ears "ohhh its a pretty christmas kitty" laughed Adam, straightening the hat with his hands and then pulling a little bit of Tommy's fringe lightly so that it was visible under the hat.   
"You have to wear yours too….im not just ganna walk around looking like a dick for nothing" and Tommy grabbed the other hat from Adam's hands and pulled it roughly on Adam's hair - making sure that he roughed up the carefully spiked dark hair of Adam's beforehand. Adam gave him a 'you-did-not-just-touch-the-hair' look before laughing at how ridiculous they both looked.   
"Well thats us in the spirit" Tommy smiled, pulling his own phone out now to take a picture of Adam so that they were even if Adam ever decided to post the picture of him anywhere.

After going through a few more shops, Adam already had about 6 bags full of presents - he was such a sucker for shopping. Tommy looked down at his own two bags trying to work out how Adam had bought so much in the short space of time.   
"Shall we get something to eat?" suggested Adam, his elf hat swaying with his every move. Tommy couldn't help but smile at it as he nodded.

As they searched around the food court for a seat a voice called out "Tommy!…ohmygod is that you!" Adam turned around to see an excited woman rushing over with rosy cheeks and a huge smile on her face. Mia pulled Tommy into a hug, grabbing his hands for a minute to take him in "You're looking great!" she almost shouted grinning like a cheshire cat.   
Adam sat down in a chair, placing his bags on the floor watching them as the two friends caught up. As Mia spoke, her laugh seemed to get higher and more continuous as she playfully patted Tommy on the shoulder and Tommy laughed back at some joke between them that Adam wasn't aware of. "Aww and Adam how are you?" she turned to look at him, and Adam smiled sweetly.   
He knew Mia from a few times they had met, but not very well "im great, and yourself?" he replied.   
Her face seemed to erupt into an even bigger smile, something that Adam thought was impossible "I'm fantastic!" she turned back to Tommy "Oh well you take care of yourself, honey, and give me a call and we'll have to catch up sometime!" Tommy smiled, turning his head slightly as Mia planted a kiss on his cheek.

Adam gripped his knee under the table - suddenly tense. He couldn't help it - he was jealous. He watched as Tommy laughed as Mia told him a story that was apparently incredibly funny if you were in on it - but Adam wasn't. Tommy then pulled the larger girl into another hug, before she walked away. "Bye Adam!" she called, and Adam managed a small wave and what he hoped was a friendly smile.   
Part of him wanted to get up and just say 'he's mine' and tell her to back off, but he was much too polite to do it. Tommy was still smiling as he sat down across from Adam, his eyes scanning the various food places that the food court offered   
"ohhh haven't had burger king in ages!" he stated and he licked his lips at the thought of a juicy burger. Adam watched as Tommy's tongue slid over those glossy lips of his, and quickly pulled his eyes away, trying to focus on the choices around him   
"im meant to be watching my weight…but burger king sounds good" he said quickly.   
Tommy snorted slightly "You're not fat" he stated, smiling.   
Adam looked back at him now, "Im tryna be a rockstar and you're tempting me with all these unhealthy choices…god tommy!" he smiled, jokingly and Tommy smiled back… completely unaware that the 'tempting' that Adam was talking about was completely unrelated to food.


	19. Against The Wall

Tommy & Adam laughed as they left the club. Adam's arm was slung over Tommy's shoulder - who was unsteady but laughing along. As they walked out into the parking lot, Tommy stumbled on some loose stones. He caught himself and cracked up, bending over as he did so.  
Three shadows suddenly emerged out of the darkness, coming towards them. They were all big guys - shaven heads under dark hoods. Their clothes black and tattoos visible on their arms.   
"Come into our neighborhood and bring that kind of shit to town" one of them stated, he was standing right in front of Adam now. He reached out his hands and shoved Adam, who took a step back with the force.   
"Fuckin faggot" yelled another.

The man was touching Adam now, his face and body so close that Adam couldn't move. Adam's arm was still wrapped around Tommy's shoulder, but he slowly removed it, keeping his eyes on the man in front.   
"Whats your problem?" asked Adam angrily. He was backed up against a wall now, the man in front blocking his path, and the other two guys moving to the sides. He had nowhere to go.   
Tommy was standing at his side, looking wide-eyed at the men around them.   
"Tommy, go inside" ordered Adam, his voice firm. Tommy looked at Adam, but he was frozen to the spot. One of the men laughed   
"HAHA! look he's trying to save his little boyfriend…Tommy is it?" asked one of the men, he walked over to Tommy and grabbed Tommy by the hair, pulling his head back and looking into his eyes menacingly "You're not going anywhere, prettyboy".

Tommy was afraid now - he looked over to Adam, his eyes searching. Adam looked back at him, trying to look calm, but inside having a panic attack. These guys were bigger than both of them and they were outnumbered. The guy holding Tommy drew a pocket knife from his pocket. He smiled at the way it shone in the dim single light of the parking lot. He eyed up the blade before holding it to Tommy's throat. Tommy whimpered as he saw the blade inches away from his skin.   
"Don't fuckin' touch him!" shouted Adam, panicked. The guy in front of Adam laughed before drawing his hand back and punching Adam in the face. Adam's head flung back with the impact, hitting the brick wall behind him. He sucked in the pain, willing himself not to take notice of the throbbing.

He went to run towards Tommy, but the guy in front held him to the wall "Don't even think about it" the man warned. Tommy's head was tilted back, the blade getting closer to his skin now, he squirmed slightly, but the stronger man's hands pulling his hair stopped him. He didn't know what to do. His eyes looked around, searching for something…anything.   
"RUN!" shouted Adam, and a force seemed to take over his body as he wildly threw punches at the man in front. The other man on the side came over to hold him back, and the one holding Tommy loosened his grip to help. Adam felt a sharp pain in his back as one of the men slammed him into the brick wall. A closed fist hit him in the other side of the head.   
"Get out of here Tommy!" Adam almost screamed. Tommy looked at Adam wide-eyed and helpless but in panick he began to sprint. He sprinted back into the club, desperate to find someone who would help.

Adam could make out the features of the three guys now. One had a black goatee, his hair swept back in cornbraids held together with some kind of beads on the ends. The guy who had been holding Tommy had a tattoo on his face, Adam couldn't make out what it was - but some kind of spiral, dark & interwoven design that curled up around his eye and down to his jawline. The third guy was the biggest out of the three - bald under his black hood with a pierced eyebrow. Adam stared at them all, dazed from the punches and his legs wanting to give out from the pain in his back.

The man with the goatee stood in front of him now, the biggest guy holding Adam's shoulder making sure he couldn't move, and the guy with the tattoo standing slightly to the side in case Adam tried to get out of their grip.   
"So you like boys?" the guy with the goatee asked him, mockingly. Adam stayed tight lipped. He didn't want to make things worse for himself.   
"Speak up!" ordered the biggest guy, grabbing one of Adam's arms and twisting it around his back so that Adam's arm was jammed between his own back and the brick wall behind him. The pain was immense, and Adam grimaced, trying to wriggle his fingers to convince himself that the arm wasn't broken.   
"Dave, come over here" the guy with the goatee ordered. The tattooed man did as he was told, and held Adam's other shoulder against the wall. Adam was trapped.   
The man with the goatee slapped his hand hard on Adam's thigh and began slowly moving it upwards   
"You like that then?….Does that get you off, prettyboy?" the man hissed into Adam's ear. Adam tried to move his arm to slap the hand away, but the force of the other man's arm holding it back was too much.   
"Piss off!" shouted Adam in anger and desperation, shifting one of his knees in an effort to kick the other man, but they were all standing too close to him to even get his leg out.

The man's hand was creeping into unwanted territory now and his dark eyes bore into Adam's waiting for a reaction of some sort.   
"Just like that?" the man hissed wickedly into Adam's ear. His face was so close, Adam could smell marijuana on his breath. He tried to move his head away.   
With one last squirm of strength, Adam lifted his left leg and kicked the man in front as hard as he could. There wasn't much force in it, because he couldn't move his leg back very far because of the wall. The man grabbed his own leg in pain, before his evil eyes turned back to Adam and he drew another fist back, this time hitting Adam in the mouth.

Adam tasted blood immediately, and coughed as the coppery taste filled his mouth. There was another fist to his stomach, and a kick to his leg - and he felt himself sliding down the wall and falling onto the ground. His vision became blurred as he watched the scuffle of feet and fists pound into him.   
A shot to his arm, kicks to his legs, another to his chest. The bigger guy grabbed his hair, and slammed his head into the wall behind him.

Adam was dazed, bordering unconsciousness. He watched as the three men drew back, finally satisfied with the damage they had done. One man drew a lighter and a cigarette out of his pocket, lit it and put it in his mouth.   
Adam heard the cackle of laughter as they walked away.   
"Something to remember us by" he heard one of the men say, but he couldn't register which mouth it had come from. He saw the blurred image of one of the men bend down and he heard the flick of the lighter.

Adam couldn't see the cable that the man was bending down to light on the other side of the parking lot. As the men walked away laughing, there was a bang and Adam could make out sparks in the distance, but the details of his vision were almost completely gone now as the pain in his head began to seep through. He could make out the colours of yellow and orange….as the flames travelled down the cable, under the door and set the storeroom behind him in a blaze.


	20. Through The Flames

Tommy ran inside in a panic. The music was loud, there had to be over a hundred people jumping around. Tommy searched for someone…anyone he knew. Or anyone that looked half sober that could help.

He noticed one of the bouncers standing by one of the doors and rushed over to him, stopping to catch his breath as he pushed past everyone on the dancefloor and finally made it to the door.  
"Help….my friend is outside and theres these three guys…and they have a knife…and…." the reality of it all began to sink in as Tommy said the words.  
"Where?" asked the big guy at the door, and Tommy ushered the man to follow him.   
"Parking lot" he breathed as he pushed through the crowd of people once again. The two men rushed out of the main club clearing and out into the back.

They went down a long corridor before Tommy pulled open a door that led to the back exit. As he pulled it open, he was greeted by thick clouds of smoke. He inhaled a breath into his lungs and coughed and spluttered, pulling his sweatshirt up over his mouth.  
"Fuck!" uttered the man behind him, and he clumsily fumbled around on the wall, smashing the glass of a fire alarm and the shrill sound filled the building. The big man was reluctant when Tommy kept moving through the thick smoke.   
"We cant go that way" he told Tommy, grabbing Tommy's shoulder and pulling him back "Theres too much smoke!" Tommy was panicked - half because he couldn't breathe properly and half because where all the smoke was coming from was where he had left Adam.   
"I have to help him!" shouted Tommy, coughing on the last word.   
"We'll find another way" the bouncer told him, and Tommy felt a big hand on his shoulder pulling him back the way they had came.

As they joined the crowd of drunken people moving towards the front exit, Tommy's mind spun into overdrive. What if it was Adam that was on fire? What if he was lying out there, noone to help him as the flames enveloped his lifeless body? What if noone was with him? Tommy could feel tears pricking at his eyes even just thinking about it, and he tried to push past all the other panicked people in the crowd, all covering their ears to try and tone out the continous ringing of the fire alarm. Tommy fell onto the cold concrete, landing on his knees with the force of the crowd pushing behind him. He picked himself up quickly, feeling the cool breeze of the outside air on his face. He scrambled up and away from the crowd - not bothering to look behind him to see if the bouncer guy was following him or not. He'd never run so fast in his life! He sprinted around the back, coming to a fence with a gate - one of those automatic ones that you needed a card or a ticket to open from the other side. After fumbling with the catch for a while, without thinking Tommy put his foot in one of the wire holes and pushed himself up, climbing quickly, hoping that every time he moved his foot, he would be able to find another hold. When he got to the top, he jumped, landing hard on the ground and twisting his ankle with the force of groundshock. He grabbed at his foot on instinct, tilting it slightly trying to will the pain away. He put all his weight on his other foot and attempted to stand up, but fell down almost immediately. As he looked up, he could see wild flames engulfing the building now - flickering their way upwards and thick billowing smoke blanketed the parking lot - meaning that he couldn't see anything. He willed himself up, hopping a few times before breaking into a quick but heavy limp.

"Adam!" he shouted "Adam!" but all he could hear was the roar of the flames. He coughed as he walked through the thick smoke. The heat of the flames as he got closer to the building made him feel light headed. "Adam!" he almost screamed but the smoke filling his lungs once again made it much more quieter than it needed to be. He searched the parking lot, trying to get his bearings of where they had been before - but the black smoke made it almost impossible. And then he saw him. Crumpled in a heap, barely visible through the smoke and only inches away from the flames that swallowed the building.

"Fuck!" cursed Tommy and he rushed over to Adam. He was unconscious, his head down, his head and mouth bleeding, bruises all over his face and black from the smoke. The heat was unbearable! It took all of Tommy's strength to lift Adam off the ground, collapsing under the dead weight at least twice and having to pause a few times as the flames grew closer and the smoke grew thicker.  
"I'll get you out of here, Adam" Tommy tried to say, but the words got lost in the roaring of the flames. He realized he couldn't lift Adam so instead placed his arms under Adam's and dragged his friend away. He was worried that he was hurting him by doing so, but he needed to get them away from the building. There was a crash as the windows gave out to the flames and smashed in the exact spot where Adam had been right before Tommy had moved him. Tommy looked on in horror, his own face black now from the smoke and sweat beads on his forehead. He pulled Adam, his ankle aching as he walked backwards.   
"HELP!" yelled Tommy in a last effort. He couldn't take the heat or the pain for much longer and Adam was a lot stockier than Tommy. And then as if by miracle, a shadow appeared and the bouncer from inside the club was beside Tommy helping him drag Adam along the ground. When they were a good distance away from the building, and the smoke was beginning to clear, Tommy's ankle gave out and he fell backwards. He dropped Adam with him and sat on the ground, trying to support Adam's head on his lap. He hadnt checked if Adam was breathing - and part of him didn't want to in case he wasn't.   
"I'm Phil" the big man told Tommy, lifting Adam's body up from his lap and hoisting him over his shoulder.   
"Tommy" came Tommy's smoke filled reply. Phil helped Tommy to his feet, and supported his weight on his shoulder as Tommy hopped alongside them. When they were clear of the building and out of the parking lot, Phil carefully laid Adam down on the sidewalk, sitting down on the ground beside him and examining the man that laid in front of him.

"Fuck, hes beaten up pretty bad" Phil stated. Tommy looked on concerned & terrified. He watched as Phil leaned over Adam, putting his ear to Adam's mouth checking for life. Phil pulled his head away and pulled out his cellphone and dialed a number,   
"Yea ambulance. I got a man down at Minx - theres been a fire. Um mid 20s maybe, he's pretty beaten up…burns. Need help ASAP….he's not breathing."


	21. Blurred Memories

Tommy sat in the hospital waiting room. It was 4am and the whole hospital was pretty quiet apart from the odd nurse finishing her shift, or a trolley of supplies being wheeled into a room. He tapped his foot nervously, looking around the room. Worry was the only thing keeping him awake - it had been two hours since he'd left Adam and there was still no news.

He flipped open his cellphone, and stared at the screen. He thought of ringing someone…but he wasn't sure what to tell them so he clicked the phone shut again. His mind was numb, he couldn't think properly or logically. He was just sitting there in a mindless state, replaying the nights events in his mind. "Fuckin faggot" the words replayed in his head. He could still see Adam pinned against the wall, surrounded by the three guys. He could still see the blade at his throat. Feel the fear and the feeling of helplessness. He remembered Adam yelling trying to protect Tommy, even though it was Adam who was in the most trouble - how he had sacrificed himself so that Tommy could run free. Then Tommy remembered the smoke, the flames and that horrifying image of Adam slumped against the wall, his face covered in blood as the heat roared around them. Then that final image of Adam lying on the cold concrete - pale, lifeless.

Tommy swore that his own heart had stopped beating the minute the words 'not breathing' were uttered, and as he looked around the hospital now, he began to imagine life without Adam. There would be no tour, no show, because Adam was the show. He wouldn't see that smile light up the room again, or hear that high pitched laugh that would fill even the biggest room. The glitter that lay backstage that Adam would playfully flick over Tommy's outfit before a show would slowly seep into the floor and disappear, and the fun and the entertainment would fade into sweet memories. Tommy closed his eyes in the seat, leaning back - and he remembered all the good times. All those fever kisses onstage when they had been restless and partied with the act a little more than necessary, Adam fistpumping in the middle of the club - oblivious in the environment that he was the famous Adam Lambert and that if the media caught a video of him they would never stop mocking him. Tommy remembered makeup shopping with Adam at a MAC store and how Adam had helped himself to the counter and experimented with different shades of eyeshadow instead of waiting for the counter lady to come over and help "I'm a busy man" Adam had told Tommy as he had grabbed a brush and began rubbing it in a sparkly colour before applying it to his eye. Tommy remembered smiling and blushing with embarrassment as he watched. As all the memories of friendship, fun and good times came flooding into Tommy's mind, one other memory appeared. They were laughing and stumbling as they had opened the front door. Adam had dropped his coat dramatically on the floor and turned to Tommy, pushing Tommy lightly into the wall of the hallway, putting his hands on either side of Tommy's head. As Adam's lips had crashed into Tommy's, Tommy remembered falling apart at the seams, letting his own hands wander up Adam's body - fiddling with the buttons of his shirt. Adam had moved his hands down and enveloped his hands around Tommy's head, pulling the blonde into his lips more with each kiss   
"My room" he had whispered, breaking their lips apart for only a second to utter the words. And Tommy remembered giggling like a little kid and nodding as Adam had grabbed his hand and pulled him into his bedroom. He remembered the urgent need to feel skin on skin, and how clothes had been pulled away and discarded. He'd been pushed playfully onto the bed and he had smiled as Adam had crawled up beside him, kissing his neck and letting his hands wander…..

Tommy opened his eyes, coming back to the reality of sitting in the waiting room. His eyes wide as he came to a realization. He remembered it now. He had not stopped Adam, because he was just as into it as Adam had been….he had felt the same passion and urgency. The drugs hadnt been to blame, although all this time he had been telling himself they had. Tommy stared at a magazine lying in front of him, its pages lying open and Tommy's eye caught the word "love" in bold lettering above an article. As he repeated the word in his mind he knew that that was the only way to describe the way he felt about Adam. He felt a tear bubble in his left eye and sat still, staring at the magazine as it rolled down his face and splashed onto his lap. In all the time it had taken him to realize….maybe now it was too late.


	22. Whispered Apologies

Tommy felt a hand on his shoulder and woke up with a fright. He must of dozed off. A smiling nurse looked back at him "Sorry" she apologized before sitting down beside him. She stared down at her clipboard, tapping it with her pen. "You're Adam's friend, yes?" she asked, scrolling the tip of her pen down the page. Tommy nodded. Nervous knowing that now was the moment he was going to get the news.   
"Adam suffered injuries to his head, arm, ribs & he lost a lot of blood…." Tommy was wide eyed as the nurse read from her list. "He has slipped into a coma, but we are confident that he will wake up in the next couple of days".

Coma. The word rang through Tommy's ears and he didn't know how to react. Coma meant alive which meant he still had Adam on this earth with him…but coma also meant he wasn't awake, and Tommy knew there was always the possibility that people didn't wake up from them. He wanted to ask questions, but as he opened his mouth they all seemed to disappear and only silence came out as his lips moved.   
"You can go and see him if you want….i can take you" offered the nurse. Tommy just nodded silently and followed the nurse out of the waiting room and down a corridor.

There were small rectangular windows on each door of each ward and Tommy peered into each one as he walked past, part of him hoping that he would see Adam sitting up smiling through one of them, and that the nurse would have to apologise for the mistake she had made - and that Adam was really fine. As he listened to the nurse's footsteps in front of him, Tommy looked down at his own feet - still feeling the slight ache in his ankle - a reminder that this was all real and not a dream that he was due to wake up from. As they turned a corner, the nurse stopped at a door, she paused slightly and turned to Tommy as if preparing him "This is it" she stated, before pushing the door open.

Tommy was instantly greeted by numerous beeping noises and the sound of oxygen pumping away in a machine. His eyes went first to the flashing light above the single bed in the room that monitored Adam's heartbeat. He then followed the tubes down, as they twisted and coiled around other machines….finally connecting to a pale hand with black fingernails. As if in slow motion, Tommy seemed to take it all in, one detail at a time. The pale hand, the tubes, the white linen, the slow rise and fall of the sheets with every slow breath. He willed himself to look at Adam's face - but the man lying there was almost unrecognizable. The doctors had cleaned away the blood that Tommy had seen when he had found Adam. There was fine stitching above his eye and sterile strips holding together another cut on Adam's cheek. His lips were pale and dry, bruised and swollen with a cut on the top one. Then there were his eyes, closed and peaceful - a faint trace of eyeliner still lingering there, but most of it had been removed along with the blood. His hair looked damp and lifeless, stuck together in clumps where there were still traces of blood through it. But as Tommy took in all of the room and the man lying in front of it, he knew that it was Adam. That this was all real.

He stood there in shock, trying to digest the image before moving slowly to the seat beside the bed and sitting there awkwardly. At first when he sat down he tried to look anywhere but at the man lying in the bed. He let his eyes dart around the room, take in the pattern on the curtains, stare briefly out the window that looked out above the city. But eventually he allowed them to fall back on Adam. Not sure what to do, his eyes then landed on Adam's other hand and on the thick colored ink of Adam's eye of horus tattoo on his wrist. Tommy carefully reached out his own hand and traced the black outlines with his finger. He looked up at Adam's closed eyes and then back to the eye staring back at him.   
"For protection" Tommy remembered Adam telling him shortly after he had got the ink. Then he had given Tommy a cheeky smile and drew his hand away. That smile wasn't coming today. Tommy let his fingers weave into Adam's as he grasped his hand, resting it on the white linen. With their hands locked together, Tommy hung his head, bowing it so that it touched their interwoven hands.   
"Im sorry" Tommy whispered as he let the tears fall into the white sheets….planting a soft kiss on Adam's cold hand.


	23. One Silent Line

Monte, Terrance, Sasha & Neil all seemed to show up at the same time. Tommy could barely remember making the phone call to Monte and when he felt everyone pull him into a hug in the waiting room, he didn't want the warmth and comfort to leave. Everyone then pulled away and stared at Tommy with concern and almost an expectancy for him to fill them in.   
Neil went straight to reception and went off to see Adam, while everyone else sat down with Tommy, their hands on his back.

"You ok?" asked Terrance, his hand on Tommy's, staring into his eyes. Tommy nodded silently.  
"Its not me who y'all need to be worrying about" he replied, suddenly not liking all of the attention when all he wanted to do was go and hide away - rewind to the previous night, go out a different door and leave out this whole mess. He didn't want to tell the story. He didn't want to go back and replay the events that were already swimming in his mind. Sasha pulled him into another hug.   
"I should've stayed with him…i just ran and tried to get help and i took too long. I should've just stayed there and helped him" Tommy mumbled into Sasha's shoulder. Sasha pulled him away now, her hands on his shoulders and her eyes bearing into his   
"Don't blame yourself for this" she stated firmly, giving Tommy a little shake as she did so. But Tommy just looked away. Sasha looked down at Terrance, biting her lip not knowing what to do.   
"Come on, we'll go get a coffee or something" piped up Monte, wrapping his own arm around Tommy and leading him towards the cafe. Tommy, as if in a dream, followed.

Neil stood in the room with Adam now, his fingers pressed to his mouth as he observed the damage. He paced the room, the beeping of the machines beginning to piss him off.   
"Fuck, Adam" he cursed quietly. It was strange seeing his brother lying there, motionless. Neil's memory flicked back to when he was a kid after he'd broken his leg after falling off a rope swing that he had tried to make. He remembered lying in the hospital- annoyed that he'd spent all day doing something that had ultimately failed. Adam had walked in carrying a big box of chocolates and the geekiest smile on his face. He'd come and sat beside the bed and opened the chocolates and the two had just sit there talking then Adam had leaned over and whispered  
"I told you you should've let ME make it". At the time, Neil remembered feeling pissed off, but he had smiled all the same. Thats what Adam did, all through his life, even on the shittiest of days Adam could come up with a single one liner that could make a whole room smile. He had a way of mocking people as well as himself, but still making everyone laugh. Now it was Neil's turn to come up with that funny one liner to make it all ok. But as he looked over at his brother under the white sheets - he wasn't sure if there was anything he COULD say.

Neil was jerked back to reality when he heard the door swing open and Terrance and Sasha crept in, both shooting glances at Adam before their mouths would drop open in shock. Neil watched as Terrance pulled Sasha into a hug as she broke down, the reality of it all hitting her at once. Then all of them stood there in silence. Slowly their eyes all landed on Adam. They had never needed one of his one-liners more in their lives.


	24. Unheard Words

Monte observed Tommy as he stirred his coffee. There were bags under his eyes from a lack of sleep and his eyes seemed unfocused - the usual spark in them gone. His expression was sad and somewhat tortured - as if Tommy was fighting himself inside.   
"How was rehab?" Monte asked casually, wanting to get the topic away from Adam for a while. Tommy looked up at him  
"It was good" he stated simply, "Got me clean". Monte nodded, knowing that Tommy was probably thinking about how badly he could use something right now, and that by bringing it up, Monte had probably opened a brand new can of worms.   
"They held a knife to my neck" Tommy then stated, his eyes down. Monte realized they weren't talking about rehab anymore, and he put his own coffee down. "They were holding it and Adam was yelling…..They had him against the wall….He fought them to free me and told me to run….So i ran….I left him there". Monte sat listening, half in shock of what he was hearing. "And as i ran, as i closed that door….i heard them. I could hear them hurting him….and i just…i just kept running". Tommy's eyes were focused on a scratch on the table surface, his eyes wide as he recalled the past events.   
"You had to get help, Tommy. You did the right thing" Monte told him. He watched as a tear fell down Tommy's face, racing its way down his cheek and then dropping onto the table.   
"He saved me…and i had the chance, but i didn't save him….i just left him all alone." Tommy croaked. Monte moved to Tommy's side of the table, he stood there for a minute before pulling Tommy into what must have been the most awkward hug of his life.

Tommy hesitated, standing at the door, before pushing it open. He did his usual pause as he saw Adam. The shock never seized to feel as real as it had the first time. He made his way over to the now familiar chair and sat down.   
"I Uhh….i bought you something" Tommy said quietly, never sure if Adam could hear him. He pulled a small bag from his jeans pocket. "Remember that time we were talking about how sterile hospitals were? You said that all they needed was some glitter to brighten it up". Tommy pinched a handful of glitter from the little bag and feeling slightly foolish, sprinkled some on the bedside table. He then buried the bag back in his pocket.   
"I'm sorry, Adam" and even he knew that he sounded like a broken record, always apologizing.

He looked over at the flowers that Sasha had bought, and used his thumb to open the little note attached   
"Get well soon…the party misses you!" Tommy's eyes then moved to a card from Terrance   
"Stars only disappear for the day…its waiting for the night thats exciting. See you outta the dream, brudda!" The final thing on the table was a silver dog tag with the chain wrapped around it - the eternity symbol engraved into it. It was slightly scratched now, but still bearing through. It was Neil's, a gift for christmas one year back. Tommy did not know the story behind it, but knew it was the same symbol that was tattooed on Adam's wrist.

The beeping machine captured Tommy's attention for a little while, and he smiled slightly as he remembered Neil complaining about it "the bloody thing would put him in a damn coma if he wasn't already" he had cursed, and noone had known if they should laugh or cry. "  
You know, you're ganna have to wake up soon…Glamnation's waiting" Tommy told Adam. But as always, there was no reaction. So Tommy reached for the familiar hand again - letting his fingers fill the spaces between Adam's.   
"Remember when i said i was straight" and Tommy smiled as he said it "what if that wasn't entirely true".

He felt a sudden grip on his hand….and then…. his eyes fluttered open.


	25. Eyes Wide Shut

There was a moment when Tommy just stared down at his hand in shock. His eyes then moved to Adam's and he felt a strange rush of emotions when he saw Adam staring at the ceiling. Adam then turned to Tommy, smiled slightly and then tilted his head with a confused expression on his battered face.

"Adam" Tommy breathed, not even aware that he had been holding his breath. Adam smiled again, now looking down at his hand and how Tommy's fingers were woven into it.   
"Hey" he croaked and the voice seemed strange and almost unfamiliar. Adam blinked and looked around the room. His eyes went to his arm and his gaze followed the tubes up to the machines. Tommy couldn't contain his excitement, and was now sitting in his chair grinning like an idiot. Adam was alive, not only alive he was awake, he was talking and….a sudden thought hit Tommy. Had Adam heard that last bit? He tried to read Adam's face to find out, but Adam was still looking around becoming more confused by the second.  
"You've been in a coma" Tommy told him, answering the questions in Adam's mind. Adam refocused on Tommy's face and he nodded slowly.   
As Adam opened his mouth to say something, the door suddenly flew open and Neil & Monte appeared.

"Oh my god, Adam, you're awake!" Monte practically shouted, and Neil & Tommy both turned to him and laughed at his sudden outburst. Even Adam smiled.   
"Apparently" he piped up. Relief seemed to wash over the entire room as he spoke - the voice and smile that was the Adam they knew and loved returned.   
"Gave us quite a scare, man" Neil told Adam, rushing over to the bed and patting his brother on the shoulder. Adam looked over at the cards and gifts beside the bed, reaching out slowly to pick one up. Tommy suddenly felt awkward and stood up from the chair beside the bed.   
"I'm ganna go call Sasha and Terrance" he said quickly, but nobody heard him because everyone was fussing over Adam.   
As he got up and pulled the door open, Adam suddenly shouted after him "Hey Tommy!" Tommy spun around, his heart practically leaping out of his chest. Adam had heard him, he thought, and now he was going to call him out. Tommy prepared himself.   
"Thanks for the glitter" finished Adam. Tommy just smiled as he watched Adam run his fingers over the bedside table, picking the glitter up in his fingers. He couldn't believe how good it felt to see Adam sitting there, alive and smiling again. The rush almost terrified him, and he quickly pulled the door open again and walked out into the quiet corridor.

As the door swung closed behind him, a thousand questions seemed to fill his head. How much did Adam remember? Did Adam blame Tommy as much as Tommy blamed himself? But the biggest question repeating in Tommy's head was how much had Adam heard over the last few days…because somehow Tommy had found it so easy to express his emotions when it was just him and Adam sitting in the room together, with nothing but the beeping machines for company.

Tommy remembered Adam telling him once about the line "eyes wide shut" in sleepwalker. Adam had gone into a lengthy conversation about how It was always easier to talk about things when you felt nobody was watching "Like how if someone's back is turned, you automatically assume they cant hear you." he had said at the time "When you close your eyes, you're shutting out the world…but even with your eyes closed, you're letting people in because its not as confronting". Tommy remembered staring at him in confusion, not understanding the concept.   
"But how can you have your eyes wide shut?" Tommy remembered asking.   
Adam had laughed "Because sometimes you WANT to hear what people are afraid to tell you to your face…So in the song i'm walking around with my eyes wide shut - i'm keeping the world shut out, but still listening"….The words rung so true now, and Tommy wondered if all this time when Adam was deep in a coma, if he had been listening….


	26. Length Of A Lash

Adam was sitting on the end of the hospital bed, pulling his shoes on and talking to Tommy who sat in the chair beside him, watching. He was finally allowed to leave the room that he had come to know so well, get rid of all the tubes and finally get back to his 'normal' life.

"Whats the first thing you're ganna do when you get back to the apartment?" Tommy asked. He watched as Adam laced up one of his boots and smiled at the way that even in casual clothes, Adam still managed to glam up his whole outfit with only a pair of shoes. Adam pulled the laces together and looked up at Tommy as he pulled the ends of his jeans over them   
"Go sit out on the balcony and enjoy the sun! Its been torture just looking at it from the window". Adam then reached over to the other side of the bed and grabbed a shirt that was lying there. He began to unbutton the one he was wearing to change. Tommy turned his head away towards the wall, and Adam laughed, stopping briefly - three of the buttons already undone. Tommy had seen Adam change his top hundreds of times backstage, but for some reason he suddenly felt that he shouldn't look - afraid of what he might feel if he did.   
"Its ok" laughed Adam, unbuttoning the rest of his shirt and slipping it off his shoulders. Tommy turned his head back towards Adam but kept his eyes focused on the wall. He could see Adam's freckly arms slide into the sleeves of the other shirt out the corner of his eye. "Nothing you haven't seen before" Adam laughed, looping the buttons through each buttonhole. Tommy smiled, slowly looking towards Adam now as the last of the shirt was done up, his eyes lingering for a second as Adam pulled the bottom of the shirt together.

Adam smoothed the shirt down before his eyes looked up at Tommy, A cheeky grin spread across his face, and Tommy quickly looked away again.   
"Can you grab my bag for me?" Adam asked. Tommy's head seemed to jerk back into reality as he searched the floor for the bag, and gently tossed it over to Adam "Thanks".

Adam dug deep into the bag and busied himself looking for something. Tommy couldn't help but watch him as Adam's fingers gripped the side of the bag while the other hand rummaged around. The black nailpolish on his fingernails almost completely chipped away, only a few specks remaining. "Wheres my mascara?" Adam asked the inside of the bag, frustrated, and Tommy couldn't help but laugh. Pretty much everyone had seen Adam without makeup on while he had been in hospital, yet Adam was still determined that he wouldn't leave anywhere without his eyes done.   
"Here, I've got some" Tommy answered, digging his hand into his own pocket and pulling out a small silver tube and tossing it to Adam, who pulled his head out of the bag. Adam smiled as it landed in his hand   
"Since when do YOU just carry round mascara?" he asked, pulling the brush out and using the reflection in his phone to add some length to his lashes. Tommy shrugged "I dunno…just in case i need it" he replied, and Adam snorted away a laugh, holding the brush at his side before turning it on its side and brushing a little bit under his eye.   
"and all this time i thought your lashes were just that damn pretty naturally! You had me fooled, kitty". Tommy batted his eyes mockingly and gave Adam the cutest smile he could conjure  
"Well…a little help never hurts" and the two men both burst out laughing.

Adam accidentally poked himself in the eye with the tip of the brush as he did so "Aw shit" he cursed, but was still smiling as Tommy giggled "Now look what you made me do" and he put his tongue in his cheek and gave Tommy a serious but at the same time playful stare.   
"Its meant to go AROUND your eye not in it" pointed out Tommy, mockingly. Adam put the brush back in its case and handed it back to Tommy "thanks".   
Adam then zipped up his bag and threw it over his shoulder "right let's get out of this place" he stated, standing up and waiting for Tommy to do the same. He held the door open and watched as Tommy walked through.

As they climbed into the car - Tommy in the drivers seat, Adam leaned back in the chair, stretching and smiling "Feels so good to get out of there" he breathed as he did up his seatbelt. Tommy put his sunglasses on before putting the car into gear. "Those are some pretty Blingy shades" Adam stated, eyeing up the diamente sides. Tommy smiled as he looked through the rear view mirror and began backing the car out.   
"Yeah Terrance got them for me, he accidentally sat on my other ones…And you know Terrance, he wont buy anything unless its got bling",

Tommy straightened up the car and started driving down the road - surprised at how busy the traffic was for midday.   
"Na they look good, they aren't sitting quite straight though" stated Adam, and without warning he reached out and straightened the glasses on Tommy's nose, causing Tommy to swerve the car slightly "…although they're not the only things not quite sitting straight, are they?" Tommy's heart stopped and he turned to look at Adam, catching Adam sitting there with the biggest smile on his face. Tommy turned back to look at the road and Adam laughed, gazing casually out his own window now. "Oh yeah, Tommy. I heard Ya".


	27. Final Thoughts

As Tommy rummaged around and pulled the keys for the apartment out of his pocket and opened the door, he let Adam walk in before him. He closed the door behind them and watched as Adam stretched his arms above his head, taking in the surroundings and being happy to be home. Tommy remained silent.

Adam breathed in the faint smell of the morning's coffee and a hint of Tommy's cologne in the air.   
"Feels good to be home" he breathed. Tommy managed a smile before setting the keys down on the table. "Aww don't go all quiet on me" whined Adam, he pulled a dramatic sad face and walked over to Tommy.

Tommy didn't say anything and looked away, but he felt Adam's hands on the sides of his face, gently forcing him to look at him. Tommy stared into Adam's eyes - noticing how clumpy the mascara was in the corners of his eyes. He took in the slight acne hiding behind a thin cover of makeup on Adam's face, and then he couldn't help but briefly look down at Adam's glossy lips. Adam smiled, flashing those beautiful teeth of his   
"It's ok, Tommy. We can talk about it if you want" and he lightly brushed his hand along Tommy's cheek before letting his arms fall to his sides. Tommy looked almost ashamed as his gaze followed Adam's hand as it left his face.

He watched as Adam slumped down on the couch and patted the seat beside him, folding his legs up under him and leaning forward slightly as Tommy sat down. Adam took in Tommy's uncomfortable shuffling and almost worried face as Tommy finally turned to look at Adam.   
"What exactly did you hear?" he asked nervously, reaching to scratch a spot near his ribs. Adam smiled again. Tommy was sure he was just tempting him with that damn gorgeous smile and those sparkling lips of his.   
"That you're not entirely straight" and it was Adam choosing his words with care now, not wanting to offend Tommy and really just wanting to offer a listening ear instead of just putting Tommy on the spot - but he figured he'd already kind of done that in his haste to get answers. Tommy looked almost pained. It was out there now, Adam knew and that was that. Tommy tried to wrack his brain thinking of what other stupid things he had said when Adam was in the coma.

Adam was still smiling at Tommy expectantly, trying to read his mind. Maybe Tommy hadn't meant what he had said in the hospital. But he was the one who had latched onto Adam's hand. He was the one that came and sat down and spoke to Adam everyday (Adam was only aware of this because Neil had joked about how it was almost like Tommy had been in an 'Adam coma' as he had put it, during the time that Adam was out). Plus Adam had always thought that Tommy was much too pretty to be completely straight, and Tommy had never backed down to any of the fever kisses - in fact, when they were on the last leg of the tour, Tommy had even leaned into them a bit more - somehow wanting it to last a little bit longer. But maybe that was just Adam's imagination.

As he snapped out of his train of thought, he could see Tommy's lips moving and realized that Tommy was talking.  
"…was dumb of me to say that…it just cut me up seeing you in there. i dunno what i was saying. im sorry" Adam had missed the first part, too wrapped up in his thinking.   
"Don't apologise" he said sweetly.  
"I just uh when i was at the hospital the night of the….well you know….i was waiting and i didn't know if you were ganna wake up. Coz you weren't breathing…and i…." Tommy's voice was fast and almost panicky as he relived the events and the feelings he had that night, "i thought that maybe you were gone…" his voice trailed off as he tried to compose himself by looking around the room.   
Adam leaned over slightly and rested his hand on Tommy's knee, patting it and giving Tommy a comforting 'keep going' face.  
"I just started to think about all the times on tour and even off tour, all the stuff we've done…it was like someone was just snatching it away in one night…and i realized that i'd never told you how much i appreciate your friendship and how much you mean to me."

Tommy looked at Adam now, seeing the tears in Adam's eyes that were threatening to overflow. Adam quickly brushed them away with his sleeve, smudging his eyes in the process.   
"But its ok, im still here. You're still here. Everything worked out" Adam told Tommy, his hand rubbing Tommy's knee reassuringly. He felt touched that Tommy was opening up to him. He'd never seen this side - this honest stripped away side of Tommy that he usually kept to himself. And god was this side of him beautiful. But in the words Tommy had used the word 'friendship' and Adam took that as friends is what they were and friends was all they were ever going to be. "You mean a lot to me too" Adam told him, but Tommy shook his head.   
"Na i don't think you get it…" Tommy replied and Adam was confused now "you've done so much for me. I was at this bad place, i hit the lowest of low and you stuck by me. Even though i was a fucked up mess. And then you were standing there and those guys were all around you - they were after You and you told Me to run….i didn't deserve to run. I should've been the one in that bed coz if i died, it wouldn't mean shit. But you mean the world to so many people. You're just this amazing human being, and id never forgive myself if you hadnt have woken up". Tommy was aware at how pathetic he sounded, but now it was his turn to feel the tears pricking at his eyes.   
Adam looked at him with a shocked expression "Don't think like that. Don't wish it was you. Ever." Adam's voice was sad but stern at the same time, "Tommy, do you know what my last thought was when i was lying on that ground and they were walking away?" and Adam found himself choking up as he said it.   
Tommy turned to him with those teary brown eyes "what?" he asked, and Adam couldn't resist leaning over and pulling Tommy into a tight hug.

Adam felt Tommy bury his head in his shoulder and Adam kissed his head, closing his eyes as he took in the smell of Tommy's shampoo.  
"You" he finished, but it came out as barely a whisper as the tears consumed his voice.


	28. Drunken Mumblings

Adam put a dvd on, grabbed a blanket from his room and sat back down on the couch, draping the blanket over himself as well as Tommy who was still sitting next to him. Tommy had gone quiet again, his eyeliner smudged but the tears gone now. Adam looped his arm around Tommy's shoulders and snuggled close.

Tommy leaned forward to let Adam get comfortable, but leaned back on the arm, not saying anything. Adam tried to read his face - but it was almost expressionless, blankly staring at the TV screen as the movie roared into action. As the movie dragged on, Adam's arm began to get sore and he shifted slightly, bringing it off of Tommy's shoulders slowly. Tommy watched as the arm left his shoulders and he looked over at Adam - slight disappointment in his eyes - but Adam was now looking bored, staring at the movie as it flashed past the screen.

Tommy pulled his legs up onto the couch, bending them so that they lay half under him with his feet poking out. He was suddenly tired, wanting to rest his head on something - Adam's shoulder was the closest thing so he gently snuggled into Adam, his head softly hitting Adam's shoulder as he closed his eyes. Adam turned away from the TV screen and looked down at Tommy's head - surprised but liking the way it felt to have the blonde's head snuggled into him. His arm had regained life and he raised it and began combing his fingers through Tommy's hair, watching the way that the longer bits always fell in a different place, and liking the way that the shaved parts on the sides felt different to the long hair at the top. Tommy opened one eye, watching Adam.

"What are you doing?" he mumbled, moving his head slightly to fit better into Adam's soft shoulder.   
"Just playing with your hair" Adam replied, ruffing the hair up now so that it fell over Tommy's eye and Tommy had to lift his hand and use a polished fingernail to brush it out of his face.   
"Im never allowed to touch your hair" Tommy mumbled back, his eyes closing again. Adam laughed, twirling a piece of blonde hair between his thumb and index finger   
"Thats coz mine takes longer to do than yours" Adam justified. He watched as Tommy raised a hand blindly in the air and began grabbing for Adam's hair - accidentally slapping Adam in the face. He opened his eyes when he heard the slap   
"oops" he said simply and made a puppydog face as his brown eyes looked up at Adam.   
"Always beating me up…" Adam stated dramatically, he stopped playing with the hair and his hand instead moved to Tommy's shoulder.   
"This movie's lame" Tommy thought out loud and Adam laughed   
"i think i got lost in the first five minutes."

They both agreed to turn the movie off, and Adam moved over to the kitchen and found a bottle of wine on the top shelf. Without asking, he poured himself and Tommy a drink and handed a glass to Tommy.   
"What are we celebrating?" asked Tommy, taking the glass but not taking a sip.   
"To being out of hospitals, and to having a night off to watch lame movies" Adam smiled, raising his glass and clashing it slightly with Tommy's before both men took a drink.

As the night progressed, the drinks kept pouring and Tommy was lying in the middle of the floor in the lounge laughing, his drink sitting on the carpet beside him, half empty. Adam was sitting on the couch, a little tipsy himself, but still sober enough to be amused by Tommy.   
"Theres a black spot on the ceiling" Tommy stated and burst into endless laughter, his hands reaching up towards the ceiling as if to grab it "silly spot!" he shouted and Adam almost spat out his drink in laughter. Tommy then rolled over onto his stomach and looked over at Adam   
"Come lye here with me" he ordered, patting the floor beside him. Adam was amused and did as he was told, sitting his own drink on the table and moving to sit on the floor with Tommy.   
"Look at you" laughed Adam. Tommy was rolling around on the floor with a goofy smile on his face, his eyes slightly glazed from the alcohol.   
"What about me?" Tommy asked matter-of-factly turning his smile to Adam.   
"You're drunk as fuck" Adam laughed and Tommy broke into hysterics….again.   
"Well YOU Mr Lambert" and Tommy pointed at Adam with one drunken finger "are a sexy beast!" Adam laughed, slightly embarrassed but curious to see what else was going to come out of Tommy's mouth   
"Is that right?" he mused, watching as Tommy struggled to push himself off the floor into a sitting position.   
"Yes!" Tommy practically shouted when he was finally sitting up "Be MY sexy beast" he then added, more quietly, but still slurred.

Adam smiled. He wanted nothing more than to turn around and say 'yes! i'll be all yours' but he knew that Tommy was drunk and he didn't want to take advantage….he'd already seemed to have done that once.   
"You're drunk, Tommy" he stated instead, standing up and lending a hand to Tommy to pull him up as well. Tommy got to his feet, leaning on Adam as he was slightly unsteady.   
"You have pretty eyes" Tommy whispered and he reached out a finger and traced it around Adam's mascara coated eyes.   
"You have pretty eyes too" Adam replied smiling. Tommy was now just staring at Adam, his finger on Adam's face. His face broke into a smile   
"I love you" he almost whispered, and Adam's heart seemed to skip a beat or two as the words left Tommy's mouth. He had wanted nothing more than to hear those three words from Tommy for such a long time, but he had to remind himself that Tommy didn't mean what he was saying - he was drunk.

"I love you too" Adam replied, smiling and doing his best not to just grab Tommy right then and there and kiss him. But then it was Tommy's hands on Adam's face, Tommy's eyes bearing into him, and then it was Tommy's lips crashing into his. The taste was so familiar, yet at the same time so new. This wasn't Adam kissing Tommy like the hundreds of times during Fever, this was Tommy kissing Adam - with passion. Adam's lips moved with Tommy's and he couldn't help but support Tommy's head as it moved with his, pulling his lips into his as Tommy explored his mouth.   
After a while, Adam slowly pulled away, breaking the kiss. Tommy was looking up at him with those big brown eyes he loved so much. Adam wanted him so much but he just smiled back, looped an arm around Tommy's shoulders and led Tommy down the hall to Tommy's room.   
"I think you better call it a night" Adam said softly, feeling Tommy's head resting on his shoulder as they walked.

Adam watched as Tommy flopped onto the bed, shuffling his head up onto a pillow but looking over at Adam   
"Not joining me?" he asked hopefully.   
Adam smiled again but shook his head "No, not tonight, glitterbaby" and Tommy was asleep before he even shut the door.


	29. Burnt Emotions

As Adam lay in bed that night, thoughts began to race through his head. He began to reflect on his hectic schedule and everything that had happened over the past year and the past few months. He thought of Tommy - and how much they had both gone through this year. He thought of Drake and he began to miss the intimacy they had once had. Without thinking, Adam picked up his phone and dialed the one number that was once so familiar to him, but now looked foreign as it flashed on his screen. Adam lay looking up at the ceiling, listening to the dial tone as it rang through his ears.

"Hello?" came a slightly confused voice, and Adam smiled as he heard Drake.  
"Hey!" Adam said excitedly - he could hear music in the background and faint voices. He looked at the time and realized that Drake must be in some bar.   
Drake paused, surprised to hear Adam's voice "Adam?….how are Ya?".   
He hadnt heard or seen from Adam since three months ago when they were on the beach.   
"I'm great! Whatya doing tonight?" Adam asked, hopeful that Drake wasn't with anyone.   
"Just Ahh chillin at a bar downtown. You wanna catch up?" Drake's voice was casual.   
Adam's face lit up and he suddenly bolted out of bed "Yeah! Where you at? Be there in 20mins or so?". Drake laughed on the other end of the phone, amused by the excitement in Adam's voice   
"I'm down at Nitro".

Adam flicked through his wardrobe trying to find something that didn't look like he'd just jumped out of bed. He found a form fitting t-shirt and some dark jeans and pulled them on, before pulling out his makeup and dusting some foundation over his face. He carefully relined his eyes with eyeliner, stroking his eyelashes out with mascara in an attempt to look more awake. He wasn't sure what he was doing - he just needed someone to talk to and something to get everything off his mind. He gave his hair a quick brush and rubbed some gel through it, before starting out the door. As he got there he paused and turned instead towards Tommy's room.

He opened the door slightly - just to check if Tommy was still knocked out. He smiled at Tommy's head on the pillow, his closed eyes still in full makeup, one hand up by his face and the other hanging down towards the floor. He made a slight whistling noise as he slept peacefully. Adam stood there for a moment, just watching - loving how peaceful and innocent Tommy looked when he was sleeping. He had been slightly disappointed that day they had slept together when Tommy had woken up first and bolted out of the bed. Adam loved nothing more than to wake up and see someone sleeping next to him. He suddenly felt sad, remembering the look on Tommy's face that morning when he had woken up - shock, anger, fear almost. So different to the way Tommy had looked the night before - the way his eyes had looked up at Adam without moving his head, how he had looked shy but curious when Adam had undone the buttons of his shirt, and that one look….of lust and passion as skin touched skin. But although that look was gone now, the words Tommy had muttered only an hour ago or so still rang through Adam's head. "I love you".   
Even though Adam knew that it was only the alcohol talking for the second time - he wished that he could go back and see that look in Tommy's eyes once again.

As Adam ran his fingers gently down the frame of the door, he slowly pulled the door shut, shutting out the image of Tommy as the door clicked behind him. Tonight was the night to get Tommy out of his head and forget about everything - push the burning emotions away, and just have a good night.

As he walked out the door a thought struck Adam…as he remembered that Tommy was the reason he hadnt seen Drake in so long.


	30. Skin To Skin

Adam walked into the bar looking around and smiling as he spotted Drake waving from a table in the corner.   
Drake pulled him into a loose hug - which Adam leaned into, grateful to feel arms wrapping around him again.

"How you been?" Drake asked, sitting down in his seat again and passing Adam a drink. Adam stared over at Drake - it had been so long since he'd seen him. He'd dyed his hair blonde which bought out his eyes and he was wearing loose jeans and a dressy black button-up top, the top button undone enough to reveal a necklace of some sort held together with a brown leather cord.   
"I've been good, and you?" Adam heard himself reply.   
Drake smiled and shrugged "yeah good" he replied, taking a sip of his drink.

It was awkward for a while as both men couldn't think of anything to say.   
"Hows the tour?" Drake asked, breaking the silence. Adam smiled, Drake had always been so supportive of his work - he'd even wrote the song "Voodoo" about him because Drake had always been such a creative help when Adam was songwriting.   
"Yeah good…its long, Ya know. We just finished the international tour so that took us to some pretty cool places. The fans were amazing. Its good to have a bit of a break from the road now, though".

They got talking about all the places Adam had been on the tour, Drake adding to the conversation with his latest vacation to Europe. As they laughed and drank, it almost felt as if nothing had ever changed between them. Their hands were on the table, Drake's lightly hitting Adam's Everytime he laughed.   
"Shall we go to a club or something? I feel like dancing" Drake suggested and Adam nodded, smiling when he felt Drake's hand grab his as they walked out.

Paparazzi flooded them when they got outside, but Drake didn't let go of Adam's hand - part instinct as that was what they'd always done when they were together. Adam smiled and answered the usual questions as the cameras flashed around them .   
"New album soon?" one photographer asked.   
"Yeah EP coming. Just a few songs though" Adam replied casually.   
He found it was always easier to be polite to them, answer their questions, let them get their photos and then hope they would leave having got what they wanted.   
"Whose your boyfriend, there?" another asked, and Drake looked down at the ground smiling as he always had.   
"You and Drake back together?" Adam heard someone yell. He remained tightlipped, keeping his head down and gripping Drake's hand in his.   
"What about Tommy?" another voice shouted over the flashes. Adam's stomach seemed to do a somersault and he hoped that Drake couldn't feel how hot and clammy his hands were getting.   
"Tommy's a great guy" Adam replied simply, almost walking into a photographer who was standing snapping photographs in his path.   
"Shall we ditch the club and just go back to mine? It's closer" suggested Drake almost in a whisper, and Adam nodded.   
"Any plans tonight, Adam?" a photographer asked. Adam just smiled.   
"Ganna get some action tonight, Adam?" Another inquired. Drake laughed beside him, suddenly pulling Adam sideways and into the lobby of the apartment complex that he lived in.   
Adam waved as the photographers took their final shots before the elevator doors shut, leaving them in peace.

"Sorry about that" Adam told Drake as Drake punched in the floor number and watched as the floors lit up at the top of the small room.   
"No problem" was Drake's casual reply. As the doors opened, and Drake shoved his swipecard into the door, Adam was greeted with the apartment that used to be like his second home. It still smelt of Drake's expensive cologne and the coconut scented gel that he used in his hair. There were clothes tossed loosely over the couches, and Drake bundled them up and chucked them into the laundry.

Adam sat down on the couch, sinking in and remembering just how comfortable this place was. It saddened him that he couldn't call it 'his place' anymore.   
"Welcome home" Drake returned to the room, smiling as he watched Adam look around. Everything was the same - the wineglasses hanging from an abstract form that made a zigzag shape as it climbed the wall, Drake's organic coffee sitting on the otherwise spotless bench, uniquely shaped photo frames filled with smiling faces still hanging from the walls and a giant canvas print of New York city's Madison Square Garden hanging above the dining table that Drake and Adam had bought and carried around the shops all day one summer because Drake had insisted that 'there'll never be another one like it'. Adam smiled at the thought.   
"Still got that, eh?" Adam commented, pointing towards the canvas. Drake smiled, walking over to admire the art.  
"Of course, i love that thing! Still never seen another one like it." He reached out a hand to straighten it slightly. Adam watched from the couch, staring at the acrylic detailing and noticing for the first time how impressive the artist of the painting was. He wanted to go back to New York and wished like hell that he could go there right now and shop for hours with Drake like they used to - even though it was about 1 in the morning.

That familiar tinge of sadness seemed to hit the pit of his stomach again as he realized that that life was gone now, he had blown it. Adam turned his attention towards the photo frames and the faces smiling back at him. He recognized almost everyone from someplace or another. As he scanned through the jumbled photos, his eyes landed on one particular set of frames that fitted into a small four piece puzzle set. All four pieces were photos of Adam with Drake. The top right was the two of them at Neil's birthday party a few years back. Drake was wearing a purple wig and Adam's lips were pressed against his but their eyes looked towards the camera. The second photo was of Adam sitting backstage at a show with a shocked expression as Drake sneaked up behind him. The other two were taken the same day - during a vacation to San Francisco where they had spent the whole night going between clubs and meeting a cast of crazy characters - their faces in the photos were laughing and you could see Drake's arm in one of them as he held the camera out to take the photo himself - cutting half of his own head off in the process. The bottom of the photo frame formed smaller puzzle pieces with the words "Love. Live. Enjoy" in a scripty font.

Adam smiled and heard Drake's laugh behind him as Drake realized what he was looking at.   
"You kept those?" Adam asked, watching as Drake moved to the kitchen and pulled two freshly made cocktails from the fridge, both with small umbrellas poking out of lemon slices floating in the top.   
"Of course" was Drake's reply as he passed one to Adam.

Adam continued to gaze around the room, his eyes suddenly fell on a newspaper clipping wedged between two books stacked on the table. He put his glass down and curiously pulled it out. It was a photo from the Glamnation tour during fever - where Adam had his tongue halfway down Tommy's throat. Adam looked down at it, and then to Drake who sat staring at it, looking slightly amused but embarrassed that Adam had found it at the same time.   
"How is he?" Drake asked, that always laid back tone to his voice. He took another sip of his cocktail, not really wanting to know. Adam stared down at the photo - why did Tommy keep popping up wherever he went?   
"He's just a friend" Adam sighed, knowing how ridiculous it sounded when he was holding a photo of the two of them making out. Drake nodded slowly.   
"Kiss me" Adam said suddenly. Drake almost spat out his drink in surprise, but instead placed it on the table.   
"What?" he asked, not sure if he'd heard that right.   
"Kiss me" Adam repeated, sick of thinking of what was and knowing how long it had been since he'd been laid. Drake just looked at him with a confused expression on his face. Adam leaned over impatiently, biting Drake's lips and smiling as Drake responded, his hands moving to comb through Adam's hair. Adam felt Drake pull him so that Adam was now straddling him on the couch. He could feel the familiar hands snaking down his back and the tugging at his t-shirt. Drake helped remove Adam's top before looping his arm's around his body wanting their bodies close and touching.

"You sure you want this?" Drake asked between Adam's mouth covering his. He felt Adam's hands pulling at the buttons of his shirt and his hands running over his chest - his lips always coming back to his more strong and full each and every time.   
"No…But i need this" was Adam's muffled reply as he moved his head to follow his hands as they moved down Drake's body - tracing his toned muscles and finally coming to his jeans. He planted kisses as he went - slowly undoing his belt and watching Drake's face as he arched his back under him. He knew that this was just sex, it was longing and it was the urgent need for intimacy inside of him. It was the need to feel someone close to him and feel loved.   
As his lips traced Drake's abs and his fingers gripped at Drake's belt now - Adam knew this wasn't going to fix things. This wasn't going to last and as he pulled at the denim and watched as it passed Drake's hipbones and Drake let out a soft moan under him, Adam's mind was still fixed on someone else. He felt Drake's hands massage his back, and move slowly down to his thighs with those delicate fingers Adam had missed so much. Drake was impatient and rolled Adam onto his back, pinning Adam's hands to the sides of his head, his lips crashing into Adam's as his hands moved downwards. "Just want you to love me" Adam mumbled, breathless and almost pleading.   
"That can be arranged" Drake whispered into his ear sending shivers shooting down Adam's back. Adam closed his eyes as he felt Drake move downwards, his fingers tracing circles as they went. He relaxed….as his inhibitions left him.


	31. End Of An Era

The sun poured through the bay windows, lines streaking through the venetian blinds and waking Adam. He blinked a few times, shuffled around and turned over. Drake was still sleeping beside him, a soft snore erupting from his mouth every now and again. Adam closed his eyes and buried his head into the pillow - frustrated at himself.

After a while the snoring seized and Adam felt Drake's arm reach over and wrap around Adam, pulling him close and smiling - his eyes still closed. "Morning" mumbled Drake and he allowed his eyes to open halfway to look at Adam. Adam brought his own hand up from under the covers, not sure if he should remove Drake's arm or not. Instead, his hand just hovered awkwardly on the top of the sheet.   
"Morning" Adam replied, his voice croaky. Drake rolled closer towards him and began massaging his hands along Adam's chest. Adam lay there, not protesting but not offering to take part. He watched as Drake planted kisses down his chest before he felt his face become strained and he slowly rolled so that Drake removed his hands.   
"Whats wrong?" Drake asked, confused as he fell back into place, one hand still hovering over Adam. Adam closed his eyes - he felt bored almost, groggy and slightly annoyed. But overall he just felt lifeless. He opened his eyes when he felt Drake's hands slowly begin to snake back over to him.   
"Just like the old days" Drake said softly, his hand rubbing up and down Adam's arm - but Adam just looked down at it.  
"Drake, im sorry" he finally breathed and Adam rolled himself out of bed, finding his clothes on the floor and began slowly pulling on his jeans.

Drake seemed to just flop back into his pillow.   
"Just another one night shag, am i?" Drake asked, his tone slightly harsh as he spread himself so that he had more room in the bed now that Adam was up. Adam stood up, pulling on his t-shirt. He looked over at Drake with an apologetic smile - not really sure what to say.   
"Im sorry" he repeated and he began walking towards the door.   
"So thats it then? Just fuck and leave? Thats how it is now?" Drake shouted after him in annoyance. Adam paused at the door, hearing the words but not replying. He felt completely empty and couldn't describe all the emotions running through his head.   
"Whatever Adam, run back to Tommy then. See if i give a toss, but don't ever come running back here crying to me when it doesn't all work out. He's a straight guy, Adam. You don't stand a chance." Drake was sick of caring, he'd woken up thinking they were all back on and now Adam had just got up and was being strange, shutting him out. He felt used and hurt.   
Adam flinched at the last sentence and he turned to look at Drake, his makeup smudged under his eyes and a look of vulnerability washed over him. He stood there staring at Drake lying in the bed for a good few seconds - seeing that hurt look in Drake's eyes and feeling guilty that he'd slept with him just to give himself some kind of boost, and knowing that now he'd stuffed things up for good. To Adam's surprise, Drake suddenly burst out laughing "Wait a minute, he is….no…" and the laughter stopped and he looked at Adam with wide eyes as Adam looked away "He's not straight is he?" Drake asked putting two and two together. Adam couldn't look at him. He felt ashamed like a little kid sitting on the naughty step being told what they'd done wrong. "You've slept with him, haven't you?" and Drake was serious now - the usual laid back tone gone altogether. Drake eyed up Adam as Adam's head hung and stared at the carpet. "You fuckin did! You little fuckin' whore!" and Adam had never heard Drake so angry in his life - even that day at the beach. "Were you sleeping with him when we were together?". Adam forced himself to look at Drake, catching the angry glint in his eyes bearing into Adam's and suddenly Adam could feel tears threatening to fall from his eyes. "Just get out!" Drake stated in disgust, not waiting to hear an answer. Adam mouthed a final apology as he grabbed his phone and walked out the door.


	32. Soaked Sorrys

As Adam walked home, he saw a nearby park. Not caring that it was raining out, he sat down on the wet park bench, buried his head in his hands and wept. He cried for the man he loved - who didn't want him back, he cried for the lover he'd lost being so caught up in fulfilling his own wants and he cried for his stupidity and how he had sunk so low that he had turned to one night stands to fill his needs.

As the rain poured down around him, he shivered in his thin t-shirt. He looked towards the empty playground and realized that it represented his own life - colorful, it looked amazing, but there were twists and turns in the slide and there was rust forming on the shiny metal of the fireman's pole. The rain had stained the wooden bridge, dripping and forming large puddles in the woodchips below as it leaked through the planks. On such a cold day it was completely abandoned and Adam had the sudden thought that nobody knew where he was, and he wondered if anybody even cared. The paint of the monkey bars was chipping away - the same way that the rungs of support that held Adam together were slowly beginning to fade - he'd pushed away Drake, his partner for so long and one of his best friends, he'd made things strange between himself and Monte because Monte didn't want to hear all of Adam's whinging, and most importantly Adam had thrown away his best friend by ruining a friendship by sleeping with him and now having these insane feelings for a man who even if slightly bendy, was straight.   
Adam was drenched now, and pulled himself off the bench - grateful that the rain would hide away his tears as he walked back to the apartment.

As he reached the steps to the apartment he began to feel slightly better. Tommy would be there, and as hungover as he may be from the night before and as wrong as Adam's loving him may have been, Adam knew that Tommy could always put a smile on his face. Adam threw open the door, placed his phone on the table in the hall and made his way to the lounge. Laughter filled his ears as he approached which he recognized as Tommy's. He smiled as he stepped into the lounge, his eyes landing on Tommy first before slowly drifting to Mia sitting beside him.

"Hey Adam!" Tommy greeted him, still smiling from whatever joke had just been told. Adam stood there, his clothes dripping as his eyes were drawn to Mia's hand resting on Tommy's knee. He watched as Mia told another joke causing Tommy to burst into a fit of laughter. Her hand slapped his knee as she laughed and she seemed to be leaner closer with every joke.   
Without saying anything, Adam walked past them and into his room, closing the door behind him. He sat down on his bed, staring at the wall in front of him. He could still here the cackling laughter, the slapping of her hand on his knee and Tommy's voice on the other side of the door. Adam didn't know what it was but he suddenly felt angry and his hands clenched into fists at his sides. He pulled clothes from his drawers and flung his door open, heading for the bathroom.   
He caught a glimpse of Mia from the corner of his eye leaning over to Tommy, planting a soft kiss on his lips. Adam found the bathroom and slammed the door after him, throwing his clothes into a corner. He turned the shower on and watched as the steam filled the room - removing his wet clothes.

As he climbed into the shower and the water poured over him, words began to ring through his head   
"Fuckin faggot"  
"Does that get you off, prettyboy?"  
"You don't stand a chance".   
The flashbacks came in a blur and the words kept ringing. He could still hear the muffled laughter of Mia from the next room.

Adam leaned against the shower wall and let himself slide down to the ground so he was sitting on the shower floor as the water ran over him, bouncing off his back.   
"Just get out!" he could still hear Drake shouting and that angry image of his eyes filled Adam's mind.   
"Don't Tommy!" he could hear Mia yelling playfully in the other room.

That was it. He couldn't do it anymore. As tears rolled down his face, Adam reached for the razor sitting in front of him. In one swift movement he brought it to his wrist and slashed one straight line. He dropped the razor in shock as the blood began to slowly seep out and his eyes became fixed on the red liquid as it mixed with the hot shower water and ran down the drain. The pain was immense and he suddenly became dizzy in the steam of the shower. The blood ran down his legs as he sat curled in a ball, clutching his severed wrist with his other hand, the razor tossed into the corner.

With the noise of the shower echoing through the room, nobody heard him when he murmured "im sorry".


	33. Wrapped in Leather

Adam lay on the blood stained floor, the hot water still running over him.

"Hey Adam, you ok in there?" Tommy knocked lightly on the bathroom door. Mia had left and it suddenly occurred to him that Adam had been in the shower for a long time - even longer than usual. There was no reply, but Tommy sensed that Adam wouldn't be able to hear him over the shower anyway.

Adam's eyes began to flutter open. He looked around, his vision blurry taking in the blood under him and still pouring out of his wrist. The shower water was running cold over him now and he tried to comprehend where he was. He thought he heard a voice calling out, but he was too out of it to know if it was real or not. He reached blindly with his good hand up and turned the shower off. It creaked as the running water came to a sudden holt.

Adam straightened up his head which was resting awkwardly half way between the wall and the shower floor. His body grew cold with the absence of water and he looked over at his still bleeding wrist with a confused expression. He ran a finger lightly over the cut, flinching at the pain. He didn't know how much he'd cut. Slowly he pushed himself up off the floor, falling slightly into the wall again as his vision blurred from the blood loss and dizziness. He reached out his other hand and tried to support himself as he stepped out of the shower and found a towel - wrapping it around himself. He was sure to hold his damaged arm away from the white material that made up the towel as he moved slowly towards the bathroom cupboard, finding a dark colored cloth and a rolled up bandage. With the towel wrapped around his waist, he carefully put his arm in the sink and ran cold water over it - watching as the blood mixed and ran down the drain - revealing the deep cut between his two tattoos. He tried to ignore the stinging sensation as he dabbed the cloth over it, attempting to remove all the blood, but more just kept seeping out. Adam was never good around blood, and he stared strangely at the cut as he wiped it, feeling slightly queasy. He pulled the bandage out and began quickly wrapping it around the cut, and pulling it as tight as he could before fastening it. The pain soared up his arm as he did so, and he couldn't help but clutch the wound in agony. When he was sure that he was covered up, he continued to dry himself with the towel and pull on his clothes. He clutched the blood stained cloth in his hand, bundled up with his towel as he unlocked the door.

Tommy wasn't sitting in the lounge, but he could hear movement coming from Tommy's room, so Adam guessed he was still there - although there was no indication that Mia was.   
Adam made his way to the laundry, chucking the towel, cloth and other clothes into the washing basket before going to his own room and shutting the door. He fished around in his drawers for some gloves, trying to find some that were long enough to cover the bandage on his wrist. When he failed, he pulled on a leather jacket - tugging at the sleeves.

Adam stared into his mirror, recognizing how pale he was and suddenly fully aware of how sick he felt. He reached for some foundation and began dabbing it over his face. There came a sudden knock on the door - and then tentatively, Tommy's head poked around the door   
"Hey uhh you ok?" Tommy asked. He looked Adam up and down, finding it strange that Adam had a long jacket on when it was clearly summer weather out. Adam put his makeup brush down and looked over at Tommy, startled by his voice. He pulled at the sleeves of his jacket, hoping that the bandage hiding under it wasn't as obvious to Tommy as it was to Adam   
"Yeah im fine, just not feeling the best" Adam replied quickly. Tommy studied him for a while, confused by the strange tone in Adam's voice and the way that he was standing there awkwardly pulling at his sleeves.   
"What'd you get up to last night?" Tommy questioned as he went and sat down on Adam's bed, crossing his legs and leaning back slightly.

Adam leaned on his dresser, still feeling dizzy - his stomach doing somersaults as that ill feeling returned and the realization of how heavy the leather jacket was starting to hit him.   
"Just went and caught up with a friend. Not a whole lot" was his reply.   
Tommy nodded "Woke up with a killer headache so guessing i had a fair bit to drink last night. Sorry for anything i did or said that was out of line. You know how i get" Tommy had sensed that Adam was mad at him when he had walked in and he had put this down to the fact that he must've done something stupid while drunk.   
Adam managed a slight smile "You didn't do anything" he told him and he looked briefly away from Tommy, remembering how Tommy had asked him to join him before he had crashed. It was something that Adam thought he should probably forget about and something that Tommy didn't need to remember.

Tommy stood up, stopping briefly to rearrange his scarf around his neck   
"Cool. Well i'm ganna go catch up with a couple of mates, so i'll see you a little later on?" he half questioned as he moved towards the door.   
"Yep" came Adam's reply and he tried his best to smile again. Tommy stopped as he pulled the door open again   
"You sure you're ok? You seem, i dunno, different" he stated and he looked Adam up and down once again, pulling a face as he tried to put his finger on whatever the hell it was.   
"Im fine" Adam replied, but he looked away busying himself in finding his eyeliners.

He looked up just as Tommy shut the door behind him - knowing that he was alone again, before quickly pulling the leather jacket off.


	34. Blade Of Secrecy

Tommy stood at the back of the stage, his head down strumming his bass. It felt weird being onstage again after a long break since Glamnation finished. Adam stood centre stage, the spotlight on him, his microphone poised at his lips as he launched into the second song - 'For Your Entertainment'. He wore a long jacket with sleeves that covered the top of his hands - whereas the rest of the crew, Tommy, Monte, Sutan and the dancers were all wearing t-shirts in the hot weather. Tommy watched as Adam danced around the stage, high energy as usual and not missing a single note or step.

As they all walked offstage for a quick intermission, Adam collapsed into a seat, sweating.   
"Take the jacket off, man. This heat's sweltering" Tommy told him as he swapped his bass, throwing a new one over his shoulder.   
Adam sat exhausted in the chair, drinking from a bottle of water - sweat dripping from his face. "Na its fine" he replied, but everyone else could see that he wasn't. As he stood up ready to walk back out onstage again, the heat washed over him and he suddenly felt dizzy. He quickly sat back down in the chair, closing his eyes.   
Tommy wheeled back around, looking concerned. "You don't look fine" he stated. Adam waved a hand at him in a 'don't worry' kind of way. But Tommy wasn't convinced.   
As Monte entered the room he threw a glance over at Adam. "Arent you hot in that thing?" he asked, tugging at Adam's jacket.   
Adam took another drink of water, resting his head back on the wall. "Its fine…just stop bugging me" his reply had an undertone of anger this time and Tommy and Monte exchanged glances before walking back onto the stage. Adam pulled himself up a few seconds later, the heat intense, but determined not to remove the jacket - he didn't want anyone to see the bandage on his arm with the blood still seeping through from just days ago.

As he sang "Music Again" he paused in one part, letting Monte take another guitar solo while Adam wiped his sweating brow, took another drink and tried to re-assess. Tommy moved subtly to the back of the stage so he was playing his bass near Adam.   
"Just take the fuckin jacket off" he hissed, careful that nobody but Adam could hear him. Adam shot him a dark glance - half because of the heat, and half because he was getting pissed off at everyone telling him what to do.   
"Shut up Tommy" was Adam's reply, his voice angry. Tommy looked taken aback, and stared at Adam with wide eyes for a moment before backing off to his side of the stage as ;Sleepwalker' began.   
Dizzy, sweating and annoyed, Adam tried not to let anything get in the way of his vocals. Tommy kept glancing over at him in concern, angering Adam even more.   
"You're everything that i want" Adam sang, and he shot a dark look of anger towards Tommy "but you don't want me!" he shouted with much more aggression than was necessary, and with that, he walked off the stage.

Monte and the band finished playing the song, exchanging glances of confusion. "What the hell?" Monte whispered to Tommy. Tommy just shrugged and shook his head.   
As the band walked backstage, Monte was cursing "He cant just fuckin walk off like that!" he shouted to anyone who cared to listen. Tommy sat in a corner with Taylor, both nodding.   
"Where'd he go?" Taylor asked casually, throwing a t-shirt on. Tommy shrugged, looking around the small backstage area - half expecting to see Adam sitting there listening.   
"Car's gone" stated Isaac as he entered the room, grabbing his bag from beside Tommy.   
"He left!?" Monte shouted angrily, throwing his hands up in the air.   
"Apparently" was Isaac's reply.

Tommy got back to the apartment, wanting a shower before he went out with the crew for a couple of drinks at one of the local bars. Adam's car wasn't outside and as he entered the lounge, everything was just as they'd left it this morning.   
As Tommy grabbed some clothes, entered the bathroom and stripped down, he relaxed at the feeling of the hot shower water on his back. Adam was moody, he decided. Tommy didn't feel like getting angry or upset like Monte had, he just decided that Adam probably had a reason for how he'd acted onstage. But still, it was strange. Adam had never simply walked offstage and drove away without telling anyone what was going on.

As Tommy washed his hair, he closed his eyes. The image of Adam's angry face suddenly struck him "but you don't want me"…the words repeated. It confused him. He hadnt known where Adam had gone off to a few days ago, but Tommy assumed he'd gone partying in one way or another… Probably hooked up with another guy, Tommy thought.   
He washed the shampoo out of his hair, a tinge of something seemed to hit him but he wasn't sure of the emotion. Adam had been strange the last few days, ever since the weekend. Tommy had never questioned it, but he felt that for some reason Adam had been upset and short with him.   
He ran a flannel over his face - staring at the black makeup as he wiped his eyes. The jacket thing was strange too. Since when had Adam performed his high energy set in a full length jacket in summer?

Something suddenly caught Tommy's eye on the shower floor. It was silver and glinting in the light. Tommy bent down carefully and picked it up. Adam was always so particular about where everything was placed in the bathroom - shampoo and conditioner top shelf, soap on the second, razors must always be kept in their appropriate holder on the shower wall. Tommy stared at the object, wondering what it was doing on the floor. He went to put it back in its holder when the red stain on the blade suddenly caught his attention. His eyes opened wide and he threw it back down to the ground in shock. Surely not, he thought…but everything suddenly seemed to make sense.


	35. Stranger We Knew

"Hey Adam, just uhh... call me when you get this…" Tommy put the phone down, feeling like he'd already left a hundred messages on Adam's voicemail. As he held the phone in his hand, still staring at the screen, he began to dial Isaac's number.   
"Hello?" came the familiar voice.   
"Hey man, I don't think im ganna make it out tonight…Adam's still not back." Tommy told him, he heard voices mumbling in the background   
"Yeah we've all been trying to call him. He's not answering. We're ganna call around and see if anyone's seen him" was Isaac's reply.   
Tommy nodded into the phone "Yeah i'll make some calls too. Lemme know if ya hear anything" Isaac agreed before hanging up.

Tommy scrolled through the phonebook in his phone, his eyes reading through the names of people he knew who knew Adam too. Cassidy, Cheeks, Drake. He sent them all a brief txt message of "anyone seen Adam tonight?".   
Cassidy replied almost immediately - "Na im still in Hawaii. Everything sweet?". The phone buzzed again and Cheeks' name came up on the screen "Hello?" answered Tommy.   
"Hi. Na aint seen him…whats up?" Cheeks' voice was enthusiastic as always.   
"He's disappeared off somewhere" Tommy told him.   
"K well i'll ask around. I gotta go, about to catch a plane" There was a beep as Cheeks hung up.

Tommy stood awkwardly staring at his phone for a while before there was a knock at the door. He walked over and opened it, greeted by Taylor with a solemn expression on his face "Found him" was all he said, and he grabbed Tommy by the arm and pulled him out into his car where the rest of the crew was squeezed in.

Tommy fell into the car, finding himself pretty much sitting in Monte's lap with Sasha, Isaac & Terrance crammed in beside him. Taylor sat in the passengers seat yelling out directions for Brooke who was driving.   
"Whats going on?" Tommy asked, confused and feeling awkward squashed so close to Monte.   
"He drove the car off the road. He's fine from what we hear, but we're ganna go pick him up anyway" Sasha filled him in, her face just a shadow in the dark car with Terrance squeezed in beside her.   
"Did he call you?" questioned Tommy, shifting slightly causing Isaac to giggle as Tommy moved his hand back, accidentally knocking him in an inappropriate place.   
"Na, one of Lane's friends happened to be driving past and recognized the car." Monte explained, trying to move to give Tommy a little more space.

As they rolled down the highway, flashing lights appeared up ahead with roadworks and banked up cars. Brooke pulled over and the crew slowly piled out of the car. "Fuck!" cursed Terrance as he banged his head on the roof of the car door as he stumbled out. Sasha laughed and rubbed his head playfully.

It was dark and cold out and Tommy wished he had've had time to grab a jacket or something - his t-shirt was not doing the job. Amongst the flashing lights a black car was angled in a ditch on its side, another car sat on the other side of the road with a police officer's head talking to whoever was inside. Near the rolled car stood a familiar shadow of black messy hair and dark clothes, his feet kicking at the car in anger and another police officer walking around with a notepad trying to stop him.

Isaac jogged over to the scene "Adam!" he called and the rest of the crew followed. Adam looked up from his rage, anger in his eyes. He had finally taken off the jacket but was still in the same stage clothes he was wearing before - but now in short sleeves. His hair was messy and sticking up at odd ends, his eyes a mess of stained mascara smudges and eyeliner. Isaac grabbed at Adam's arms, holding them at his sides as Adam struggled out of his grip.   
"What the fuck!" Adam cursed, squirming in Isaac's grip, his feet still wildly kicking in the general direction of the car. Terrance moved quickly to help Isaac pull Adam away, and Tommy and Monte followed suit, crowding Adam.  
Adam finally managed to shake his way out of both men's grips but stood staring at everyone. "Fuck off!" he shouted at them and turned to walk away, his arms flying up as he walked.

"Adam!" Sasha shouted in desperation, but Adam just kept walking. Monte chased after him, enveloping Adam in somewhat of a bear hug grip from behind. Adam struggled again, but eventually gave up.   
"Just fuckin calm down!" Monte ordered loudly, holding Adam's arms to his side and waiting patiently for Adam to stop the struggle when he realized that Monte was stronger than he was.   
"Just leave me alone!" Adam shouted angrily, his face turning in the direction of the rest of the crew - Sasha and Taylor standing there with sad looks on their faces, Isaac and Terrance standing a small distance away, both looking at each other, panting slightly after struggling to hold Adam. Brooke was over talking to one of the Police officers trying to get filled in on what had happened and Tommy stood to the side taking everything in, his expression confused and shocked as he watched Adam continuing to struggle to get out of Monte's grip - that same wash of anger flooded Adam's face as he turned now to look at Tommy.

Tommy looked down at the ground, not wanting those angry eyes to bear into him again.   
Brooke finished talking to the officer, got given a piece of paper and nodded slightly over at Monte before leading everyone back over to the car. In a somewhat group effort, they all piled back into the car, Monte pushing Adam into the back and Terrance squeezed into the passengers seat with Taylor. As they all slammed the doors behind them and adjusted once again to the cramped style of traveling, everyone shot glances at each other, Adam half lying over Sasha, Monte, Isaac and Tommy in the back.   
Brooke started up the car to prevent anyone from jumping out.   
"What the actual fuck!" Adam fumed as the car began to move back onto the main road. He pushed himself up so he was sitting half on Monte and half on Issac. Noone said anything for a while, everyone just looked around awkwardly, taking turns to gaze out the windows at the dark road.   
When Monte heard Adam's breathing slow, he finally turned to him   
"So you ganna tell us the story or is Brooke going to have to?" he asked. Adam shot him a disapproving glance   
"I just went for a drive, needed to just get away from everyone. Fuck! Can i not have one night without you guys all following me around!" his voice rose again in frustration, and Isaac inched nervously closer to Sasha in the seat.

Tommy sat squashed against the door, practically sitting on the hand rest, his gaze darted around the car, sneaking glances over at Adam's arms. Sasha noticed and followed his gaze. Her eyes then turned to shock and she grabbed Adam's arm and pulled it up to take a better look.  
"What the…." Adam started, angered by her sudden grip. Everyone in the back all at once stared down at the deep cuts in Adam's wrist, still stained with dry blood.   
"What the hell did you do!" Issac asked, his eyes wide and turning to Adam.   
Adam roughly pulled his arm back "Leave it!" he stated through gritted teeth. Tommy just sat in his seat quietly. Everything clicking together in his head at once and his mind not able to string together something to say. He just sat there in somewhat a state of shock.

"Adam you didn't…" pleaded Sasha and her eyes turned from shock to concern as she looked up at Adam's face. Sasha's gaze then moved passed Adam and turned their attention to Tommy's almost frightened face staring out the window. "Tommy, you knew about this?" She asked outraged. Tommy slowly turned to face her, his brown eyes apologetic. Adam turned to stare at him now too, a look of disbelief on his face before he raised one of his perfectly plucked eyebrows at Tommy.   
"I found the razor…" Tommy said quietly and his voice trailed off as Adam stared into his eyes - flames almost brewing in them as Adam's rage meter seemed to build.   
"You!" Adam shouted, and in a single moment he lunged over Monte reaching for Tommy, his hands flying in fists. Two hit Tommy - once on the shoulder and once in the cheek before Monte grabbed Adam and shoved him back to the other side of the car   
"Adam! Just fuckin stop!" Monte's voice echoed through the car as he held Adam back with all of his strength.   
Tommy slowly looked up, his body leaning towards the door - wishing it would swallow him up. His eyes full of worry, stress and confusion.   
Brooke pulled over, not being able to concentrate on the road with the commotion in the back.

"Shit Tommy, you okay?" Taylor asked from the passengers seat, his eyes full of concern as he reached a hand back, only being able to reach out to Tommy's knee in hope of comforting him. From the shot to his face, unwelcome tears welled in Tommy's eyes and his body began shaking for some unknown reason.   
Adam was still staring at him from Monte's restraint, the anger still exploding. Noone had ever seen him so angry.   
"Its your fuckin fault!" Adam spat "You play your little games, invite your little sluts over. How the fuck do you think i feel? You ruined everything! Drake…everything, you just fucked it all up!" Adam was shouting over the car, Tommy squashed in his place near the door, his cheek throbbing and everyone else looking between Tommy and Adam not sure what to do or say.   
"Oh what?" Adam rolled his eyes, his voice almost mocking now, "Now you wanna be all concerned coz i decided that you weren't worth sticking around for anymore? Now you wanna pretend to care?…the whole fuckin lot of you. It's my life and i'll do whatever the hell i want with it!"   
Adam put his leg up and lunged for the door, pushing it open and sliding over Isaac and Sasha to burst out. He stumbled, tripping over Sasha's ankle on the way out. He shot her a dirty look and turned to walk down the road. He stopped and turned back, leaning down into the car - his eyes fixed on Tommy's.   
"Oh and Tommy… stick to the drugs…they look a hell of a lot better on you." and with that he slammed the door and began walking down the side of the road.   
Everyone looked on in shock, disbelief and confusion.

After a while, Tommy buried his head in his hands, hugging his knees to his chest in the cramped space. He heard the unlocking of seatbelts and the front door of the car open, before the door he was leaning on opened too. Before he knew it, all 10 pairs of arms were around him, comforting him in a stunned silence. Four out of five of them watching as the dark shadow continued down the deserted road in front of them.


	36. Stained By The Past

After a while, Monte opened the car door and climbed out. Everyone watched as he walked quickly down the road to catch up with Adam before the darkness outside consumed him and he just became a shadow in the black.

Brooke and Sasha still had their arms wrapped around Tommy, & Isaac and Taylor both had their arms out rubbing his back - or in Taylor's case, his knee. They all stared at him with concerned expressions as Tommy hung his head low.   
"What the hell's flipping him out?" Isaac asked, staring down the street where Adam had walked away.   
"How long have you known?" Sasha said quietly to Tommy, her mouth at his ear in a comforting tone.   
Tommy managed to pull his head up to face her, his brown eyes sad and still slightly teary from the punch to his face. He used a finger to tuck his long blonde fringe behind his ear, but it quickly fell back over his face.   
"Just today. I went home to have a shower and…" his voice trailed off, his own eyes now fixating on the dark street.   
"He's lost it. He needs help" Brooke stated, referring to Adam.   
Tommy suddenly put his arms out, gently unwrapping Sasha and Brooke's arms from around his shoulders.   
"I need to go and talk to him" Tommy stated quietly, putting his foot outside of the car to move past Brooke who was kneeling down on the road outside, leaning into the car.   
"Tommy, i don't think thats a good idea…he's pretty mad" Sasha questioned, her voice full of concern as she watched Tommy climb out of the car.   
"He made it pretty clear it's me he's angry with" Tommy told them as he started walking down the dark road.   
Everyone else just watched on, their mouths open in protest but nobody saying anything.

Tommy walked in the darkness, using the light from the car headlights to find his footing. He could hear voices up ahead.   
"What the hell did he do to you!" Monte was shouting.   
"Everything! Its not your business, Monte, just stay out of it!" Adam's angry voice shouted back in reply.   
"It is my fuckin' business if you're ganna go nuts and start throwing punches" came the protest.   
Tommy finally came to the spot where the two were standing - their faces lit dimly by a streetlight up ahead. He paused, watching them. Adam was kicking at stones on the ground and Monte was standing slightly in front, tilting his head trying to get Adam to look at him.   
"You don't get it!" Adam shouted, his foot drawing back as he kicked another stone onto the deserted road. Monte moved slightly out of the path, as not to get hit.   
"Well maybe you should start fuckin talkin!" his voice then softened slightly, but anger was still present, "This isn't you, Adam. Its not who you are. You spent the majority of the year going around the world singing about love and self acceptance and now you're cutting yourself and not opening up about it? Its hypocritical!" Adam looked up at him then, taking in his words.   
"Yeah maybe thats what i am." he scowled angrily, his eyes then travelled off into the other direction, landing on Tommy's shadow standing there silently, watching on with wide eyes. As Tommy stepped forward, the dim light revealed the red mark on his cheek where Adam had punched him. "Fuck!" Adam cursed simply and began walking back down the road in the direction he'd been going before Monte had stopped him.  
"Don't just walk away!" Tommy shouted after him, picking the most commanding voice he could muster up, but it came out as more of a shouted croak. Adam stopped and turned around to stare at him.   
"Piss off, Tommy" he muttered, but Tommy was now walking briskly towards him until he was standing directly in front of Adam, his face so close to Adam's that they could feel each other's breath in the cold air.   
"Come on then, it's just me and you" Tommy seemed to be shutting Monte out of this equation, and Monte stepped back, close enough to be there if anything happened but further enough away to not be able to hear the conversation between them.   
"What are ya ganna do, Adam? You've obviously got a problem with me, so either you tell me or i work it out myself"   
Tommy felt proud at his boldness, and Adam seemed a little taken aback.   
Adam smirked a little "You really got no idea, do you? Pretty little Tommy walks around with his bass and feels so high and mighty…"

"So what? You want me to leave the band? Is that it, coz i can leave the band. I can go pack my shit right now" Tommy butted in.   
Adam laughed but his face turned serious. "Na, i don't want you to leave the band", his tone was almost normal, but his eyes were unfamiliar to Tommy - something burned within them that Tommy hadnt seen before.   
Tommy softened a little, his shoulder beginning to ache slightly from the punch. He slowly reached a hand out and grabbed Adam's wrist, turning it over to observe the bloody cuts that scarred him.   
"You know, we used to talk about everything…now i feel like i barely know you" Tommy let go, but Adam still held his hand out, observing his own cuts now.   
"Things change" Adam stated, finally letting his arm fall back to his side, his eyes now looking at Tommy.   
"What changed?" Tommy asked and his voice suddenly grew quiet.

Adam found another stone on the ground and kicked it lightly with his foot.   
"Remember when you said you were straight?" Adam asked, and he smiled down at the stone as it skipped away onto the road. Tommy's eyes widened, realizing that Adam was quoting him.   
Adam's eyes were still on the stone "Wanna know why i broke up with Drake, Tommy?" but Tommy didn't have to answer "because i talked about you too much" and Adam laughed slightly. Tommy just stood there, numb. His eyes watching as Adam's feet kicked at more stones.   
"But it didn't mean anything to you…it never meant anything to you. I was just some regretful one night stand…So know what i did?" and Tommy went to open his mouth, but Adam bet him to it "While you were fucking Mia, i got sick of waiting…so i went back to Him" Tommy's thoughts were in turmoil, but he knew that by Him, Adam was referring to Drake.   
Adam laughed again "but he doesn't want me either…funny that, huh?" and Adam's eyes finally moved back to Tommy "And i realized that there wasn't any point anymore…so i cut you out my life and i cut Drake out my life…" Adam was walking towards Tommy now, until he was standing directly in front of him. His hand gripped his cut wrist and he twisted it so that the shadows of the dry blood were visible to Tommy in the dim light.

"Adam, thats crazy talk. What about all the fans? What about the music? Its not worth your fuckin life. You cant do that kinda shit." Tommy's voice was panicked as he attempted to talk some sense into Adam, freaked out by the whole idea that Adam had tried to take his own life because of him. Tommy looked behind him, making out Monte's shadow standing a fair way behind them and shot Monte a scared glance. "  
Adam! Listen to yourself!" Tommy practically shouted, his hands grabbed Adam's shoulders and he shook him slightly.   
"You never loved me" Adam said quietly, and as he looked up at Tommy, tears formed in his eyes. Tommy didn't know what to do.   
"I DO love you, but not like this, Adam. Not this crazy shit."

Tommy watched as Adam fell to his knees in front of him - a sobbing mess. Monte emerged from the shadows, walking over to help. Tommy kneeled down so he was at the same height as Adam. He watched in shock as Adam stared at a spot on the ground, tears trickling down his face.   
Tommy enveloped him in a hug, leaning into him. He felt Adam react and wrap his arms around Tommy, holding him tight.   
"Im sorry" Adam mumbled, pulling away slightly so that his head was near Tommy's. Tommy's hands moved to Adam's face and he moved Adam's chin gently with his hand so that Adam was looking at him.   
"Im sorry, too" and with that, Tommy kissed him - it was delicate, lips against lips, nothing special.   
Tommy pulled away, his eyes looking up at Adam's. He felt Adam run a hand through his blonde hair.

Monte stood to the side, awkwardly looking away.   
"Home, yeah?" Tommy asked, moving to his feet, holding a hand out for Adam. Adam grabbed it and pulled himself up, "Then maybe we get you some help?" Tommy questioned. Adam nodded, his grip tightening between Tommy's fingers.  
"We'll get ya fixed up, Adam. Get some happy pills into ya, maybe" Monte stated, laughing slightly as he pat Adam's back as he walked behind them.

Tommy looked down at Adam's hand in his "Maybe drugs could look good on you for a change" he stated. A smile crept onto his red face.   
"Maybe" was Adam's quiet reply.


	37. Soul To Soar

Tommy led Adam into their apartment, sitting him down on the couch.   
"You sure you don't want me to stay?" Isaac questioned, he looked down at Adam who was still staring at the ground, hunched over slightly. Tommy looked at Adam too, tilting his head slightly.   
"We'll be fine. I think he just needs a rest and then we can kind of go from there tomorrow." Tommy told Isaac.   
Isaac nodded, his hand reached out and he bobbed down beside Adam, rubbing Adam's back gently "Take care, man. Don't do anything i wouldn't do" and with a light pat on the back, Isaac walked out to join everyone else who was waiting in the car.

As the door closed, Tommy sat down beside Adam on the couch.  
"You ok?" he asked. He curled his legs under him, resting his head on his hand, leaning towards Adam. Adam turned around with a sad look on his face as his eyes settled on Tommy.   
"I didn't mean to hit you or say those things…I shouldn't have said that. Im sorry" he said quietly, but the voice was low, dripping with guilt and sadness - not the voice Tommy was used to.   
"Don't worry about it" Tommy told him, his hand brushing against Adam's knee as he waved it off.   
"What about my car?" Adam asked, but his eyes began to drift around the room as if he was asking the walls instead of Tommy. Tommy followed his gaze, curious to see what he was looking at.   
"It'll be fine…Monte was sorting it out. Don't worry about that"

It felt weird being the one comforting Adam, more times than not it was the other way around. "Where were you planning to drive to anyway?" Tommy asked.   
He watched as Adam's body seemed to tense up and Adam hugged his knees close to his chest. Tommy reached out his hand again but wasn't sure where to put it - instead he let it hover near Adam's arm.   
"The beach" came Adam's muffled reply as his hands found his face and covered his mouth slightly.   
"The beach?" Tommy repeated, confused as to why anyone would want to go to the beach at this time of night - let alone why Adam had driven off in the middle of a show to take a seaside visit.   
"Yeah, up to the lookout" but the voice was still odd, his head still down.   
"Its a good place for reflecting i suppose. Cold at this hour though, cant really look out at anything…" Tommy was trying more to make sense of it in his own head rather than offer any kind of reassurance to Adam.   
"Wasn't going to reflect" Adam mumbled, and he slowly lifted his head, his eyes turning to Tommy's "I didn't want to do it anymore…Everything was so dark and fucked up…So i wanted to be free and i got in the car and i drove…" Adam paused, taking himself back to being in the car and trying to make sense of the thoughts that had ran through his head earlier that day.   
"You know right up the top where the lighthouse used to be? Where the waves meet the shore?" and Tommy slowly nodded, seeing the cliffface in his head…and then it struck him. There was no wall up there separating the cliff from the ocean below - you could drive all the way up there and stand right on the edge of that clifface and look out in almost a 360degree view.

Adam sensed that Tommy was catching on, and he slowly took a deep breath "I saw an eagle fly off it one time - it just spread its wings, and then it was gone….I could see it in my mind….How i could look down to the beach and see it all from up there - i could see Me and Drake down on the sand…I thought if i did it fast…if i just put my foot on the accelerator…then maybe i could fly too." Adam's voice trailed off, but his eyes were bearing into Tommy's.   
Tommy was afraid of what Adam was telling him. He didn't want to be there anymore. He wanted Adam to stop talking, but his mouth just wouldn't move enough for words to come out.   
"I wasn't going to reflect…" Adam repeated "I was going up there to fly".

Tommy's eyes filled with fear as Adam continued to stare into him. "Adam, i cant…i cant do this" he stuttered out. He practically jumped out of his seat and grabbed his jacket.   
Adam spun around in the chair, watching him - his eyes filled with sadness. "Im sorry, Tommy" Adam said quietly. It seemed like the thousandth time he'd apologized today.   
Tommy was panicking, fumbling around in his jacket pocket for his phone. He finally gripped it in his hand, but was shaking so much that it flew right back out and onto the floor. He bent down to pick it up, but as he rose from the floor, Adam was standing directly in front of him.   
Tommy stepped back - he wasn't afraid of Adam, but afraid of the person that seemed to be possessing him. Adam had practically admitted that he had tried to kill himself - all because something in his mind was telling him that Drake leaving him and Tommy not wanting him was a reason to go and drive off a cliff.   
"Please don't go" Adam pleaded softly, and his hands reached out as he gently placed them on Tommy's shoulders. Tommy's body stiffened - he desperately wanted to ring anyone - Isaac, Taylor, Monte - anyone that could come and take Adam, put him in a car and then return with the real Adam - the positive, loving life Adam that was married to his music and was all about loving and accepting everyone for who they were.

Adam's hand slowly moved to Tommy's face and he grazed a finger lightly down Tommy's cheek. Tommy felt tears brewing in his eyes and he kicked himself inside for becoming so emotional - the tough 'i-can-handle-this' shell he had been wearing, slowly beginning to breakaway.   
"Why are you crying?" Adam asked, his voice croaky, his eyes sad as they looked into Tommy's.   
"Because this isn't you. You were planning to take your own life because you have this twisted idea in your head that i rejected you. Listen to yourself! Noone rejected you, Adam. Everyone loves you - you have millions of fans out there. I get that this break up with Drake is hitting you hard but…" Adam's gaze fell to the floor at the mention of Drake's name "You need to pull yourself out of this, man. Its not worth all this. You said it yourself all summer, 'your soul will be okay' and it will! I promise you."   
Adam looked up again, his hands still resting on Tommy's shoulders, his eyes filled with tears. "Im ganna ring Taylor and they're ganna get you sorted out, ok? They're ganna make you better" Tommy told him, finding his phone again and beginning to dial the number.   
"Tommy…" Adam whispered, and Tommy smiled slightly, his phone to his ear waiting for Taylor to pick up,   
"…I don't want you to leave the band…"

"Hey Taylor! Yeah…uhh can you guys come round?…..yep…i don't think so…" Tommy turned around as he spoke into the phone.   
Adam could only let his hands fall slowly to his side.


	38. Paris Lies

Tommy opened the apartment door and put the plastic bags from the supermarket on the floor of the hall. There was music playing loudly echoing through the house - Goldfrapp. As Tommy walked into the lounge he smiled as he saw Adam dancing like a maniac around the house. His arms flying out in odd directions and his feet moving in some kind of running-man failed shuffle.

Tommy leaned on the door frame, watching curiously and laughing to himself knowing that Adam was completely oblivious to anyone watching him. After a few minutes, the song ended and Adam turned around - freezing in mid dance move before laughing at himself - his expression slightly embarrassed.   
"How long have you been standing there for?" Adam asked through a laugh.   
Tommy smiled "You got some sweet dance moves there, Mr Lambert" he commented, and Adam bit his tongue in an embarrassed smile.

Tommy observed Adam - the smile on his face, the light in his eyes, the carefully picked out t-shirt he was wearing with his jeans that colour coordinated with his fingerless gloves and shoes perfectly - anti-depressants did wonders - especially since only a month ago Adam had been sitting on the couch, a sobbing mess after trying to take his own life. Tommy couldn't help but smile knowing that the real Adam was back - and after a good few weeks of tough times, arguments, a whole lot of tears and a whole lot of talking, Adam was finally his happy self.

Adam noticed that Tommy was looking him up and down. He tilted his head, before looking down at his clothes "What? Is there a stain on this or something?" he asked, his hand quickly moving to his chest and his eyes searching the white fabric for anything out of place.   
Tommy laughed again and shook his head "No…im just thinking".   
Adam seemed satisfied and looked up smiling "We should go out someplace tonight" he suggested. He was having one of those days where he was just high on life and wanted to do anything to get rid of some energy - polar opposite to how he had been the last few weeks.   
"Yeah, why not. Where do you wanna go?" Tommy asked, he moved towards the kitchen and opened the fridge door, finding a frozen bottle of water and pulling it out.   
"Paris!" was Adam's reply, and it came out in a breath that he seemed to have been holding in forever. He looked over at Tommy, his eyes wide in excitement waiting for a response.  
Tommy attempted to take a sip from the bottle, but the cap was frozen shut. He ran his finger around the top of the lid hoping to melt it, but still managed to look casual.   
"Paris? Adam that's hours away!" his voice wasn't completely ruling out the idea, just stating how absurd it would be.   
"It's only 10 hours…" Adam's hand slowly moved to his back pocket and he pulled out a white envelope.   
Tommy watched curiously as Adam carefully removed the contents and pulled out two air tickets. "I have to go over there and do some work for an endorsement deal i've been offered…it's not going to be as fun by myself.." he pouted at Tommy, trying to convince him.   
Tommy laughed "Hey, well when do we fly out?". He couldn't see the harm in a little bit of international jetsetting - it was better than being stuck in LA.   
"Tomorrow" was the reply. Tommy chewed slightly on the top of the drink bottle, still eager to get something out of it.   
He paused momentarily, slightly shocked at how quick this proposal was "Better get packing then".

_____

 

"Aw i hate customs!" Tommy lifted his suitcase onto the scales, flashed his passport and ticket to the lady at the desk before walking over to join Adam who was already walking towards the security gates.   
"At least you remembered your passport this time" Adam laughed.   
While on the Glamnation tour they had been through customs and security so many times that it was almost second nature to Adam - Tommy still hated it.

As Adam stood with his arms out as the security guy moved the metal detector over him, he continued talking to Tommy who was grabbing his hand luggage from the scanner.   
"Hey aren't you that guy from American Idol?" the security guy butted in, and Adam looked from Tommy to the big man standing in front of him. "Yeah" Adam flashed a grin at him, not wanting to be rude but hoping that he wouldn't be asked for an autograph or anything.   
"Kriss Allen, isn't it?" the security guy asked as Adam turned around.   
Adam heard Tommy try to stifle his laughter as he walked up behind them. Adam tried to hide the shock and slight outrage in his voice.   
"Shut up, Tommy" he said playfully, reaching over and rubbing a hand through Tommy's blonde hair.   
"Sorry, Kriss" the blonde replied, still laughing as the security guy now moved his attention to the smaller man. Adam shot him a disapproving glance.

The wand that the man was moving over Tommy suddenly beeped as it rolled over his chest area.   
"Serves Ya right" Tommy heard Adam mumble in the background, and he poked his tongue out in response.   
"Piercings" Tommy told the security guy simply, his eyes still on Adam as they pulled faces at each other from either side of the barrier like two little kids.   
"Can you lift your top up for us, Sir. Just to be sure" the big man stated. Tommy gave him a slight 'are-you-serious' face before pulling up his top to reveal his nipple peircings. Adam couldn't help but stare from the barrier. He took in Tommy's skinny frame, how pale his skin was and the two glinting rings of silver shining under the airport lights. He licked his lips, wishing he could have a closer look. Tommy pulled his shirt back down, catching Adam staring.   
"Always the pervert" he stated, but a smile still spread on his face. Adam looked down, slightly embarrassed that Tommy had noticed.   
He still wasn't over him - in fact he still wanted Tommy more than anything. The last few weeks when Adam had been trying to get his head straight, he'd realized how Tommy was always there for him. He'd cherished every comforting hug that Tommy had offered willingly, and of course…even though the night was somewhat hazy in Adam's mind…he could still remember the way Tommy had kissed him out on the road.

Adam stared over at Tommy now, eyeing up those glossy lips of his. "Well since they didn't find the drugs and you've had your little bit of entertainment for the evening, should we board this bird then?" Tommy asked walking over to him and stopping Adam's train of thought.  
"Yeah sure" Adam replied quickly, grateful that Tommy couldn't read his mind.

They grabbed their bags and headed towards the departure lounge. A small child ran past carrying a lollipop, causing Adam to stop abruptly and drop his bag in the halt. The little kid looked up at him with a sticky face before rushing off in the direction she was going. Tommy laughed from beside him, picked up the bag and handed it to Adam. Adam smiled gratefully, watching after the kid.

As they boarded their plane and sat down, Tommy rummaged through the inflight magazines.   
"They should have Vogue on these flights" Adam thought aloud.   
Tommy laughed "Most people in business class don't really read Vogue" he teased "thats kind of just an Adam thing". Adam pulled a face, finding his headphones and unravelling the cord.

A flight attendant appeared "Anything to drink, Sir?" she asked politely, her face moving back and forth between Tommy and Adam.   
"Just water" Tommy replied, opening a magazine and flicking through the pages not taking any of it in.   
"And you, sir?" the woman asked, turning to Adam.   
"Do you have red bull?" he asked, smiling hopefully. He heard Tommy laugh beside him. "What? Business people drink red bull!" he stated, giving Tommy a playful push. Tommy nodded with a sarcastic expression.   
The flight attendant smiled, "Yes, sir. I'll bring those right over to you…Do i know you from somewhere? You look awfully like…"

"Kriss Allen?" suggested Tommy, "oh yeah, he gets that a lot". Adam opened his mouth and turned to him, an expression halfway between shock and annoyance. He raised a hand to hit him playfully, but Tommy flashed him an adorable smile.   
"Sorry, Kriss" he stated and patted Adam on the back before bursting out laughing.


	39. Loaded Smile

Tommy was walking…his breathing coming hard and fast. He was searching for something, but he didn't know what. It was dark out, the surroundings unfamiliar.   
He hurried around a corner and came to an alleyway. "Tommy" came a voice, and Tommy looked up to see Adam standing there smiling at him "Come on, we're ganna be late".   
He felt Adam grab his hand and pull him into a room. It was an arena, the guitars all set up on the stage - but the wide seating still empty.   
Monte and Isaac were already on the stage - Monte tuning his guitar and Isaac beating an unfamiliar tune out on the drums. Tommy could hear chanting from the other side of the doors at the back of the arena.   
"Ok come on guys, quick soundcheck before we go backstage so they can let them in" stated Adam. He bought his glittery microphone to his lips as Monte and Isaac began beating out Purple Haze. Adam then turned to Tommy, a confused expression on his face.  
"Not joining in, glitterbaby?" he asked. Tommy suddenly jolted into action, finding his bass and looping it over his shoulder. He began plucking out the tune on the strings - seeming to know the chords mindlessly.

He watched as Adam began to sing, his voice echoing through the empty arena through the giant speakers. The drums behind them made the stage vibrate under their feet.   
"...'Scuse me while i kiss this guy!" Adam sang and he turned to Tommy. "So i'll probably turn to you here. Okay?" he questioned. Tommy found himself nodding, his fingers automatically finding the strings of his bass.   
He watched as Adam danced around to the song, slowly walking up the steps. It was almost strange to see him just in his jeans and a button up top instead of his stage attire. He dropped to his knees as the halfway point of the song hit, swishing his head back and forth to the beat of the drums. Tommy watched as Adam went from his knees to flat on his back, moving his feet and crawling along the floor in some kind of spider like trance.   
He was mesmerized by the sight, but his hands seemed to be glued to his bass. Adam didn't seem to be aware of him staring.

"Ohhhhhh" Adam half wailed, still lying on the floor. His head turned to Tommy, his lips wrapped around his microphone. Tommy felt a smile creep onto his face. He watched as Adam's tongue swirled around the mike before he slowly pulled it away.

"Offstage! Offstage! Come on we gotta get theres doors open!" a yelling voice interrupted.   
The music stopped and Adam pulled his gaze away from Tommy's and unwillingly got to his feet as the stage manager ushered them all off stage and into the back.

As they sat under the mirror, Tommy watched from the distance as Adam carefully applied his body glitter, rubbing it roughly over his arms and then a little around his eyes.   
"Tonights ganna be special" Adam stated, watching Tommy in the reflection of the mirror. Tommy didn't say anything, just threw him a small smile from the shadows. Adam turned around then, and looked properly at Tommy, his eyes drifting up and down. Tommy shivered slightly.

They waited backstage and Tommy peeked behind the curtain to see the arena full to the rafters and the crowd jumping and singing to the opening act. He felt a hand on his shoulder, grabbing at it slightly "It's pretty packed tonight" Adam's voice was near his ear.

As the opening act finished and Terrance, Sasha, Taylor and Brooke all made their way out to stage, there was a whisper in Tommy's ear   
"Let's put em in a purple haze tonight, glitterkitty". The warmth of Adam's breath on Tommy's neck kept him frozen to the spot for a while as the hand slowly abandoned his shoulder and Tommy found Monte pushing past him. Tommy seemed to follow without thought.   
The music began and he shot a glance to the side of the stage, seeing Adam in his top hat waiting backstage. Adam flashed a smile at him before slowly walking out and bursting into "Voodoo".

The rest of the show seemed to blur by in a flash - almost as if they'd gone straight from the opening to the encore. Smoke trailed from Adam's mouth as he slowly climbed to the top of the stage steps and sprawled himself out beside Tommy. He wasn't really singing, more groaning into the microphone, as he crawled closer to Tommy. Tommy felt a wave of anticipation rush over his as Adam's hot breath came in contact with his face. Within moments he felt lips around his as Adam's tongue explored his mouth.   
On impact, Tommy slowly leaned back, his hand somehow still managing to pluck at his bass. Adam tilted his head, deepening the kiss. Tommy felt his pants tighten and let his hand fall away from his bass slowly, before letting it instead drift over to Adam. Adam's own hand reached down and Tommy found himself shaking with the intensity of it all - but the hand brushed past him and instead found the neck of his bass and began rubbing it with the microphone.   
In a blur, Adam pulled away and with a single beat of the drum, Adam was lying on the floor swishing his head around while Tommy stood breathless in the corner. He watched as Adam slid along the ground before coming back to his knees, his legs opening and closing - driving Tommy crazy.   
He couldn't keep his eyes off him.

And then…. there was a sudden bang…

It rang through the arena and seemed to bounce from the walls. There was a unified gasp from the crowd and screams from the front row.   
"He's been shot!" someone shouted. Tommy's eyes looked from the terrified crowd back to Adam and shock filled his eyes as he saw the slow stream of blood coming from Adam's chest.   
Adam's eyes were wide, his mouth open as he looked down, moving his hand over the gunshot wound in his chest. His body seemed to collapse and Tommy watched, stunned, as Adam slowly caved to one side, his head hitting the floor with a small thud.

There was silence.

Everything else seemed to blur around them - the screaming and gasps seemed to be cancelled out, the stage wasn't there anymore. For a moment it was just Tommy's eyes locked on Adam's.

Adam's eyes slowly began to close, a weak expression on his face. It was hard to tell whether his eyes were still a fraction open or if it was just the glitter of his eye shadow. He whispered something, but Tommy couldn't make it out, he could just see his lips moving.

As if in slow motion, Tommy saw Monte's guitar fall to the ground as he ran over to Adam. Taylor fell to his knees beside him and Brooke held Sasha, keeping their distance, both girls with hands over their open mouths and tears streaming down their cheeks.

A pool of blood formed on the stage. The blue lining of Adam's waistcoat now soaked in a dark red. His chest rose once in a ragged breath.   
"Tommy" he mouthed. His eyes closed, flickering for a second. His body shook as if in a last burst of energy before it seized and he lay there motionless.   
Tommy felt a sudden longing, his stomach did a full somersault. He was dizzy again.

"He's gone" Tommy heard someone say, but he couldn't comprehend who the voice belonged to.   
"No!" Tommy heard himself say - but he didn't recognize his own voice.

The world seemed to close in, the pool of blood seemed to swirl.

Tommy felt himself falling...

And then…..

The nightmare cut out.


	40. Stay

Tommy was sweating, his eyes wide, his body shaking. He looked up at the ceiling confused by the unfamiliar hotel walls. He jumped out of bed, stumbling slightly from how quickly he found his feet. He found himself sprinting from his room to Adam's and roughly grabbing the doorhandle without knocking. He flung the door open in panic.

Adam was sleeping. Silent,slow breathing sounds coming from the bed. His hands were up by his face, gripping a corner of a sheet. Tommy stood there in the dark breathing heavily. He felt tears in his eyes but he was too freaked out to wipe them away.

Adam groaned slightly. His arm moved from under his pillow and he shuffled around in the bed before one of his eyes half opened. It widened and he jumped in fright when he saw a shadow standing in the doorway. Suddenly wide awake, he bolted up in the bed.  
"Shit Tommy! What the fuck are you doing?!" his voice croaked, but he slowly came down from the initial fright.   
Tommy found himself moving over to Adam's bed. He stood there for a minute - still shaking from the dream.

Adam's eyes began to adjust to being awake.At first he noticed that Tommy was standing in his room in only boxer shorts - then he saw the tears in his eyes. "Tommy, whats wrong?" he asked, his voice still not quite adjusting to this time of night, but still filled with worry.   
"I…I…I had a bad dream" Tommy stuttered, knowing instantly how ridiculous and childish he was sounding. But it had all seemed so real.   
Adam sighed and moved to one side of the bed, his hand gesturing for Tommy to sit beside him. He reached over with his other hand and patted the touch lamp on the bedside table. A soft glow filled the room and Adam immediately shielded his eyes from the light.   
"You…You died" Tommy almost whispered as he sat down "You were just singing and then someone shot you and you were bleeding…and i just stood there". His body began to shake more violently - half from how real it had felt, and half because he was freezing sitting there in just his boxers.   
He felt Adam move from behind him and wrap an arm around his shoulders, pulling Tommy's head gently to his chest and combing his fingers through his hair.   
"It was just a dream, Tommy" he said quietly, and he placed a soft kiss on his head.  
He moved then, pulling himself out of the bed and getting out on the other side. He wrapped a towel around himself - even though he too was wearing boxers.   
"Hop under the covers, you're freezing." Adam stated as he got up and walked around to the other side of the bed where Tommy was sitting. Tommy carefully pulled a sheet over himself and shifted so that he was sitting in the bed. Adam adjusted the pillows behind him so that he could lean up against the wall. He then moved so he was sitting in the spot Tommy had just moved from and observed his friend.

The tears were gone, but panic still filled his eyes.   
"I got shot? Thats very Velvet Goldmine, Tommy" and Adam chuckled to himself in an effort to make Tommy feel better. Tommy just looked at him with wide, frightened eyes.   
"Adam, i don't want you to go" he said quietly.   
Adam smiled "Im not going anywhere. Look, no gunshot wounds here" he brushed a hand over his bare chest and cocked his head to the side, still hoping for a smile. Tommy looked serious.  
"No i mean…Adam I….I think I…" Tommy was struggling to find the right words. His mind seemed to be spinning.   
Adam waited patiently in curiosity. He watched as Tommy's hand burrowed its way out from under the sheet and grabbed for Adam's. It was sweaty and warm in his palm and Adam smiled as Tommy locked his fingers in his.   
"I'm not completely straight" Tommy finally said quietly, his voice somewhat defeated - mixed emotions brewing inside of him as he finally admitted out loud to someone listening what he had known for a while now. Adam was slightly surprised.  
"I think we've had this conversation before, somewhere down the road" he reminded the blonde. But Tommy's expression was pained, as if fighting with something inside of him.   
His body had finally stopped shaking, and he was staring down at their interwoven hands.   
"That time we…" he paused slightly, afraid to say it out loud "…you know…Maybe it didn't mean nothing to me…What if it meant something?" Tommy seemed to search around the room for something to pop out and answer him.   
Adam was slightly taken aback by how deep this middle-of-the-night conversation had just got. He felt Tommy's finger begin to draw invisible circles on the top of his hand. "I don't wanna pretend anymore." Tommy's voice was so quiet that Adam wasn't even 100% positive that he had heard it.   
"Tommy I…" Adam began, but even he didn't know what he wanted to say.

He felt Tommy's other hand reach out and trail delicately down Adam's shoulder. Adam shivered, his gaze following the hand - taking in every chip in the black nailpolish that coated Tommy's fingernails. Adam reached out his own hand, allowing his thumb and index finger to cup Tommy's chin lightly.  
"Stay" came the quiet breath of Tommy, and Adam watched as Tommy leaned into him, his lips planting a soft single kiss on Adam's lips.   
Adam's hand was still on his chin, and Tommy closed his eyes but looked up from under his heavy eyelids.   
"Are you sure?" asked Adam, cautious this time, not wanting to play on Tommy's emotions. But this time there was no alcohol, there was no interruptions and no drugs. There wasn't even LA to get in the way. This was Paris.

Tommy nodded slowly and Adam allowed his hand to graze Tommy's cheek before he leaned into a second kiss. He allowed his tongue to slip between Tommy's teeth, dancing with his for a second. His fingers trailed through blonde hair and he felt a hand on his back as Tommy pulled Adam closer. Their hands roaming, as their lips crashed together - passionate and nothing like those on stage. Briefly, Adam pulled away, his eyes meeting Tommy's as if to check in. A pink blush spread over his bass player's face and Adam smiled at how beautiful he looked. He shifted so that he was sitting in front of Tommy instead of being awkwardly perched on the side. He moved the towel carefully and looked up to see Tommy watching him with big hazelnut eyes. "You're beautiful, babyboy" he commented quietly, and he felt a smile on Adam's lips as they kissed again.   
Adam's hands trailed down Tommy's bare shoulders, moving slowly. He moved to his knees so as to be closer. The smaller man found Adam's hips and began moving his hands up to trace the contours of his body. A slight groan escaped the singer's lips as he felt Tommy's knee move gently under the towel. Adam pulled away then, forcing himself to stop.

"Tommy" he breathed "I don't want to rush this". In all truth, he did. He could feel the problem in his boxers growing bigger - but in his heart, he knew that Tommy had only just admitted his sexuality, it was the middle of the night and he wanted to slow the pace down - for Tommy's sake. Tommy looked slightly disappointed, but he nodded slowly.

Adam reached his hand out, finding Tommy's shoulder once again before moving slowly to sit beside him. He looked over at the clock beside him - the numbers illuminated in bright red. 02:25. Adam found the sheet and slipped slowly into the bed, watching as Tommy did the same.   
"In the morning you'll still be…." Tommy began.   
Adam smiled, closing his eyes - tiredness creeping back into him "I'll still be here". He felt Tommy grip his hand under the sheet and slowly pull their interlaced fingers out to rest on the pillow between their heads. Still holding each other in the most innocent way, they both fell asleep.


	41. Pure Interest

Adam lay with his head to the side - his eyes watching as Tommy's chest rose and fell gently beneath the sheets. He watched intently as a slow whistling noise would come from Tommy's lips, even though his eyes were sealed shut - flickering in the slightest way, deep in dream. Adam smiled. He was aware that he was staring, but half of him was expecting Tommy to wake up soon and storm out in regret - expecting those peaceful closed eyes to burst open and for fear to take over the resting body that lay beside him. He wanted to savor the moment. He didn't want to forget this image.   
Somewhere in the night, their interlaced hands had broken open, but they still lay side by side on the pillow. Adam moved his fingers slightly - his whole arm was dead from sleeping that way, but he wanted his hand to stay there, ready to grab Tommy's the moment that he woke up.

Slowly, as a stream of sunlight came through a crack where the curtains of the room met, the small whistling noises stopped. Tommy scrunched up his nose, a small moan escaping from this mouth as his other hand made its way up from under the covers to shield his eyes. Adam watched as the closed eyes turned into a squint, before blinking a few times and adjusting to the sunlight.   
"Morning" whispered Adam. He moved his hand to grip the sheet - trying to hold back the urge to lace his arm around Tommy and pull him closer. Tommy slowly turned his head towards Adam, his eyes still not completely open - struggling with the brightness of the light.   
Adam waited. He had prepared himself for Tommy to bolt. He had prepared for the "Im sorry" and then for Tommy to leap out of bed and go and lock himself in the other room. But none of those things came. Instead, a small, barely there smile spread across the blonde's face.   
"Morning" he murmured. His eyes looked up to the two dead hands lying on the pillow between them, and with caution, he allowed his hand to creep back into Adam's. Adam smiled too, feeling the familiar warm grip of Tommy's hand in his.   
"You ok?" Adam asked, his tone cautious yet comforting under his morning croak. Tommy nodded, his head against the pillow, his thumb slowly stroking the top of Adam's hand.   
"Thought we could hit up some shops today" Adam suggested, and Tommy smiled at how Adam's mind instantly jumped to shopping the minute he woke up.   
"Coffee?" Adam asked, and he shuffled himself into a sitting position - his hand still locked in Tommy's.   
"Yeah sounds good" came the reply, but Tommy didn't let go. Adam laughed at their hands before he leant down and placed a brief kiss on Tommy's lips. Tommy leaned forward as Adam pulled away - his mouth still open in a pout, his eyes flickering open.  
Adam smiled at the sight before placing a finger over Tommy's lips and sliding himself out of the bed.  
Tommy watched as Adam walked from the bedroom into the kitchen - wearing nothing more than his boxers. He couldn't help but stare, and he could feel his own face reddening, knowing that he'd never watched a guy like that before.

Adam returned a little while after carrying two steaming mugs of coffee. He passed one to Tommy before climbing back into bed, rearranging the pillows and sitting up to drink his. Tommy sat up now too, suddenly feeling very exposed with no shirt on. Adam saw him tensing up and watched with curiosity as Tommy took a small sip of his coffee, his fingers wrapped tightly around the mug. It was kind of cute to see Tommy so shy and awkward like this. "I've seen it all before" commented Adam before burying his face in his coffee as he took a drink. Tommy turned to face him, smiling slightly  
"True" he mused, he couldn't help but move his eyes down Adam's bare chest. Adam laughed, catching his glance   
"You've seen it all before, too" he reminded his bassist, and Tommy bit his tongue before going back to his drink.   
He heard Adam's cup being set down on the bedside table before he felt an arm snake around his midsection from behind. He shivered at the touch and strained his neck to one side as he felt Adam's warm breath trailing light kisses near his jaw. For part of him it felt so unusual, so different - like he was doing something he shouldn't be. But another part of him was taking in every breath as if it was his own, and feeling every touch as it shot through his entire body like an electric shock.   
"Shopping" he heard Adam breathe in somewhat of a whisper in a mix of kisses.   
"What?" Tommy asked, half laughing at how Adam was still going on about the shops and half confused that the warm breath was drifting away. Adam backed away, his hands still snaked around Tommy but slowly loosening their grip.   
"Gay Par´ee is waiting" he half sang as he jumped out of the bed and began sifting through clothes in his suitcase. Tommy sat in the bed, smiling as he watched Adam toss clothes to the sides, his fingers pawing through outfit after outfit trying to pick the right one.   
For once, it was Tommy who couldn't keep his mind off Adam….while Adam was more interested in the shops.

_____

 

The Paris mini vacation came and went without too much excitement. Adam and Tommy were sitting in their lounge, watching a movie. Tommy was snuggled close to Adam and both were under a faux fur throw. Adam's arms were wrapped around Tommy, loose enough for him to get free if he wanted too, but tight enough so that it was obvious that Adam didn't want him to go anywhere.   
"So are we going to tell the band about us?" Adam asked casually, his eyes drifting away from the TV screen and settling instead on Tommy. Tommy pulled away slowly and he looked slightly awkward.   
"Can we just….wait a while?" he asked cautiously.   
Adam smiled "yeah of course…but you know, theyre ganna work it out eventually". Tommy nodded. He couldn't picture how he was going to tell Isaac, Monte and the rest of the crew that after all this time, he'd decided that he wasn't straight and was now cosied up to Adam. It still seemed weird even to him. He wanted to be with Adam more than anything - but he was still trying to wrap his head around the whole thing that they weren't in their onstage personas now. This was reality - this was actually happening.

"We're going on a road trip tomorrow" Adam stated, changing the subject.   
Tommy perked up "yeah? where to?" he hoped out of LA…he hated LA.   
Adam just smiled, pressing a finger to his lips "you'll see".


	42. Stairway to Heaven

"Just tell me where we're going" Tommy asked frustrated when he saw Adam loading the car up, laughing to himself.   
"You'll find out when we get there" Adam told him, and Tommy reluctantly climbed into the passengers seat. He began busying himself in the glovebox trying to see if there were any mints in there - Adam was always good for having mints in the car. He flipped open the little green tin to find only one left.   
"You can have it" he heard Adam say as he pulled the car out of the driveway.

As they drove out of the main city and the music playing on the radio seemed to die down into nothing tunes, Tommy stared out the window still completely oblivious to their destination.   
"Thanksgiving's coming up" Adam stated, breaking Tommy's train of thought. Tommy nodded, a tinge of sadness coming over him as he realized that everyone would be going home for the holiday.   
"I know that Uhh….everyone will be going to spend time with family and whatnot" Adam kept talking, trying not to pry too much. Tommy nodded again, wondering if Adam was rubbing it in on purpose.

Adam pulled onto a familiar road in the direction of a place Tommy knew so well, but didn't want to visit.  
"Adam we're not…." he started, seeing the familiar "Welcome to Burbank" sign ahead. His tone was annoyed. He hadn't been home to see his family since his Dad died - he didn't want to face it. He hadn't even gone to the funeral - couldn't bring himself too. He knew how different it would be without him and up until now, he thought he'd done a pretty good job of avoiding it all.  
Adam didn't say anything, they just drove in silence for a while before Adam finally turned off at a side street and pulled into a carpark. As he parked the car and undid his seatbelt he turned to Tommy   
"I needed to bring you here" he stated. His voice was calm as he climbed out of the car. Tommy did the same, breathing in the fresh air before his eyes glanced up the hill at the scattered headstones. He froze.

He felt Adam's hand find his and the warm grasp brought him back.   
"Adam I….I don't want to do this" Tommy struggled with the words. Adam was holding his hand and walking up the hill with him, but Tommy wanted to run back to the car and lock all the doors. He felt the grip around his hand tighten.  
"Tommy, its been a year…" Adam told him, his voice still calm. The gravel of the carpark turned to grass and Adam led Tommy up the hill, his eyes glancing at headstone after headstone.

Tommy looked frightened, avoiding catching the eyes of any of the photos plastered on the miscellaneous shapes that made up the gravestones. They suddenly came to a halt.  
They were standing in front of a circular polished black headstone. There was a photo made into the centre of a smiling man, not very old, his hands wrapped around the neck of a guitar but his face looking up. His eyes were glossy and bright, the laugh lines in his face, permanent.   
"Loving husband, father & son" read the silver engraving below it, and then the dates.   
Tommy was frozen, his eyes drifted up and down the stone face taking it in. The same scared look in his eyes.   
There were roses growing around the headstone, the flowers just beginning to come out.

Adam looked over at Tommy, his hand still holding his tightly. He buried his hand in his jacket pocket and pulled out an object wrapped in brown paper. "I bought this…i thought you could…." he handed the object to Tommy, who took it and stared at it confused. Slowly he removed the brown paper to reveal a silver guitar pendant hanging from a thick chain. He moved his fingers around it, tracing the outline in his hand. His eyes looked from the pendant to the smiling man on the headstone. Slowly, he dropped to his knees and reached out a shaking hand. He moved his hand slowly over the curves of the stone, allowing his fingers to fall into the engraving and make out each dent.

"Tell me about him" Adam said softly. He was still standing, but watching Tommy who was sitting on the ground - allowing Tommy his space.   
Tommy didn't allow his eyes to look up at Adam - he was too focused on the lettering in front of him.   
"He played guitar. He taught me when i was about 7. That's his first electric in the picture. He used to have it on a stand in the lounge. Man, he had like 6 guitars and that was the shittiest one, but he still insisted that it was the best. One of the tuning pegs was broken at the top…it never quite made the right sound." Tommy smiled at the memory "I remember stealing it when I was a kid to take it to a friends' place. He went nuts at me when i got home. I must've knocked it on something coz he found this dent right where it used to sit on his knee when he was playing it. He always said it dug into him and never let me live it down."   
As he retold the stories, it suddenly hit him. "He said it'd be mine someday….guess it is now" his voice broke on the last word.

Adam moved closer to him, reaching an arm out to rub Tommy's shoulder in reassurance.   
"I should've gone to the funeral….i never said goodbye" Tommy was talking to the wind as a tear rolled down his cheek. He leaned on Adam's leg, allowing his head to rest for a second before he felt Adam bob down beside him and pull him into a proper hug. They sat like that for a minute, Tommy's shoulders shaking with each breath through the tears, and Adam's hand rubbing his back in comfort kissing his head in small doses.   
After a while, Tommy pulled away and unfurled his hand to stare at the pendant. Slowly, he reached out and laced it over the headstone so it was hanging from the top.   
"Sorry Dad" he whispered as he stood up, feeling Adam stand up beside him. He leaned his head on Adam's shoulder, just needing to feel someone beside him.

As they slowly walked away from the graveyard, Tommy took one last glance back, his arm still clinging to Adam.   
"Guess he's playing with the best now" Tommy stated quietly, "riding that stairway to heaven".


	43. Engraved In The Heart

"Thomas!" there was a shout and then a flustered woman ran out into the driveway, her hands wrapping around Tommy so tight, he could barely breathe.   
"Hi Mom" Tommy said quietly, wrapping his own arm loosely around her. He looked over at Adam who was leaning on the car, somewhat amused by how excited Tommy's mother was.   
"Oh it's been so long! Come inside!" her voice was loud and excited as she ushered Tommy and Adam to follow her inside.

They sat down in the lounge on one of the worn couches, watching as she hurried around the kitchen before pulling out a plate of sandwiches all cut into little triangles on a platter.   
"Here! get into these!" she ordered, offering the tray first to Tommy and then to Adam, who politely took one.   
"Oh Thomas! Look at you!" her voice was high pitched as she sat down beside Tommy and began to run her fingers through his hair "and all this makeup!" she smiled and looked over to Adam, "Wonder where you got that from" and she smiled knowingly. Adam laughed, taking a bite of his sandwich, watching as Tommy's face grew red with embarrassment.   
"Yeah…how've you been?" Tommy asked, his voice calm through his pink cheeks but with a hint of uncertainty.

He hadn't seen his mother since just before the GlamNation Tour had started - well over a year ago now. He hadn't been in the house he'd grown up in since his Dad had passed away, and it felt extremely strange. As he looked around the room, everything was much the same - photos on the mantelpiece of Tommy and his sister growing up, a timeline of their lives with photos from children's birthday parties, their school proms and then a photo of Tommy torn out of a newspaper of him and Adam at a show in Fantasy Springs (just a simple photo, not taken from Fever). Tommy smiled, but couldn't help but realize that one particular photo that used to sit there was gone.

"We've been….coping" his mother's warm voice replied. She followed his gaze to the space that the photo once filled. "It's been hard…." she trailed off. Too hard to have the photos of her dead husband still scattered around the house staring at her everyday. Tommy nodded, a tinge of guilt hitting him knowing that he hadnt been there when he should've been.   
"And Adam" the smile was back as Tommy's Mom now turned to Adam, her eyes welcoming "How are you?" she asked.  
"I'm well" he replied, his voice enthusiastic.   
Tommy's parents' house reminded Adam of his own. He hadnt been there in a while, but his Mom was really big on photos as well.   
"I love that jacket! Where'd you pick that one up at?" the questions continued. Adam looked down at his black jacket with the leather cuffs.  
"My friend actually made this one. Its a Skingraft design" he smiled at her sweetly as he adjusted the collar.

Tommy leaned over to the table and took another sandwich from the platter, holding it at his lips for a little while before taking a small bite.   
"I'll get us all something to drink. Adam what's your preference?" she stood up in a hurry and was opening the liquor cabinet before he could answer.  
"Not too worried, i'll have whatever Tommy's having" Adam called after her. She returned with 2 glasses of red wine which she offered to the boys before sitting down with her own.   
She beamed at them before taking a sip. "So you travelled around the world! What an exciting life, you'll have to tell me all about it! What brings you two out this way?" she asked, her words seemed to gush out like air from a balloon.   
"We went up to see Dad" Tommy replied, his voice still low and quiet. The smile suddenly faded, and the glass was set back down on the table.   
"You did? And uhh….how was that?" she asked, picking her words carefully, her eyes not quite meeting Tommy's, her voice coming out in more of a squeak than anything.   
"Well he didn't say much" and Tommy regretted his words instantly, realizing it was too soon for jokes, even for him. Adam cracked a small smile from the chair opposite him and Tommy gave him a slight look of appreciation. His mother still looked serious but he thought he saw her lip twitch upwards for a second. "First time out there…i'm sorry i didn't go to the funeral…" Tommy's eyes looked at the carpet, focusing on a blue stain embedded into it from when he had had his 18th birthday.   
"Never mind" came the hurried reply, but neither of them looked at each other.

Adam felt awkward. "I might go for a little drive. Haven't really looked around Burbank that much. Might go and see what shops i can find" Adam stood up, drinking the last of his wine before setting it down on the table. Tommy looked up at him with eyes that asked him to stay.  
"There's no shops…well not your kind of shops. Just a dairy and this crazy lady's store that sells crystals" Tommy piped up, hoping it would all sound boring to Adam and make him stay. He didn't want to be left alone with his mother for god knows how long - he knew how one of Adam's 'quick look at the shops' could turn into a four hour shopping spree - although there really wasn't that much in Burbank.   
"Crystals are cool…maybe she could tell my fortune or something" Adam smiled and began walking towards the door. He pat Tommy's shoulder lightly as he walked past, hoping it was reassuring before he walked out the door.

Tommy and his mother sat in silence listening as the car started up and rolled out of the driveway. "So…umm he left you something", and before Tommy could question anything, his mother was hurrying up the stairs.   
She returned a few minutes later with a small wooden box. Tommy took it and sat it on his lap.   
Engraved in the top were music notes, all entertwined so tightly that you almost couldn't make out each individual one.   
"I haven't opened it. Never even knew he had that box. He said it was for your eyes only" his mother rambled on. She was sitting down again but leaning forward in her seat, so that she could see the minute that Tommy opened it.   
Tommy ran his fingers over the detail in the wood, before fingering the silver catch that held the lid closed. It clicked, but he had to force the wood apart. He coughed as dust flew out from the catch - obviously not opened for a long time. He heard a small grumble from his Mom - she was always a tidy freak who hated anything with dust, but Tommy's Dad had always been one for keeping things.   
The inside of the box was lined with blue velvet and separated into two small compartments. There was a small scroll in one side, and a sterling silver round pendant in the other. Tommy dug his finger cautiously under it to pop it out, and turned it over in his hand.

It was engraved in a tiny swirled font that Tommy had to squint to read:

"Strums strings of the heart  
Fingers spread apart  
Back of the stage  
Erupts out the cage  
When it all stops  
The music is lost…"

Confused, Tommy unwrapped the scroll. There were 4 lines written in his Dad's untidy scrawl.   
Slowly, he read them. A smile spreading across his face.

"What is it?" the impatient voice broke Tommy's train of thought. Tommy smiled at the writing.   
"Something we wrote a long time ago" he replied. He carefully rolled the scroll up and placed it back in the box.

His phone suddenly vibrated in his pocket: "There's a car crash off the main road. They're ganna close it off in the next half hour. We should probably leave before then. i'll come back now" it was from Adam. Tommy read the txt and then put his phone back in his pocket.   
"Mom, i gotta go. They're ganna close the road off" he stood up from his chair, still clutching the box.   
"Oh" his mother's voice sounded deflated.   
Tommy walked over to his mother and wrapped his arms around her "I'll come back and visit soon, okay?" he pulled away slowly. His mother looked different with her hair cut like that, but those smiling eyes were still the same - even though she looked sad that her boy was leaving again.

Tommy went to walk towards the door to wait outside for Adam, but felt a hand on his shoulder "Stay in touch, yeah?" her voice was soft and comforting, her eyes almost pleading.   
"I will" Tommy promised and he felt her hand slowly let go.


	44. Between The Leather

As Adam drove the car away from Burbank, he saw the box in Tommy' hand sitting on his lap. "Whats that?" he asked, his eyes still on the road. "Something from Dad" he replied, and Adam didn't feel he should ask anymore.   
Adam's phone suddenly went off, giving them both a fright. "Answer it for me?" Adam asked, and Tommy busied himself in rummaging through Adam's bag before he pulled out the iphone.   
"Hello?"  
"Tommy? Hey man, hows it going?" It was Terrance.  
"Good. Just driving back from Burbank"  
"Went home, eh? Cool. Hey we're having a party tonight at one of the clubs downtown. Everyone's coming - Sasha, Isaac, Taylor - the whole crew. It's Monte's birthday so we thought we'd do something. You and Adam will be there right?"  
"Yeah i'll be there! I'll just ask Adam" Tommy pulled the phone away from his ear, "Party tonight with everyone. You in?"  
"Of course!" Adam raised his voice so that Terrance could hear him.  
"Cool, well i'll see you about 7-ish. Will txt details. See Ya a little later on?"  
"Yep see ya then. Bye"

Tommy hung up the phone and turned to Adam who was staring at the road with a confusing expression on his face.   
"Whats wrong?" Tommy asked, curious.   
"Need a new outfit" was the reply, and Tommy couldn't help but laugh.   
"Emergency stop" Adam stated, and immediately swung the car into a shopping centre.   
"Fuck Adam, do these things just pop up when you mention them? I never even knew there was a mall here" Tommy laughed, stepping out of the car. "Well when you gotta shop….you gotta shop" was the reply, and Adam was already strutting his way into the nearest shop and flicking through coat hangers.

"Whats the dress code?" Tommy asked, busying himself in another rack of clothes.   
"Leather" was the simple answer.   
Tommy laughed, plucking a pair of leather pants out from a rack "these?" he asked, holding them up. Adam nodded, grabbing them and rushing into the changing rooms. He emerged a little while later wearing them.  
"How do they look?" he asked, giving a slight twirl that made Tommy laugh. The leather was tight fitting - especially tight fitting - hugging every inch of Adam's legs. Tommy couldn't help but look him up and down a few times just admiring the pure beauty of him.   
"They look sick" Tommy stated, which was a compliment coming from him. His eyes lingered for a moment at Adam's crotch and Adam's face cracked into a smile. He wriggled his hips a little bit for good measure.  
"Not too tight?" he asked, his own eyes drifting down to the fly. Tommy shook his head, not being able to string words together.  
The pants were paid for and stuffed into a bag in the backseat shortly after.

"Happy Birthday, Man!" Adam shouted pulling Monte into a hug. The music was loud electronica, a typical Terrance party. Tommy followed, trailing behind him slightly. He heard Sasha call his name and he spun around. She kissed him on the cheek lightly.  
"Soooo embarrassing!" she drew out in a drunken slur. Tommy smiled - inside jokes from GlamNation never failed to last forever.

As the night drew on, they danced away to the music before Adam made his way back to Tommy who was sitting with Taylor in a booth at the back of the club.   
"Glitterbaby, come dance!" he shouted over the music. Adam slumped himself down on the soft leather of the couch beside Tommy. Taylor smiled and took a sip of his drink. If anyone knew about Adam and Tommy and they're deeper relationship, it was Taylor. He was always the first to pick up on such things. He didn't let on though.

Adam was already dancing in his seat, his arm slowly drifting around Tommy's shoulders. Tommy couldn't tell if he was drunk or just hyped up - it was hard to tell with Adam sometimes. He got just as drunk off red bulls as he did with alcohol.   
He pulled Tommy onto the dancefloor and it felt like halloween again - everyone was jumping around, lost in the music. Tommy and Adam danced close - the leather pants often the only thing between them.   
"Thanks for taking me home today…i needed to do that" Tommy shouted over the music as a slower song came on.   
Adam smiled "No problem".   
His face was close to Tommy's, he could feel Tommy's breath on his face. It drove him crazy and he suddenly wondered if the pants were a little too tight after all.   
"I love you" Tommy whispered, and Adam would usually be so taken aback by the words coming out of Tommy's mouth, but he had been anticipating those three words for so long that they just melted into the air. Adam leaned in and kissed him, softly at first before he parted Tommy's lips with his tongue. Tommy responded by moving a tentative hand to Adam's shoulder and pulling him closer.

After a while, Adam pulled away slowly. He could see Monte, Isaac and Terrance watching from the distance, all smiling and whispering to each other. "There's people watching" Adam whispered, his head jerking in the direction of the crew, but not making direct eye contact. Tommy glanced over too. "We better give them something to talk about then" and he pulled Adam close once again, crashing their lips together, accepting that this was who he was and this was how he wanted it to be. Adam's hands massaged their way up Tommy's back, their bodies pressing together in the middle of the dancefloor.   
He was sure everyone was watching, that somewhere there was cameras flashing and that the world would probably know tomorrow, but for that single moment, for that one night…it didn't matter. It was just him and Tommy….and nothing between them.


	45. Bassline Of Your Life

"Its really nice" Adam complimented the pendant around Tommy's neck. He reached out a hand and rubbed the silver between his fingers, turning it over, examining it but being sure not to tug too tightly at the chain. Tommy smiled, looking down at it.   
"When it all stops, the music is lost'…. it seems unfinished" Adam thought out loud, letting the silver slide away and fall gently back to Tommy's chest.   
"It is" was Tommy's reply, but the look on his face told Adam that he wasn't going to find out what was missing. Adam shrugged, capturing Tommy's brown eyes for a minute. They were in one of the rooms upstairs from the club - they could still hear the music and voices all mashing into a single drone below their feet.

It was Tommy who reached out first - his hands found Adam's waist and held him lightly - but his eyes looked up from under his fringe, not quite knowing what to do next. Adam smiled, brushing the long blonde hair away to reveal Tommy's eyes. With a single finger, he pulled Tommy's lips to his and they stood in the middle of the room with nothing but the sweet sounds of their lips combining. Adam's hands began to crawl. They tugged briefly at the hem of Tommy's black shirt - but he was still cautious, not wanting to rush anything. Tommy responded by lifting his arms and settling them on the collar of Adam's jacket. It slowly slid to the ground.   
After a while, the mood became more urgent. Adam fumbled with the buttons of Tommy's shirt, their lips still devouring each other. They walked towards the bed until Tommy fell onto it and Adam followed, straddling his waist. It was then that Adam broke the kiss and saw Tommy's eyes. Shyness and a slight hint of fear seemed to highlight the hazelnut spheres as they stared straight into Adam's.  
"You ok?" Adam's voice was cautious. He tried to hide the breathlessness in his voice - his leather pants deffinately not made for sitting like this.   
Tommy was silent for a while. His eyes moved to Adam's shirt, as if taking in the whole thing.   
"We can stop…." Adam suggested, but Tommy shook his head.   
"No i don't wanna stop….i just…" he trailed off, his eyes now drifting to the crotch of Adam's leather. A slight smile spread over his face and Adam looked down now too.   
"I think they need to come off" stated Adam, stifling a laugh. He eyed Tommy to get the okay to go ahead.   
"I agree" came the quiet reply.

Adam climbed off the bed and struggled to peel the leather away from his legs. Tommy laughed as he watched him hop around.   
"Fuck!" Adam cursed, almost tripping over as he pulled one leg out. "Maybe they are a little bit too tight" Adam admitted, finally stepping out of the pants and standing there for a moment to appreciate his freedom.   
"Nothing's ever too tight" Tommy told him, and then both men couldn't help but laugh, both taking the comment the wrong way.

Adam moved back onto the bed, planting small kisses on every inch of Tommy's body as he crawled up until his lips were firmly pressed back against Tommy's. A small moan escaped Tommy's mouth as he felt Adam move against him.  
In a dimly lit room, with the music pounding downstairs...among whispers and sniggers….a camera flashed somewhere…but upstairs behind closed doors, two men came together in a way they had never before.

Tommy woke up and his eyes drifted around the room. A hangover pounded in his head, but he could remember every detail from the night before. Adam was still asleep, snoring loudly. The sound half pissed Tommy off, but for the most part he found it kind of comforting. Adam's arm was still draped over him - his fingers loosely dangling from his waist. Tommy tried to move, but was held in place by the dead weight.

Tommy reflected on the year - a year of ups and downs, of heartbreak, of happiness, breakdowns and highs. Amongst it all, he never dreamed he would find love - even more surprising was the fact that the love he had found was for a man. He turned to look at Adam - the singers' eyes still shut, his lips set in a peaceful pout. Through everything, Adam had been the single constant thing in his life. Something Tommy was more than grateful for.

Adam moved slowly, his fingers gripping at Tommy's waist. "You watching me sleep?" came a muffled voice.   
Tommy smiled, his eyes still set on Adam's closed ones "Maybe". He moved his arm to wrap around Adam, their bodies pulled together.   
Adam's eyes finally opened, and set on Tommy. There was a moment where no words needed to be said. Silence filled the room as their eyes met simply taking each other in. Even in a strange bed above a club, they felt right at home.  
"Tommy?" Adam questioned.  
"Yeah"  
"You ever ganna tell me the missing part of the poem?"  
Tommy smiled, biting his lip. "Dad's poem?" and he saw Adam nod against the pillow, "The Harmony is gone…and i've lost the song…." Tommy recited, having memorized the whole thing that day he had first laid eyes on it. Adam looked at him, wanting him to say more, but Tommy just drew a finger to his mouth.   
There were no complaints when lips touched lips in the most delicate way.

As the two men finally ventured away from the upstairs room and walked through the now empty but trashed club into the cool LA air - a single hand reached out. Adam looked down at it - chipped black fingernail polish and all. Gladly, he took the hand in his. As they walked down the street, hand in hand, a cluster of paparazzo blocked their path.   
"Adam! Adam!" one called, his bright camera flashing. Adam shielded his eyes with one hand, his other still firmly interlocked with Tommy's.  
"Whose the new man?"  
"New boyfriend, Adam?"  
"It's the bassist!"  
"Got some last night, Adam?"  
The voices shouted as more cameras appeared and a crowd appeared in their path.

Adam stopped, he then turned to Tommy. "Rock n roll is a prostitute…" he stated simply, pulling Tommy's face to his and letting his tongue slip between the lips of the smaller man.

The cameras flashed and clicked, there were more shouts from the cameramen as they captured the photos that the world would soon see. But neither man cared…caught in the moment, hand in hand, kissing on an LA street in broad daylight - with not a care in the world.

As they made their way to Adam's car and shut the paparazzi out, Adam turned to Tommy. Both men smiled.   
As the engine roared, the cameras cleared and their eyes turned their attention to the road, a small voice got lost in the wind whipping by the half open window. Tommy's head leaned against the glass as he spoke….

"When it cuts like a knife…  
Play the bassline of your life."


	46. Epilogue

A note from the author:

"Bassline of my life" was written out of boredom and late-night busy thoughts. A lot of the chapters were written past midnight and in the early hours of the morning. There were a lot of deeper meanings all wrapped into the story that i thought i should write about and explain to you all. I also felt i should expand on the final poem and how it links everything.

The story touched on suicide attempts, bullying, drug abuse, family death, depression, comatose, privacy invasion, heartbreak & regrets. I have had friends who have been touched by suicide, depression, bullying, drugs, death, and have dealt with some of the other issues touched on in the story. i dedicate "Bassline of my life" to all of them. You are not alone in what you have been/or go through. I am with you forever. I wrote such things into the story in hope of raising awareness.

The paparazzi were a big part of the story because we have to realize that sometimes the pleasure we get out of candid shots and videos of celebrities can often come at the cost of privacy for the stars themselves.

THE APOLOGY:  
Right at the beginning when Tommy collapsed onstage, Adam whispered "I'm sorry Tommy".  
For anyone who didn't pick up on that first time around, Adam was apologizing because he felt it was his fault that Tommy wasn't eating and wasn't coping with the tour. He felt he wasn't taking care of everyone enough - keeping in mind at that point in time he knew nothing of Tommy's drug addiction. The apology also kind of came back into the story - "Adam's thumb moved over Tommy's face" - He loved him right from the start and was apologizing for loving him even though Tommy was straight and Adam knew he shouldn't.

Storywise, Tommy's Dad died of a sudden heart attack.

THE POEM:  
The full poem...

"Strums strings of the heart  
Fingers spread apart  
Back of the stage  
Erupts out the cage  
When it all stops  
The music is lost…  
The harmony is gone  
and i've lost the song.  
When it cuts like a knife...  
play the bassline of your life."

The poem sums up the entire story.

"Strums strings of the heart"  
Tommy was always 'just the bass player' in the band. He never realized how much of an effect he had on Adam. He was pulling on Adam's heartstrings - but in his eyes, he was simply just strumming.

"Fingers spread Apart"  
Has a double meaning, firstly obviously the way that Tommy plays his guitar, but secondly throughout the story, Adam and Tommy were reaching out to each other but didnt realise how much they relied on each other.

"Back of the stage"  
Both took their friendship for granted. Because they never realized how much they were relying on each other, all the acts of kindness and helping each other through their individual struggles was always put in the back of their minds. They never acted on it.

"Erupts out the cage"  
Referring to when Adam kind of came out and admitted his feelings but when he did Tommy felt caged and didn't know how to take it. It was a bombshell for him to hear it.

"When it all stops…the music is lost"  
There was a point where neither of them knew what exactly to do. They wouldn't admit that they both felt the same way. Adam lost it - their friendship was built on music and it suddenly became not about the music anymore. He tried to take his life because he felt he'd lost it all. He was torn. At the start, it was Tommy with the breakdown. "Music" is the metaphor of life in the story.

"The harmony is gone"  
They lost the balance. Their relationship became more about their feelings and less about their friendship. They were both kind of lost. Adam went back to Drake, Tommy turned to his friends, then Adam tried to fight Tommy in the car.

"And I've lost the song"  
There came a point where Tommy realized his own feelings and he had to kind of just give it up and admit it. But the song was lost, so they had to find that balance again. They had to rebuild their friendship in order to find the love in it. Their love is the song….and that became lost in everything else that happened.

"When it cuts like a knife"  
Relates back to Adam cutting himself in the shower and the broken mirror right at the start. Tommy was in denial. He didn't want to admit his feelings or admit that he was gay. At the beginning, Tommy got bullied for people thinking he was gay and then Adam got beaten because he was…in Tommy's eyes that became what he thought it meant to come out…he didn't want that life. But in his denial, it was eating at him.

"Play the Bassline of your life"  
They finally realized that life is short and you have to make the most out of it. Tommy finally came out and learnt that he couldn't just live in denial and keep taking 1 step forward and 2 steps back. They needed each other, and sometimes that meant taking a risk. The bassline of a band holds the music together, its the harmony and without it there is no song. Sometimes its not as loud or as deffinate as the drums or the main guitar….it can even get lost in the overall song sometimes, but you still have to keep playing even if you're not always heard. You have to start living and stop existing.

To all my readers: I wanna thank you all for all your love and support over the last few months. 'Bassline of my life' has really become a huge part of MY life and I've thoroughly enjoyed writing for you all. Thankyou to everyone who laughed, everyone who cried, for falling in love with my characters and for sticking with me for 45 chapters. For those who stayed up late at night to get the new chapters, and for those who placed feedback, favourited etc. I love you all so much. Thanks for understanding my crazy mind and always seeing me as this amazing writer that I in no way am.   
I appreciate that you took my story into your lives and took the time to read. This is an end of an era and i will miss writing for you all...but this is not goodbye forever. As one story ends...im sure in the future there will be more. I love you all so much and cannot express how thankful i am for every single one of you ficcers! I LOVE YOU & THANKYOU X


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